Santiago
Ultra Nomad
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A Modest Proposal (w/ apologies to J. Swift)
Baja Bernie, after no doubt being well into his cups, failed to preview his post re: CONSTIBUTERS, thereby firing a bunch of synapse in a few of us.
I propose the following:
Doug should instigate a new category of poster status, outside of the mine?s-bigger-than-yours that the current newbie-to-ultra nomad ladder implies.
Some examples:
1. LURKER: a poster who?s ratio of postings-to-logons is less than some arbitrary number that Doug would set (it is his board, after all), say 1
point 0. I would fall into this category as I often logon without posting, but a Bruce or a Pompano would have a lurker score of way over 10. You
could even have super-lurkers, someone who?s score was around .08, to pick a number. I?m pretty sure Jean?s score is hovering around this level.
2. CONSTIBUTER: there?s no point in going to the source on this as I?m sure BB hasn?t a clue. However, the sense I?m getting from others is that
this refers more to the quality of ones? postings as opposed to quantity. Quality is a difficult construct to measure (just ask my wife) but maybe
something like this: views/post or even replies/post. In other words, someone who doesn?t post a lot, but when they do, these post generate a lot of
views and/or replies -- good threads.
It goes without saying that Canadians would have to multiply their scores by .78 (or whatever it is) as they have an unfair advantage as to quality -
must be the water.
What say you?
(tongue-in-cheek smiley)
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jeans
Super Nomad
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| Quote: | Originally posted by Santiago
I?m pretty sure Jean?s score is hovering around this level.
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That would be "jeans' score"....
I'm so flattered you noticed!
Mom always told me to be different - Now she says...Not THAT different
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Neal Johns
Super Nomad
Posts: 1687
Registered: 10-31-2002
Location: Lytle Creek, CA
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3. Constipator
Poster who has eaten too much bamboo which results in a pained view of those living in a chicken coop.
For those of you who flunked English in High School three times like I did, here is the original "A Modest Proposal". (w/o apologies to J. Swift):
A Modest Proposal
by Rev. Dr. Jonathan Swift in the year 1729
A Modest Proposal for preventing the children of poor people in
Ireland, from being a burden on their parents or country, and for making them beneficial to the publick
I can think of no one objection, that will possibly be raised
against this proposal, unless it should be urged, that the number of people will be thereby much lessened in the kingdom. This I freely own, and 'twas
indeed one principal design in offering it to the world. I desire the reader will observe, that I calculate my remedy for this one individual Kingdom
of Ireland, and for no other that ever was, is, or, I think, ever can be upon Earth.
Therefore let no man talk to me of other expedients: Of taxing
our absentees at five shillings a pound: Of using neither
cloaths, nor houshold furniture, except what is of our own growth and manufacture: Of utterly rejecting the materials and
instruments that promote foreign luxury: Of curing the
expensiveness of pride, vanity, idleness, and gaming in our
women: Of introducing a vein of parsimony, prudence and
temperance: Of learning to love our country, wherein we differ
even from Laplanders, and the inhabitants of Topinamboo: Of
quitting our animosities and factions, nor acting any longer like
the Jews, who were murdering one another at the very moment their city was taken: Of being a little cautious not to sell our country and consciences
for nothing: Of teaching landlords to have at least one degree of mercy towards their tenants. Lastly, of putting a spirit of honesty, industry, and
skill into our shop-keepers, who, if a resolution could now be taken to buy only our native goods, would immediately unite to cheat and exact upon us
in the price, the measure, and the goodness, nor could ever yet be brought to make one fair proposal of just dealing, though often and earnestly
invited to it.
Therefore I repeat, let no man talk to me of these and the like
expedients, 'till he hath at least some glympse of hope, that
there will ever be some hearty and sincere attempt to put them
into practice.
But, as to my self, having been wearied out for many years with offering vain, idle, visionary thoughts, and at length utterly
despairing of success, I fortunately fell upon this proposal,
which, as it is wholly new, so it hath something solid and real,
of no expence and little trouble, full in our own power, and
whereby we can incur no danger in disobliging England. For this kind of commodity will not bear exportation, and flesh being of too tender a
consistence, to admit a long continuance in salt, although perhaps I could name a country, which would be glad to eat up our whole nation without it.
After all, I am not so violently bent upon my own opinion, as to
reject any offer, proposed by wise men, which shall be found
equally innocent, cheap, easy, and effectual. But before
something of that kind shall be advanced in contradiction to my
scheme, and offering a better, I desire the author or authors
will be pleased maturely to consider two points. First, As things
now stand, how they will be able to find food and raiment for a
hundred thousand useless mouths and backs. And secondly, There being a round million of creatures in humane figure throughout this kingdom, whose
whole subsistence put into a common stock, would leave them in debt two million of pounds sterling, adding those who are beggars by profession, to the
bulk of farmers, cottagers and labourers, with their wives and children, who are beggars in effect; I desire those politicians who dislike my
overture, and may perhaps be so bold to attempt an answer, that they will first ask the parents of these mortals, whether they would not at this day
think it a great happiness to have been sold for food at a year old, in the manner I prescribe, and thereby have avoided such a perpetual scene of
misfortunes, as they have since gone through, by the oppression of landlords, the impossibility of paying rent without money or trade, the want of
common sustenance, with neither house nor cloaths to cover them
from the inclemencies of the weather, and the most inevitable
prospect of intailing the like, or greater miseries, upon their
breed for ever.
I profess, in the sincerity of my heart, that I have not the
least personal interest in endeavouring to promote this necessary work, having no other motive than the publick good of my country, by advancing our
trade, providing for infants, relieving the poor, and giving some pleasure to the rich. I have no children, by which I can propose to get a single
penny; the youngest being nine years old, and my wife past child-bearing.
I do therefore humbly offer it to publick consideration, that of
the hundred and twenty thousand children, already computed,
twenty thousand may be reserved for breed, whereof only one
fourth part to be males; which is more than we allow to sheep,
black cattle, or swine, and my reason is, that these children are
seldom the fruits of marriage, a circumstance not much regarded by our savages, therefore, one male will be sufficient to serve four females. That the
remaining hundred thousand may, at a year old, be offered in sale to the persons of quality and fortune, through the kingdom, always advising the
mother to let them suck plentifully in the last month, so as to render them plump, and fat for a good table. A child will make two dishes at an
entertainment for friends, and when the family dines alone, the fore or hind quarter will make a reasonable dish, and seasoned with a little pepper or
salt, will be very good boiled on the fourth day, especially in winter.
I have reckoned upon a medium, that a child just born will weigh 12 pounds, and in a solar year, if tolerably nursed, encreaseth to 28 pounds.
I grant this food will be somewhat dear, and therefore very
proper for landlords, who, as they have already devoured most of the parents, seem to have the best title to the children.
Infant's flesh will be in season throughout the year, but more
plentiful in March, and a little before and after; for we are
told by a grave author, an eminent French physician, that fish
being a prolifick dyet, there are more children born in Roman
Catholick countries about nine months after Lent, the markets
will be more glutted than usual, because the number of Popish
infants, is at least three to one in this kingdom, and therefore
it will have one other collateral advantage, by lessening the
number of Papists among us.
I have already computed the charge of nursing a beggar's child
(in which list I reckon all cottagers, labourers, and four-fifths
of the farmers) to be about two shillings per annum, rags
included; and I believe no gentleman would repine to give ten
shillings for the carcass of a good fat child, which, as I have
said, will make four dishes of excellent nutritive meat, when he
hath only some particular friend, or his own family to dine with
him. Thus the squire will learn to be a good landlord, and grow
popular among his tenants, the mother will have eight shillings
neat profit, and be fit for work till she produces another child.
Those who are more thrifty (as I must confess the times require) may flea the carcass; the skin of which, artificially dressed, will make admirable
gloves for ladies, and summer boots for fine gentlemen.
As to our City of Dublin, shambles may be appointed for this
purpose, in the most convenient parts of it, and butchers we may be assured will not be wanting; although I rather recommend buying the children
alive, and dressing them hot from the knife, as we do roasting pigs.
A very worthy person, a true lover of his country, and whose
virtues I highly esteem, was lately pleased, in discoursing on
this matter, to offer a refinement upon my scheme. He said, that many gentlemen of this kingdom, having of late destroyed their deer, he conceived
that the want of venison might be well
supply'd by the bodies of young lads and maidens, not exceeding fourteen years of age, nor under twelve; so great a number of both sexes in every
country being now ready to starve for want of work and service: And these to be disposed of by their parents if alive, or otherwise by their nearest
relations. But with due deference to so excellent a friend, and so deserving a patriot, I cannot be altogether in his sentiments; for as to the males,
my American acquaintance assured me from frequent experience, that their flesh was generally tough and lean, like that of our school-boys, by
continual exercise, and their taste disagreeable, and to fatten them would not answer the charge. Then as to the females, it would, I think, with
humble submission, be a loss to the publick, because they soon would become breeders themselves:
And besides, it is not improbable that some scrupulous people
might be apt to censure such a practice, (although indeed very
unjustly) as a little bordering upon cruelty, which, I confess,
hath always been with me the strongest objection against any
project, how well soever intended.
But in order to justify my friend, he confessed, that this
expedient was put into his head by the famous Salmanaazor, a
native of the island Formosa, who came from thence to London,
above twenty years ago, and in conversation told my friend, that in his country, when any young person happened to be put to death, the executioner
sold the carcass to persons of quality, as a prime dainty; and that, in his time, the body of a plump girl of fifteen, who was crucified for an
attempt to poison the Emperor, was sold to his imperial majesty's prime minister of state, and other great mandarins of the court in joints from the
gibbet, at four hundred crowns. Neither indeed can I deny, that if the same use were made of several plump young girls in this town, who without one
single groat to their fortunes, cannot stir abroad without a chair, and appear at a play-house and assemblies in foreign fineries which they never
will pay for; the kingdom would not be the worse.
Some persons of a desponding spirit are in great concern about that vast number of poor people, who are aged, diseased, or maimed; and I have been
desired to employ my thoughts what course may be taken, to ease the nation of so grievous an incumbrance.
But I am not in the least pain upon that matter, because it is
very well known, that they are every day dying, and rotting, by
cold and famine, and filth, and vermin, as fast as can be
reasonably expected. And as to the young labourers, they are now in almost as hopeful a condition. They cannot get work, and consequently pine away
from want of nourishment, to a degree, that if at any time they are accidentally hired to common labour, they have not strength to perform it, and
thus the country and themselves are happily delivered from the evils to come.
I have too long digressed, and therefore shall return to my
subject. I think the advantages by the proposal which I have made are obvious and many, as well as of the highest importance.
For first, as I have already observed, it would greatly lessen
the number of Papists, with whom we are yearly over-run, being the principal breeders of the nation, as well as our most
dangerous enemies, and who stay at home on purpose with a design to deliver the kingdom to the Pretender, hoping to take their advantage by the
absence of so many good Protestants, who have chosen rather to leave their country, than stay at home and pay tithes against their conscience to an
episcopal curate.
Secondly, The poorer tenants will have something valuable of
their own, which by law may be made liable to a distress, and
help to pay their landlord's rent, their corn and cattle being
already seized, and money a thing unknown.
Thirdly, Whereas the maintainance of an hundred thousand
children, from two years old, and upwards, cannot be computed at less than ten shillings a piece per annum, the nation's stock will be thereby
encreased fifty thousand pounds per annum, besides the profit of a new dish, introduced to the tables of all gentlemen of fortune in the kingdom, who
have any refinement in taste. And the money will circulate among our selves, the goods being entirely of our own growth and manufacture.
Fourthly, The constant breeders, besides the gain of eight
shillings sterling per annum by the sale of their children, will
be rid of the charge of maintaining them after the first year.
Fifthly, This food would likewise bring great custom to taverns,
where the vintners will certainly be so prudent as to procure the best receipts for dressing it to perfection; and consequently have their houses
frequented by all the fine gentlemen, who justly value themselves upon their knowledge in good eating; and a skilful cook, who understands how to
oblige his guests, will contrive to make it as expensive as they please.
Sixthly, This would be a great inducement to marriage, which all
wise nations have either encouraged by rewards, or enforced by laws and penalties. It would encrease the care and tenderness of mothers towards their
children, when they were sure of a settlement for life to the poor babes, provided in some sort by the publick, to their annual profit instead of
expence. We should soon see an honest emulation among the married women, which of them could bring the fattest child to the market. Men would become
as fond of their wives, during the time of their pregnancy, as they are now of their mares in foal, their cows in calf, or sow when they are ready to
farrow; nor offer to beat or kick them (as is too frequent a practice) for fear of a miscarriage.
Many other advantages might be enumerated. For instance, the addition of some thousand carcasses in our exportation of
barrel'd beef: the propagation of swine's flesh, and mprovement in the art of making good bacon, so much wanted among us by the great destruction of
pigs, too frequent at our tables; which are no way comparable in taste or magnificence to a well grown, fat yearly child, which roasted whole will
make a considerable figure at a Lord Mayor's feast, or any other publick entertainment. But this, and many others, I omit, being studious of brevity.
Supposing that one thousand families in this city, would be
constant customers for infants flesh, besides others who might
have it at merry meetings, particularly at weddings and
christenings, I compute that Dublin would take off annually about twenty thousand carcasses; and the rest of the kingdom (where probably they will be
sold somewhat cheaper) the remaining eighty thousand.
It is a melancholy object to those, who walk through this great
town, or travel in the country, when they see the streets, the
roads and cabbin-doors crowded with beggars of the female sex, followed by three, four, or six children, all in rags, and
importuning every passenger for an alms. These mothers instead of being able to work for their honest livelihood, are forced to employ all their time
in stroling to beg sustenance for their helpless infants who, as they grow up, either turn thieves for want of work, or leave their dear native
country, to fight for
the Pretender in Spain, or sell themselves to the Barbadoes.
I think it is agreed by all parties, that this prodigious number
of children in the arms, or on the backs, or at the heels of
their mothers, and frequently of their fathers, is in the present
deplorable state of the kingdom, a very great additional
grievance; and therefore whoever could find out a fair, cheap and easy method of making these children sound and useful members of the common-wealth,
would deserve so well of the publick, as to have his statue set up for a preserver of the nation.
But my intention is very far from being confined to provide only
for the children of professed beggars: it is of a much greater
extent, and shall take in the whole number of infants at a
certain age, who are born of parents in effect as little able to
support them, as those who demand our charity in the streets.
As to my own part, having turned my thoughts for many years, upon this important subject, and maturely weighed the several schemes of our projectors,
I have always found them grossly mistaken in their computation. It is true, a child just dropt from its dam, may be supported by her milk, for a solar
year, with little other nourishment: at most not above the value of two shillings, which the mother may certainly get, or the value in scraps, by her
lawful occupation of begging; and it is exactly at one year old that I propose to provide for them in such a manner, as, instead of being a charge
upon their parents, or the parish, or wanting food and raiment for the rest of their lives, they shall, on the contrary, contribute to the feeding,
and partly to the cloathing of many thousands.
There is likewise another great advantage in my scheme, that it will prevent those voluntary abortions, and that horrid practice of women murdering
their bastard children, alas! too frequent among us, sacrificing the poor innocent babes, I doubt, more to avoid the expence than the shame, which
would move tears and pity in the most savage and inhuman breast.
The number of souls in this kingdom being usually reckoned one million and a half, of these I calculate there may be about two hundred thousand couple
whose wives are breeders; from which number I subtract thirty thousand couple, who are able to maintain their own children, (although I apprehend
there cannot be so many, under the present distresses of the kingdom) but this being granted, there will remain an hundred and seventy thousand
breeders. I again subtract fifty thousand, for those women who miscarry, or whose children die by accident or disease within the year. There only
remain an hundred and twenty thousand children of poor parents annually born. The question therefore is, How this number shall be reared, and provided
for? which, as I have already said, under the present situation of affairs, is utterly impossible by all the methods hitherto proposed. For we can
neither employ them in handicraft or agriculture; we neither build houses, (I mean in the country) nor cultivate land: they can very seldom pick up a
livelihood by stealing till they arrive at six years old; except where they are of towardly parts, although I confess they learn the rudiments much
earlier; during which time they can however be properly looked upon only as probationers: As I have been informed by a principal gentleman in the
county of Cavan, who protested to me, that he never knew above one or two instances under the age of six, even in a part of the kingdom so renowned
for the quickest proficiency in that art.
I am assured by our merchants, that a boy or a girl before twelve years old, is no saleable commodity, and even when they come to this age, they will
not yield above three pounds, or three pounds and half a crown at most, on the exchange; which cannot turn to account either to the parents or
kingdom, the charge of nutriments and rags having been at least four times that value.
I shall now therefore humbly propose my own thoughts, which I hope will not be liable to the least objection.
I have been assured by a very knowing American of my acquaintance in London, that a young healthy child well nursed, is, at a year old, a most
delicious nourishing and wholesome food, whether stewed, roasted, baked, or boiled; and I make no doubt that it will equally serve in a fricasie, or a
ragoust.
My motto:
Never let a Dragon pass by without pulling its tail!
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eetdrt88
Senior Nomad
Posts: 986
Registered: 2-20-2005
Location: Az/Ca/Baja
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does that last post
come in a taped version or possibly in a set of encyclopedias?
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eetdrt88
Senior Nomad
Posts: 986
Registered: 2-20-2005
Location: Az/Ca/Baja
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so pompano
basically youre saying instead of all this sleep medication i'm taking that before bed i should just read neal johns post....thank you,now i can save
some money
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M
Nomad
Posts: 392
Registered: 8-30-2002
Location: Laguna Niguel, CA.
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Mood: looking for joy...
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Actually...
That has always been one of my favorite stories, well done Neil for posting that, been awhile since I have read it.
Hugs,
M
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