The address, the addressee, on the center of the envelope was formal:
The Honorable Senator C.R. Chastain, D. Tennessee
4330 Woodberry Lane
Jackson, Tennessee 90435
The greeting, the letter was informal; off the cuff:
Hey, big brother. How they treating you?
Just got off the plane from Mexico. I'm pumped. Had to get this out to you right away. I think I've swerved into something that we could both make
some big bucks on. Keep this stuff under your hat for awhile until I have time to do some more research. WHISKEY. Mexican corn whiskey. That
surprise you? Me too. Everybody thinks about Tequila when it comes to Mexico. Well, they do export a lot of Tequila. AND, they grow a lot of corn.
Here's how I stumbled onto this. For the last year I've been selling payphones like hotcakes, the money has been rolling in. About three months ago
the district attorneys for Dade and Broward Counties moved in and shut me down. I don't have the time or the patience to appeal right now --- I guess
Florida's about the only place where they didn't get the word on Deregulation. Anyway, just as the whole thing was beginning to be a big pain, I won
a cruise. Yeah, a Caribbean Cruise, a promotion at Ralph's market, where I shop a lot, in Fort Lauderdale. On the cruise I met this great gal,
Maria, a widow; she's Mexican, originally from a place called Oaxaca. Her husband was a Kraut, Carl Wittnauer, a Caterpillar Tractor dealer in
Kansas. We had such a good time on the cruise she invited me to join her on a trip around Mexico. She's a few years older than me but she looks
really young. We had a wonderful time. We did the whole Mexico City thing; the gardens, the museums. She'd make a helluva tour guide.
Naturally I was interested in the Cortez thing, the Maya (her great-grandmother was pure Maya) and Maria took me through the whole history at the
museum. That's where I learned about Pulque. Pulque is a milky kind of booze made from cactus. It's the first thing that comes out if you cook and
distill the juice from a cactus called Agave. The Spaniards thought that Pulque was the only booze used by the Indians. It doesn't have much of a
kick; about 50 proof is the best you get. When the Spaniards ran out of the booze they brought with them from Spain, couldn't get a buzz from the
sweet, milky brew, they looked around for something stronger.
Here comes the sleeper part. The history books don't tell the whole story about what happened next. The books say that the Spaniards wanted more
potent stuff so they REDISTILLED THE PULQUE AND GOT MESCAL AND, EVENTUALLY, TEQUILA. They could run the Tequila up to over 100 proof. Maria's
grandfather is still alive, over 105 years old. We went way the hell up in the mountains, the jungle, real primitive areas, found his place, spent
some time with the old man. He says some of the Spaniards preferred WHISKEY. They had all the corn in the world, all the people to grow, harvest and
distill it, mountain hardwood for barrels, coke, they had it all. He said that before the Olmecs took over there were corn whiskey distilleries all
over Yucatan.
It was only natural that the Spaniards would want to cash in on this smooth, sweet whiskey; send it back on the ships to Spain, make a killing. The
King of Spain got word to the Viceroy that not one drop of this whiskey was going to be shipped back to Spain -- the introduction would conflict with
the goals of Spain's agrarian reformation. By the time of the colonization of the American west (then Louisiana, Texas, New Mexico) a few
distilleries were still up and running in southern Mexico and some on the Gulf around Tampico. The distillers (by now Mexicans, Indians, Maya) tried
to sell the sweet mash to the Gringos.
A Royal Flop. The reason: great whiskey, lousy sales skills. I call it the Vanna White Failure. Not enough VOWELS. Over decades, centuries, the
distillers continued to name the mash and the blends for the place where the corn was originally grown and harvested, where the whiskey was distilled.
They tried to peddle the booze to Texans with brand names like Oxkutzcab, Tuxtla, Tzibanche. The Texans couldn't even order the stuff.
Well, Cooter, you and me, we won't make that mistake. Here's the plan (as far as I've taken it):
1. Maria has the lingo, some cash and lots of connections in Mexico.
2. You (needless to say) have some cash and lots of connections everywhere.
3. I have the plan, the time, the drive and the idea.
4. NAFTA has opened a great big hole for this.
5. We pencil in about 15 percent for Fox, the new Mexican president (you'll make the deal, quietly).
HERE'S THE BEAUTY PART. Once the aged stuff is in the bottle we kick off a KILLER AD CAMPAIGN. The name for the Door Opener: MONTEREY JACK DANIELS,
if they make a big fuss in Lynchburg: JUAN DANIELS.
My short list of other possible brand names:
A. MAYA TOMBS (for the aged bourbon fanatics)
B. CHI CHI CHIAPAS
C. VERACRUZ VELVET
D. RICO TAMPICO
E. TRES MARIAS BONITAS (I've gotta do this for Chu Chi, Maria, I promised. We could discontinue after awhile if sales don't come up to par).
Cooter, you can see where I'm going with this. The possibilites are endless. Think it over. Think about the potential. Maria and I are headed
back to the mainland Mexico to do some more research, look for a plant site, ask some questions about corn. We'll be leaving La Paz on the 23rd on
the ferry to Matzatlan (I'm scared they are going to ding up the new Lexus Maria bought me-[RED]- the way they pack those filthy barges). Try to get
me on the phone before I leave. I know you're a busy guy but I'm sure you can see what a winner this is and "time is awasting".
Love ya guy,
Little Brother Edrpleger - 9-10-2005 at 09:11 AM
Good read.
Lota fun, Elmore Lenord style....
Keep it up..................Oso - 9-10-2005 at 09:22 AM
This is either completely bogus (most likely) or this guy is a complete idiot (also possible). Pulque is not distilled, only fermented. Neither
mezcal nor tequila is made by "redistilling" pulque, it's not even made from the same variety of agave.
"Before the Olmecs took over"?
I wonder if he's talking about Xtabentun? (not made from corn)
With a few modifications, this would make a great Penthouse letter.
[Edited on 9-10-2005 by Oso]Osprey - 9-10-2005 at 09:43 AM
OSO
I wrote this story a couple years ago before I learned what you just stated (on this very board -- thanks to all) about Mezcal vs Tequila. I just
forgot to update the story before I posted it. I'll be more careful in the future, get my facts straight before I post.
Thanks
Tequila vs moonshine
bajajudy - 9-10-2005 at 10:09 AM
Osprey...great story. Where have you been? We have missed your stories. This one reminded my of something that happened to me years ago.......
Back in the early 70's I was in school at Penland School of Crafts which is in the NC mountains in a dry county. I was living in St Croix at the time
so had arrived laden with tequila, vodka, kahlua and rum from the duty free shops.
Saturday night was the big dance night complete with a live blue grass band. I had stashed my bottle of tequila in the bushes, so when the band
announced their first intermission, I headed out to my bush for a shot. By the time I got back to the dance hall, the band was sitting outside around
their van looking pretty happy. I stopped to thank them for the music and they asked me if I would like some shine. I am not stupid so said YES.
They gave me a swig and I was amazed. It was so much smoother than the tequila I had just drunk, like lighter fluid and lemonade. Well needless to
say I hung around with the band the rest of the night, giving my tequila to some of my classmates. This part has nothing to do with liquor but we
wound up in a parking lot that night square dancing and clogging with over 200 people. I dont know the name of this dance step but you start out with
4 people then the pick up 4 and then 4 more and so forth until we had a line of 256 people clogging across this parking lot. It goes without saying
the the moonshine set the mood.
So corn does make great liquor. The guys who made the stuff we drank was famous for his shine.
Salud!bajalera - 9-10-2005 at 12:08 PM
Stashing a bottle in the bushes--Way to go, Judy!
And a nice story, Osprey.Oso - 9-10-2005 at 12:30 PM
Osprey, great story anyway! I was pretty sure it was fiction. But, although I lived on Cozumel about a year and have wandered around the Yucatan
peninsula, I can't recall running across any corn likker. Do you actually know of such or was that also something from your creative imagination?
With the exception of Bacanora, which is made from agave, most all the shine I've found in Mexico was a variation of aguardiente, made from sugar cane
(sort of a strong, rough white rum). Xtabentun is the most noted of Mayan Liqueurs, made from a vine of the same name and flavored with anise.
BTW, you might also want to check your historical chronology on Olmecs and Mayas...
Judy, I've been to Penland but unfortunately never had the free time and money to enroll. Great little art school, particularly for sculpture!
Maybe, someday...
[Edited on 9-10-2005 by Oso]comitan - 9-10-2005 at 12:30 PM
Good read ospray, and welcome back.Oso - 9-10-2005 at 12:51 PM
P.S. I remember the days when any imported whiskey, particularly Scotch, was prohibitively expensive in Mexico- many times the cost of good tequila.
Not only that, but if you weren't very careful where you bought it, you were likely to get bootleg rotgut in a refilled bottle. One popular Mexican
brand was "Whiskey Sam's". The label had something like a wagon wheel, Stetson and/or cowboy boot and a cactus. I also recall a rum made in the D.F.
that came in square bottles with labels made to imitate Johnny Walker Red. Although it said it was rum, it claimed to have been aged in used Scotch
barrels. I can still remember the flavor. It tasted like bubble gum.
The only salvation for non-rich Scotch drinkers in Mexico came about when the Japanese started promoting Suntory at relatively reasonable prices. It
may not be "Scotch", but the taste is very close and it's actually a pretty decent quality product. These days, I think it costs as much or more than
average "good" Scotch in the U.S.Osprey - 9-10-2005 at 01:31 PM
Oso, When I do a story like this one I research through Kartoo and other. I read every little snippet I can find -- I write fiction but I want it to
ring true. I'll go back, find the facts about the Olmec thing and the distilleries, get back to you. Give me a few days cause my liver has me in bed
again and know that I don't keep notes on little stories like this -- I've written 2 books, 140 shorts stories and countless articles -- not many I
rated worthy of keeping anything but the text. Baja is a magnet for every schemer/dreamer that comes down the pike. I just wanted to make fun of one
flimflam dude with connections in Mexico and the U.S. congress.jerry - 9-10-2005 at 05:04 PM
JUST IN CASE ANY OF YOU DESIDE TO GET IN THE BIDNESS OF MAKEN YOOR OWN SQUEEZINS I JUST INHAIRITED A STILL FROM MY DADDY ITS 25-30 YRS OLD AND NEVER
BEEN USED HE WAS GONA MAKE GASAHOL NEVER DID
ITS ALL STAINLESS AND COPPER AUTOMATED TO MAKE 2 GALS OF 190 PROOF PER HOUR 24/7 IT TAKE A LOT OF MASH TO FEED IT ABOUT 8 GAL OF HIGH GRADE MASH
PER GAL OF ALCOHOL THE YEAST DIES AT ABOUT 14%
oops caps might have to fire it up just to make enoff fuel to get to baja? have a good one jerryOso - 9-10-2005 at 06:47 PM
Osprey, it's all good. Wish I had what it takes to do what you've done. If you feel like it, please u2u me with the particulars on your published
stuff so I can either buy it (maybe) or (more likely) request it through my local library.bajajudy - 9-10-2005 at 06:54 PM
Oso
When were you in NC?
Did you get any shine?
I was taking metalsmithing at Penland. Great school.Oso - 9-10-2005 at 07:00 PM
Judy,
I was raised in NC- Fayetteville is my hometown, family goes back 200-300 yrs.. I just dropped in at Penland on a Parkway tour maybe 10 years ago.
I've been sippin stump juice since I was little. My daddy used to buy it from Percy Flowers in Johnston County for both his nightclubs, the black one
and the white one..
[Edited on 9-11-2005 by Oso]bajajudy - 9-10-2005 at 09:43 PM
I was born in Whiteville.....cuddin.Skipjack Joe - 9-11-2005 at 04:07 AM
Glad you decided to come back, Osprey. I was afraid you never would.capt. mike - 9-11-2005 at 04:26 AM
hey OSO - i love Xtabentun, bought it and brought some back when we flew our Mooney to Yucatan 1990. great stuff, but i thoughtn it was distilled from
honey?!
anyway, wish i could find some now.
Any Koreans out there?
my new jag is "So Ju"
made from distilled sweet potatos and rice. killer stuff, like a fortified wine, 44 proof. it has a mild halucenic property. very euphoric. hard to
find except on the coast.Oso - 9-11-2005 at 11:24 AM
Right, Cap'n, but not just any honey- only that from the Xtabentun flowers. (said to have psychoactive ingredients)
[Edited on 9-11-2005 by Oso]fdt - 9-11-2005 at 11:42 AM
Quote:
Originally posted by Oso
But, although I lived on Cozumel about a year and have wandered around the Yucatan peninsula, I can't recall running across any corn likker. Do you
actually know of such or was that also something from your creative imagination?
[Edited on 9-10-2005 by Oso]
I whent to chiapas in 87 and while in San cristobal de las Casas, we took a tour of el Ca?on del Sumidero and before boarding the boat, at Chiapa de
Corzo I had a Pescado Sarandeado ( boy, talk about a mexican getting Montezumas revenge) I got very very sick and a cab driver recomended that I drink
some "posh" (aguardiente de maiz) and if I did'nt get better at least I would forget the pain. Well it was the best cure. The Chamula indians drink it
with cocacola and they also use it as an offering to the gods.
My father-in-law is comming from KY at the end of the month and hes bringing me some shine.bajajudy - 9-11-2005 at 11:42 AM
Oso
No comment on our being cuddins.
You do know where Whiteville is, dont you?
Also where can you buy some of the stuff?Oso - 9-11-2005 at 01:36 PM
Judy, yes I know where Whiteville is. Down yonder in the swamplands. Beautiful place around Easter when all that wisteria, dogwood and azaleas are
in bloom. It's entirely possible we could be cuddins. Any Cashes, Neals or McDaniels in your family tree?
Sorry bout the shine, I been gone too long to have the right contacts anymore (and wouldn't want to put it on the web- might be revenooers reading)
If you just want to impress Yankees, you can buy "Georgia Moon" or another brand of legal corn and keep it in an unlabeled mason jar. They can't tell
the difference. (real shine, these days, comes in gallon milk jugs) bajajudy - 9-11-2005 at 01:42 PM
Nope no one in my family with those surnames. Darn. Not surprising as we left there when I was 1. My family is from SC and GA. I was the only
tarheel in the bunch.
I was actually talking about the Xtabentun to buy.
No, lawd, not no shine over the internetDave - 9-11-2005 at 05:45 PM
Quote:
Originally posted by Oso
Sorry bout the shine, I been gone too long to have the right contacts anymore (and wouldn't want to put it on the web- might be revenooers reading)
There's a Kentucky boy that lives close to me that makes his own. Smoooooth!
Next time you wander by I'll let you look at the mason jar...Maybe even let you touch it.capt. mike - 9-11-2005 at 05:47 PM
love....psycho active ingredients!!
here's one for all you anti revenuers....why is it called Moon shine?? where originated such a term?/huh?
i am thirsty now...Oso - 9-11-2005 at 06:44 PM
Quote:
Originally posted by capt. mike
love....psycho active ingredients!!
here's one for all you anti revenuers....why is it called Moon shine?? where originated such a term?/huh?
i am thirsty now...
Duh... Because it's harder to spot the smoke from the cooker at night.
