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Dirt Bike Riders Horoscope
Thought you bikers might like this.
TW
The Dirt Bike Rider's Horoscope
by Kirk Overby
An excerpt from >> http://www.off-road.com/dirtbike/hrscp.html
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I'm sure all of us dirt bike riders have turned to the funny pages in the newspaper and read, along with the comics, the Horoscope. Sometimes it is
called "Your Zodiac". Has any sage enlightenment contained in the horoscopes ever held true for yourself?
I didn't think so.
Therefore, I present a new, and dubiously accurate horoscope - designed exclusively for dirt bike riders! Now, thanks to The Dirt Bike Riders
Horoscope, dirt bike riders will know which sign of the zodiac they were faceplanted under!
DISCLAIMER NOTICE: This horoscope is unique from most horoscopes. It doesn't suggest any specific birth date, nor does it predict the future. The
opinions expressed in this Horoscope are not those of anyone or anything. If you are offended by this material, go away, and don't tell your mommy
about this stuff.
Scorpio (The scorpion): Scorpios are over competitive dirt bike riders that believe they are famous. They are anything but famous. Scorpios believe
they are naturally exceptional riders. Their riding abilities are anything but exceptional. In reality, most Scorpios never compete further than the
125cc MX Novice class. They often run into, and injure, other riders during competitive events. Mini-riders are classic Scorpios. Many hard core
Scorpios do not reach the age of 17. Their biological parents usually have them secretly abducted, then slain. The parents derive enormous
psychological benefits from the abduction and subsequent killing. The life insurance benefits for the "bereaved" aren't too shabby either!
Sagittarius (The dude that has his head and torso attached to the body and legs of a horse): Sagittarians are dual-sport bike riders. They can't make
up their mind if they want to ride in the dirt, or ride a bike that will take them to the local ice cream shop. Sadly, they compromise, and ride
machines that normally aren't too great on the street or dirt. Sagittarians are average dirt bike riders. It's often difficult for them to scrape up
money to purchase dirt bikes. Basically, Sagittarians generally have problems making up their minds about a lot of things.
Capricorn (The goat): If you ever see a rider putt-putting around on an old Hodaka, Rokon, or AMF Harley-Davidson, wearing a leather pudding bowl
helmet, fuzzy yellow Handy-Andy gloves, and Red Wing work boots for riding protection, chances are very good that you looking at a Capricorn.
Surprisingly, Capricorns are extremely friendly and gregarious individuals that enjoy the sport of dirt biking very much. They never got caught up in
the "I Must Have a New Dirt Bike" mindset. Capricorns believe that aluminum serves no real purpose on a dirt bike. They are outstanding bench racers.
Aquarius (The dude that pours water out of a container): Aquarius is the most evil, and sometimes best disguised, member of the dirt bike horoscope
family. At one time, these individuals owned a dirt bike. After discovering a dirt bike was "hard to ride" and confusing to repair and maintain, the
typical Aquarian gives up dirt bike riding and becomes an environmental zealot. They change face quickly for two reasons. First, they are stupid.
Second, they love no one, except themselves. These two faced, hypocritical individuals are hard to spot. The only clue that may give them away as
being Aquarius is when they say something along the lines of, "Yea, I owned a dirt bike, once." Due to their defective personalities, and fanatic
agenda to save nature, many Aquarius's enjoy sex with small wild animals.
Pisces (The fish): Pisces are dirt bike riders that feel a strange need to ride exclusively in notoriously wet areas, like the forests near the coast
of Oregon. When riding in the desert, Pisces feel horribly out of place and become extremely anxious. In extreme desert riding situations, they may
wander off looking for the mythical 'desert tortoise', believing the creature is located near a water source. Pisces dirt bike riders are easy to
identify. Look for mold growing in the creases of their shoes and silicone waterproofing build-up between their fingers. Paul Clipper is a Pisces
Aries (The Ram): Aries are hard riding, extremely persistent, and fairly skilled dirt bike riders. All Aries carry out what they intend to do on a
dirt bike, no matter the cost involved. Aries are easily spotted in a crowd of dirt bikers. Except for the occasional out of place new plastic piece
or bike part, their bikes are generally scratched and marred by numerous heavy duty crashes. Their helmets and riding gear look the same as their
bike. Many Aries suffer from brain damage induced mental disorders.
Taurus (The bull): A Taurus feels a ridiculous need for infinite power and speed. Taurus's ride big bore, open class bikes. If you are visiting an
engine porting shop and someone walks in with a KTM 550 cylinder asking the specialist to port it for more top-end, the KTM 550 cylinder owner is a
full blown, dyed in the wool, Taurus. Tom and Dan White of White Bros. have made a very good living for themselves exploiting Taurus's. Many Taurus's
die from spontaneous combustion.
Gemini (The twins): Gemini's are probably the most misunderstood dirt bike riders. They are found riding in pairs. They ride with one riding buddy
only, and it's always the same riding buddy! Gemini's will ride with other dirt bike riders. However, they eventually lose interest in the company and
end up riding with one another somewhere else. Gemini's are accused, often wrongly, of being homosexual.
Cancer (The crab): These are individuals that indubitably adore vintage bikes and racing. It's usually easy to identify a Cancer. They talk about
every dirt bike they have ridden and every race they have raced before 1979. Cancer's complain about the new bikes and Supercross. They believe the
sport of dirt biking "just isn't the same anymore". (They have a point there.) Rick Sieman is a notorious Cancer.
Leo (The lion): Leo's are the dirt bike sports 'cream of the crop'. Their natural talents are found in few individuals; additionally, their talents
are envied by many of us mere mortal dirt bike riders. During their dirt bike careers, Leo's rarely lost many competitive events. Roger DeCoster, J.N.
Roberts, Bob Hannah, Rick Johnson, Larry Roessler, Jeremy McGrath, and Patrick J. Chicas (Pat paid me $100 to put his name under Leo) are just a few
examples of dirt bike Leo's.
Virgo (The woman): Virgo's spend more money on the latest dirt bike apparel than what their bike is worth! Basically, Virgo's value their looks more
than their machinery! If you see a person riding an average looking bike, decked out big time in AXO, JT, MSR, THOR, and Fox gear, you are looking at
a Virgo. Virgo's hate to get dirty and are rarely seen riding in dusty or muddy conditions. Despite the Virgo's passion for the sport, they are
loathed by many dirt bike riders, particularly Cancers.
Libra (The balance scales): Libra's have incredible talent, that is incredibly under rated. Libra's love the sport of dirt bike so much, they own
several dirt bikes. Each bike serves a different purpose. For example, I knew a Libra that owned 5 different bikes. One machine was for MX, one was
for enduros, one was for hare scrambles, one was for hillclimbing, and one was a practice/loaner bike! Despite their talent, most Libra's never end up
competing professionally. They usually stretch themselves to thin to do one thing extremely well.
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