burro bob
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Registered: 3-15-2004
Location: Poblado del Ejido Plan National Agrario
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Ancient Baja legends I just made up
Someone asked several days ago about posting more Baja stories. So I decided to go in search of some local legends so that I could post some
interesting stories.
I asked all my Mexican friends here in San Felipe ?Where can I find the best tales in town??. To a man they all said I should check out the bars on
the street behind the bank. They told me that there were three bars there that specialized in Mexican tales. It really is great to live in a place
where there is a whole street full of storytellers.
I went into a place called ?El Marinero? and sure enough it was full of fishermen from Rocky Point. Most of the storytellers appeared to be women.
Soon a cute young thing came to ask if there was anything I wanted, at least I think so. She didn?t speak real good English and my Spanish isn?t much
good either. The fishermen seemed to be speaking a language loosely based on Spanish.
I asked her how much for a tale, and if I understood her correctly, she said a short story was $20, a complete story was $50 and something called
stories from around the world was $100.
I decided to start with a short story so she started to tell me this little tale about what she and the Delagado did a couple of weeks earlier.
Needless to say I was not satisfied. I didn?t want current events. I wanted legends.
So I asked her ?Who has the oldest tale here in the bar?? She looked disappointed but told me I needed to talk to Senorita Sindep. ?She?s here,? I
gasped. Even I have heard of the famous Senorita Botella Sindep Osito. She was seated next to the kitchen so I walked on over and introduced myself.
Her lips were big and red, like the fenders on a fire engine. Her ears were petite, compared to the large chrome plated earrings (small hub caps?)
dangling from her lobes. She had on a low cut blouse that instantly had me thinking two things, just how big do they make Wonder bras, and when am I
going to visit the Copper Canyon again. He jeans were skin tight and firm, like they had been filled with cement and left to harden overnight.
Unfortunately it looked like it would take about half a yard to fill them.
Do?a Botella motioned for me to sit and said, ? I have special tale for Grande Tontos like you?. I knew then I was with a kindred spirit as I always
related to Tonto more than I did the Lone Ranger. This is the story she told me, believe it or not.
The Lost Column of Junipero Sera
As most people should know, Father Junipero Sera was tasked by the King of Spain to found new missions in Alta California. To the people of Alta
California he is a saint that brought civilization to the natives. To the people of Baja California he is viewed mostly as a pirate of God that sacked
missions and left their inhabitants to starve. He went north in several groups or columns. Captain Portola led one group that rounded up livestock and
foodstuffs. Father Sera himself led another group via a route known as the ?Camino Pintoresco Real? or the Kings Scenic Highway.
However there was a third group that went north that is never mentioned, probably because they had so many problems.
It is interesting to note that none of the scholars or scientists that have studied the records or seen the ruins has observed that there is not one
piece of heavy construction equipment to be found at any of the missions of Baja California. Yes, the lost column of Padre Sera was made up of all the
backhoes, dump trucks, bulldozers and road maintainers to be found in Baja California.
While Father Sera was a mighty force for God he didn?t know squat about backhoes. Plus he had the bad luck to start his journey when all the mechanics
were away at a Caterpillar Convention in that swinging city on the Mississippi, Cahokia. (The mound builders had casinos but no reservation.) Also,
unknown to Sera, but a fact that I am sure will be acknowledged by every scholar, not one Pemex in all of Baja carried diesel fuel in 1768. Therefore
as this equipment headed north they had to swing by every port in hopes of finding marine diesel for their rigs.
Bad advice, miscalculations, and bad maps plagued them every step of the way. The maps they had were printed in Holland and still showed the place as
an island. In Gurrero Negro they only got eight liters of fuel for every ten they paid for. They heard that there was a new Pemex in Gonzaga Bay, but
when they got there they found a new building and new pumps but the place was closed.
This column wandered back and forth across the peninsula in a vain effort to find fuel. And without any mechanics to repair them, broken down rigs
were left scattered all over the country. Many are still in the same place they died almost 250 years ago.
Finally they made it to a place called Puertocitos where they were met by a band of naked savages, called the Hip-Pais, who were mostly peaceful and
spent their time drinking margaritas in the hot springs. They had clothes they just didn?t want to put them on. The Hip-Pais told the equipment
operators of a circus up north in the little town of San Felipe. They also warned them that San Felipe was under assault by a fierce tribe of nomadic
shoppers called the Ge-ezers. The Ge-ezers method of attack was to buy up all the land and pay twice as much for labor and materials as the original
inhabitants. Soon the locals can?t afford even a nopal torta and have to move to Mexicali. Despite these warnings they had hopes the circus might have
a mechanic, so they raced north.
The Circus Santa Isabel was lost and had been for a long time. It was a gaudy little one-tent show. Everything was painted gold or silver and cheap
red and green plastic disks were glued everywhere to cover up holes. They were looking for the town of Yuri Muri but couldn?t find it. They had been
stuck in San Felipe so long that the people were making marks on the palm tree trunks to mark how much the Giraffe had grown. The Circus Santa Isabel
was desperate to leave town and agreed to team up with the construction equipment column. They had the idea that possibly they could build a road to
Yuri Muri if they couldn?t find it with their new maps. They had purchased new maps in San Felipe that were made by a guy who drove his dune buggy
around a lot when he was here on vacation. They appeared to be more accurate than the official government maps they had been using.
Finally around the north end of the Sea of Cortez one of the circus acrobats climbed up the giraffe and thought he spotted houses out in the swamps at
the mouth of the Colorado River. The construction column needed to keep moving so they traded the circus a bulldozer for one of their mechanics. The
last anyone ever saw of them they were headed out into the mists of the Colorado River Delta. No one has ever found Yuri Muri or the Circus Santa
Isabel.
As the column moved north out of San Felipe they found the remains of several old Pemex stations. No one knew for sure who had built them or why. Some
scholars think it was possibly the same tribe that painted all the caves around San Ignacio.
Eventually this column split into two main groups. One group wanted to cross the border at their Aunt Jane?s and the other group wanted to cross at
Mexicali. Both groups met with disaster.
The column that went to Mexicali was turned around at the border because none of the rigs could pass D.O.T. inspection. The group that went to Tijuana
went into a bar for a drink and when they came out all the rigs were up on adobe blocks and the tires were gone.
Eventually only a couple of bulldozers crossed the border. When the operators finally crossed the border they bought many cases of Bud Lite to
celebrate. They were so drunk by the time they got to the La Brea Tar Pits that they drove right in.
Not one piece of construction equipment ever made it to Padre Sera and he had to build all those Alta California missions by hand.
?. Well there you go. That?s the story directly as I got it from the mouth of Senorita Botella Sindep Osito herself.
burro bob
Disclaimer for authors of Baja guidebooks.
This isn?t a true story. I just made it up.
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Tucker
Senior Nomad
Posts: 664
Registered: 10-31-2002
Location: El Centenario, BCS
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"This isn?t a true story. I just made it up."
Nice work, now if some of these "serious" writers would fess up this would be a better world.:moon:
\"I think it would be a good idea.\"
-- Mahatma Gandhi, when asked what he thought of Western civilization
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Baja Bernie
`Normal` Nomad Correspondent
Posts: 2962
Registered: 8-31-2003
Location: Sunset Beach
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Mood: Just dancing through life
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Burro Bob
You may not know it but I try to write funny stories about Baja and have written two books that are kinda tongue in cheek stories.
Anyway! I love your story and would like to send you a free copy of my "Mi Baja No Hurry No Worry" just as a salute to one who can create stories
like this out of whole cloth.
I hope you have an address in the states where I can send the book.
You can contact me at the URL which will hopefully be displayed below.
Thanks!
My smidgen of a claim to fame is that I have had so many really good friends. By Bernie Swaim December 2007
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Neal Johns
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Location: Lytle Creek, CA
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I don't believe this guy, Burrito Bob! Here, I thought I had a corner on "true" stories and he beat me hands down. Great story!
How about an introduction to your new friend, Senorita Botella Sindep Osito?
My motto:
Never let a Dragon pass by without pulling its tail!
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Baja Bernie
`Normal` Nomad Correspondent
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Location: Sunset Beach
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Neil
Can you deal with another wife????Even a part time one.
My smidgen of a claim to fame is that I have had so many really good friends. By Bernie Swaim December 2007
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jrbaja
Ultra Nomad
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Registered: 2-2-2003
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I knew it wasn't true
The minute he said that La Se?orita Osito was hanging out in El Marinero. She had a fight with them months ago and hasn't been in since!
Good try though burro, we're onto your antics. Muchas gracias!
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bajalou
Ultra Nomad
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Registered: 3-11-2004
Location: South of the broder
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Not true????
I don't know Burro Bob, I'[ve been hearing stories like that in the back streets of San Felipe for a long time. I for one think it's true.
No Bad Days
\"Never argue with an idiot. People watching may not be able to tell the difference\"
\"The trouble with doing nothing is - how do I know when I\'m done?\"
Nomad Baja Interactive map
And in the San Felipe area - check out Valle Chico area |
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Margie
Banned
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Registered: 4-23-2004
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That was great.
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Mike Humfreville
Super Nomad
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Very Creative,
Reads like Jimmy Buffett's Tales of Margaritaville. Mas porfavor.
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David K
Honored Nomad
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Location: San Diego County
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Bob, next time I 'find' you in the middle of 'nowhere', I will bring more Pacificos and perhaps a tape recorder. This story would play well on Baja
Talk Radio!
I am listening to the Donovan brothers right now as I type this...
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bajapablo
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Registered: 1-27-2004
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great one Burro Bob!
\"changes it lattitudes, changes in attitudes\"
J.Buffet
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whodat54321
Nomad
Posts: 111
Registered: 6-14-2004
Location: El Cajon, CA USA
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Mood: trying new stuf
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nice one
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