the next morning, I awoke. My pants? The right cheek of my arse was extra sensitive....vandenberg - 9-19-2009 at 11:52 AM
...likely from the kick in the a*se I received from one of the crab ladies when I stiffed her, but....Cypress - 9-19-2009 at 06:05 PM
she had an odd look that sorta reminded me of...woody with a view - 9-19-2009 at 06:11 PM
...reminded me of the way my ex used to look at me with her glass eye, while carving my name onto her wooden leg with her "Capt. Hook" appendage.vandenberg - 9-19-2009 at 08:20 PM
but then again, on second thought, if I would have cut down on the domestic violence, there would be no pegleg or glass eye, but again, hindsight...BajaNuts - 9-19-2009 at 09:43 PM
Quote:
Originally posted by vandenberg
but then again, on second thought, if I would have cut down on the domestic violence, there would be no pegleg or glass eye, but again, hindsight...
hindsight in 90/180 is a little skewed to the.......Sharksbaja - 9-19-2009 at 09:45 PM
...hindsight tells me that today is "Talk Like A Pirate Day" so ARRRGHHH MATEY! Gather up yer creepy crabs ye heathens and climb the the mast like a
man, after all...DENNIS - 9-20-2009 at 07:46 AM
Quote:
Originally posted by Sharksbaja
...hindsight tells me that today is "Talk Like A Pirate Day" so ARRRGHHH MATEY! Gather up yer creepy crabs ye heathens and climb the the mast like a
man, after all...
....you actually are one in spite of what your husband says and your frilly dresses. Now....climb that pole and quit grinning when I say that.
First, you grab the...Diver - 9-20-2009 at 09:08 AM
..long, hard ...toneart - 9-20-2009 at 09:32 AM
...lessons that can be found in your Funk & Wagnalls if you look outside of your own pants. Then you climb the social heights where crabs are just
itching to infest. Then you...vandenberg - 9-20-2009 at 09:43 AM
...you realized that you really meant "invest", and you're taking a close look at the DOW, rapidly approaching the 10000 mark, and you decide better
to get in on this new Wall street bonanza, thus....Sharksbaja - 9-20-2009 at 10:53 AM
...capitulating.woody with a view - 9-20-2009 at 11:36 AM
up and down, up and down. Anthony's, the DOW! pick your pleasure!vandenberg - 9-20-2009 at 11:37 AM
......for now, but it too, like a Phoenix,(correct spelling btw) will rise from the ashes and the endless story will.....
[Edited on 9-20-2009 by vandenberg]Diver - 9-20-2009 at 11:39 AM
... be turned into a "made-for-TV" movie when ....woody with a view - 9-20-2009 at 11:42 AM
...BajaNomad makes the mainstream, big time and we are all pushed aside as "the little people."DENNIS - 9-20-2009 at 11:46 AM
"......for now, but it too, like a Phoenix,(correct spelling btw) will rise from the ashes and the endless story will....."
...come full circle and continue to roll along as a contradiction to western culture that things start and end rather than exist without these
inconveniences and so the story rolls into it's new phase of proving logic illogical by casting the first stone into the.......
[Edited on 9-20-2009 by DENNIS]toneart - 9-20-2009 at 11:51 AM
...Pond of Paradox, a favorite Nomad reflecting pool located in...DENNIS - 9-20-2009 at 11:56 AM
...the frontal lobe of the brain unless your referrence is to the Rio Paradox which is a whole nuther story because.....toneart - 9-20-2009 at 12:11 PM
Wait! There is a third choice: The Beatles enlightened us long ago that "we all live in a yellow submarine". The paradox being, does the yellow
submarine exist in the frontal lobe or does the frontal lobe exist in the Yellow Submarine?
Caution- Dennis' frontal lobotomy may limit his door of perception.
However, Dennis, there is a way! And that is...vandenberg - 9-20-2009 at 12:24 PM
....if you install a screendoor you don't have to worry about the perception door, just leave it open and......Diver - 9-20-2009 at 12:41 PM
although the flies won't be able to get in, the nats and no-see-ums will be able to pass freely, thus ...Cypress - 9-20-2009 at 03:43 PM
You gotta have a little smoke going...one of those old smudge pots will...vandenberg - 9-20-2009 at 03:47 PM
....when installed in the frontal lobe, will make you able to fart in 5 different languages, thusDiver - 9-20-2009 at 04:10 PM
.. increaing your ability to fascinate the chicas in Columbia and other such ....toneart - 9-20-2009 at 05:02 PM
...gas groopies. You can tell they like it by the way they...DENNIS - 9-20-2009 at 05:09 PM
....smile and pose as they release huge clouds of the noxious exhaust while other less offensive folks are.....Cypress - 9-21-2009 at 10:34 AM
laughing and having a good time, wondering if....bajaguy - 9-21-2009 at 10:40 AM
.......they will have to pay the 15% import tax at the border, while back home............Sharksbaja - 9-21-2009 at 10:46 AM
...the boys were busy making designer swine flu masks that seemed to make breathing those noxious gases more tolerable.
One of my favorite masks.....bajaguy - 9-21-2009 at 11:06 AM
...........looked suspiciously like fellow Nomad..................vandenberg - 9-21-2009 at 11:10 AM
for example, looking for a compatible Nomad lovely,so widely distributed throughout Baja.......
[Edited on 9-21-2009 by vandenberg]
[Edited on 9-21-2009 by vandenberg]
Martyman - 9-21-2009 at 11:52 AM
The wrestling mask was an exact replica of an one worn by Mil Mascaras at the Olympic Auditorium next to the Brew 102 Cerveceriawoody with a view - 9-21-2009 at 12:37 PM
that's not a mask, it's an a$$. if wal mart don't have any you can get one at....Cypress - 9-21-2009 at 12:41 PM
any of the garage sales, however....toneart - 9-21-2009 at 03:57 PM
...you can buy them at the Dead Persons Warehouse. They are cheap because people actually died wearing their masks. They stink so bad they mask the
fart smell you were all worried about. Happy Halloween!
This will slip right by your frontal lobes without notice though, and you will eventually...backninedan - 9-21-2009 at 04:19 PM
...recieve enough brain damage to buy a time share unit in.....bajaguy - 9-21-2009 at 05:37 PM
............Bahia-Asuncion, between the Trotters and Juan y Shari, and judt down the street from the Lobster Co-Op, where........toneart - 9-21-2009 at 07:13 PM
...the zombies will relocate. There, they will headquarter and eat all the timeshare salespeople. Then they will make forays out to Loreto to eat the
timeshare salespeople there. Juan and Shari are thrilled because they are leaving them alone, and they don't eat fish.
There is one big worry though...Mulegena - 9-21-2009 at 09:32 PM
after three days even fish begin to smell like Condo Salespeople, so Juan and Shari and the rest of the townfolk begin to walk like Eqyptians so as to
confuse the Zombies and cause them to look for buildings which are only over 5 stories high. The problem with this brilliant little scheme of the
Asuncianos is that they find it rather difficult to climb into their pangas to go fishing because they have to stand sideways all the time and hold
their arms at funny angles which makes it difficult to pick up a fishing pole so...toneart - 9-22-2009 at 10:16 AM
The Asuncion townspeople are all studying old Saturday Night Live clips of Steve Martin doing the Egyptian/zombie arm thing. If they master that, they
will certainly scare off the timeshare salespeople.
As for the zombies, everyone knows that they cannot be "scared to death", but they can be deprived of the timeshare salespeople/foodsource and will go
elsewhere. Icing on the cake (popping out of a pastel?) will be Juan in his thong, doing the Egyptian arm thing. Only problem there is that he may
also scare off the tourist/guests.
Meanwhile, back in Mulege, Skeet is not doing the Egyptian Arm dance because it prevents him from putting his hands together to pray or to grasp a
beverage. That makes Jungla Jim's Bebidas Diablo an interesting tool for...woody with a view - 9-22-2009 at 10:46 AM
keeping "gas in the tank" while shoveling mud after a hurricane....vandenberg - 9-22-2009 at 11:53 AM
....and in keeping the rumor alive that some megaresort, a Vegas one likely, is planning a huge gambling hotel, spanning the river, and, after "some"
dredging, will have paddlewheelers going to Comondu for their famous brown trout fishing and.......
(sorry Juan,too many referrences to you and your thong. Makes me wonder?:?
[Edited on 9-22-2009 by vandenberg]toneart - 9-22-2009 at 12:37 PM
...and wait til the surfers to get the word: "Hey Dude, Woody timed that surge perfectly. He caught it at the bridge and brown-surfed all the way to
the mouth of the river into the Sea of Cortez." It comes once a year and river surfing will be bigger than windsurfing at La Ventana or Las Barrilles.
If you wipe out, just keep your mouth and eyes closed...no problema. Cypress - 9-23-2009 at 10:45 AM
But if you only knew....bajaguy - 9-23-2009 at 10:47 AM
..........the real story and who was involved in the shootout at
San Ysidro. It was............toneart - 9-23-2009 at 01:32 PM
...It was all of us, conspiratorially, by reading and commenting here on BajaNomad. Take your hands off your keyboards and wrap them around a cold
Pacifico. Forget everything you think you know. Otherwise, the National Home Security Dept. will...woody with a view - 9-23-2009 at 02:59 PM
kick in your computer screen and shout, "hands off the keyboard, MF'er!"
or they will ask you to divulge all of the gps co-ords to your fave spots and post them online for everyone to see, just like a certain......Cypress - 9-24-2009 at 05:00 AM
very generous and helpful person....David K - 9-24-2009 at 07:27 AM
... who has NEVER posted any such thing, but the drama post such stuff is too great to resist! However, it is well known that Baja Nomads are good
people who help others... even surfers who are selfish with 'their spots'!
Anyway, one can only hope that the offer of free beer and friendship he offers will one day be accepted by his detractors and all Nomads can be
friendly and have fun.
Speaking of fun, one day while driving the Transpeninsular Highway, BAJACAT saw something strange dart across the road, so he...woody with a view - 9-24-2009 at 08:17 AM
stopped to check it out. upon close examination he realized it used to be a garmin gps before someone tossed it out the window. as he held the pieces
in his hands he looked around and noticed a tundra rolling southbound with boards on top, (this is where it gets wierd!). to this day, when he c-cked
his head BAJACAT swore he could hear laughter....
[Edited on 9-24-2009 by woody in ob]toneart - 9-25-2009 at 01:59 PM
...laughter he could never get out of his head. He had no idea that the laughter he heard coming from that Tundra with the surfboards on top was in
response to his shouted question, "Dude, where am I?"
Little did he know that the joke was: he was within 1/2 km of an ultra secret, well guarded surfing spot...not a clue.
So, to this day he trudges along hearing laughter. His lips move and then he will toss his head back and laugh until tears come out of his eyes. Don't
think others haven't noticed. He is a cult unto himself, waiting in a vacuum
for...Cypress - 9-25-2009 at 05:19 PM
somebody...David K - 9-26-2009 at 09:35 AM
... to drive up with that book 'Surfers Guide to Baja' that so many don't seem to know about with all the 'secert' spots detailed. Even so, the best
beaches are still deserted as most are affraid of...Cypress - 9-26-2009 at 12:55 PM
all sorts of silly things that are.....Sallysouth - 9-27-2009 at 07:16 PM
either made up or things that have happened in the past, like....Paulina - 9-27-2009 at 07:36 PM
Quote:
Originally posted by Sallysouth
either made up or things that have happened in the past, like....
...like that one time at band camp when IPhil S - 9-27-2009 at 08:54 PM
met this gorgeous blond, who waswoody with a view - 9-28-2009 at 02:36 AM
looking for love, but found that there are no secrets, only people who don't know. upon discovering this bit of irony she then proceeded to.....
[Edited on 9-28-2009 by woody in ob]vandenberg - 9-28-2009 at 07:29 AM
...to take off her bikini to take a refreshing dip in the sea of Cortez, when it became quite obvious I was not dealing with a blond at all,
but........Cypress - 9-28-2009 at 11:49 AM
when she gave me that sweet smile I ....rdrrm8e - 9-28-2009 at 01:06 PM
So the blonde and I headed back up the bluff to the car only to discover it was gone! 1 set of tire tracks heading North.
Who could know the fate of our magic Plymouth carpet? Who had decided we had finished all of our business in that old beater?
What would happen when they...or the Federales..... looked under the back seat at the next checkpoint?
We had to get South. Away from this tiny beach with so many short, but sweet memories. I grabbed what little I had and told blondie to do the same. We
scrambled barefoot up to the higway and struck that classic pose known round the world.It is when you figure the least fortunate among you, is
standing along a dry, dusty desert road with his thumb in the air.
[Edited on 9-29-2009 by rdrrm8e]
Loose Ends...
toneart - 9-28-2009 at 01:54 PM
There are a lot of holes in this story. Some people are ignoring what others have written immediately before them. So I will try to connect the dots
from the last few posts:
Paulina met a "gorgeous blond". It is not clear what their relationship was, or when Paulina dropped out of the picture. Anyway, she will have to come
back to fill in that part of the story.
Cypress said, "..When she gave me that sweet smile I..."
The next poster never did pick that up, so here is what I think happened: The blond (who was not really a blonde) was skinny dipping. The discrepancy
in her hair mismatch was as glaring as the the strange mismatch with former U.S. Ambassador to The U.N. John Bolton's mustache, which was obviously
NOT communicating with his weird head rug.
When she smiled, our "I" protagonist also took off his bathing suit and also dipped into the water. The people who stole their car approached the
beach to steal their belongings on the beach while the couple were out swimming. The couple in the water were (ahem) preoccupied and so they never saw
the guys on the beach. The thieves stole their clothes, which contained all their money and they also ran off with their bathing suits. The car keys
were in our protagonist's pocket. The opportunity was there for the thieves to take the vehicle, and they did.
So...cut to the scene on the highway where the two were hitchhiking, NAKED! Well, as you can imagine, it didn't take long for...David K - 9-28-2009 at 02:05 PM
... a multi-car pile-up (with a cow) to occur, thanks not only to the distraction of naked hitchhikers, but those eco-tourist riding bikes all in the
same place! Well, thanks for the Green Angel who was there soon after, help was soon at hand. Now, the PROBLEM started when the Federal Highway Police
arrived and everyone was...rdrrm8e - 9-28-2009 at 02:38 PM
quickly crammed into the dusty patrol car as it whisked off. A few minutes later the sedan, appearing more circus car than official vehicle, skidded
to a stop next to the remains of the Plymouth. The first thing the bound traveler noticed was the back seat upside down next to the car.
He didn't even notice the Baja scarred heel of the blonde woman using his forhead for a stepstool to get out of the police car. The cuffs got tighter
and tighter..........
[Edited on 9-28-2009 by rdrrm8e]vandenberg - 9-28-2009 at 02:57 PM
Quote:
Originally posted by rdrrm8e
So the blonde and I headed back up the bluff to the car
No bluff in my story
Sorry for the hijack....continue....Cypress - 9-29-2009 at 11:22 AM
she led me to the back of the Pemex and......woody with a view - 9-29-2009 at 11:50 AM
showed me the shiny new diesel pumps....lizard lips - 9-29-2009 at 01:45 PM
..... I also noticed that the carpet did not match the drapes and she really was a redhead but that didn't matter after we....David K - 9-29-2009 at 04:23 PM
... inspected the floor for roaches and spiders...Phil S - 9-29-2009 at 08:35 PM
and not finding any, rolled out my air mattress andbajaguy - 9-29-2009 at 09:31 PM
stepped on a left over chicken burrito from..........DavidT - 9-29-2009 at 09:44 PM
Randy the midgets first time with the Amazon hooker. When their nose to nose his toes are in it, toes to toes his nose is in it. And hip to hip
there's...Paulina - 9-29-2009 at 10:05 PM
And hip to hip there's cholla in it, and it didn't feel good at that moment. He wasn't sure how to bring subject to the forefront so he...
ps. on edit; I don't think I'm very good on this endless story scene.
[Edited on 30-9-2009 by Paulina]Desertbull - 9-29-2009 at 10:16 PM
walked with her down to the beach toneart - 9-30-2009 at 10:13 AM
..and he explained as best he could to her that she is a character in the endless story called The Swiss Cheese Chronicles. She didn't get
it. oldjack - 9-30-2009 at 10:26 AM
as they morphed into one the subject becamewoody with a view - 9-30-2009 at 12:19 PM
full of holes, and the mold began to grow....vandenberg - 9-30-2009 at 12:43 PM
....which, of course, scared the crap out of them/him/her. Decided to head for the nearest Farmacia and get some Nembutal to clear this up once and
for all. However....
[Edited on 9-30-2009 by vandenberg]DanO - 9-30-2009 at 01:01 PM
it turned out that the nearest Farmacia was in a Costco, and once there we forgot what we had come in for and instead bought 10 pounds of gummi bears,
a dozen jars of vaseline, a case of scotch and a couple of massage chairs. Later, after we had put these items to good use . . .toneart - 9-30-2009 at 03:46 PM
...I just wanted to sleep, but she...toneart - 9-30-2009 at 03:49 PM
...reminded me that we had morphed into one being...a "Monosexual".
What internal and external conflict! By now the mold...DanO - 9-30-2009 at 04:06 PM
. . . had grown into a huge, somehow sentient biomass and was about to release trillions of potentially deadly mold spores into the atmosphere.
Realizing that the fate of the globe hung in the balance, I . . .Pompano - 9-30-2009 at 06:54 PM
.....realized she was sending me more mixed signals than a dyslexic third-base coach.
I had seen her sitting at the space galaxy bar. I approached. "Hello," she said in a voice so husky it could pull a dogsled....woody with a view - 10-1-2009 at 02:48 AM
straight from the gates of hell, er, i mean 29 Palms.....vandenberg - 10-1-2009 at 07:53 AM
....then, realizing that the huskiness was the result of my hearing aid malfunctioning, I adjusted my glasses, noticed her "stack of dimes" neck, and
realized that she was indeed only good for pulling a sled/train.
[Edited on 10-1-2009 by vandenberg]oldjack - 10-1-2009 at 08:54 AM
dissappointed... I then noticed an attractive young lady coming out of the powder room.. I quickly approached her and made her an offer of..........
A HUNDRED BUCKS?
Pompano - 10-1-2009 at 09:38 AM
..then realized too late that this was not the streets of Mulege on a Thursday and I was without a dinner partner for the chile rellenos at the
Jungla, but that this was indeed a far different place.......
[Edited on 10-3-2009 by Pompano]oldjack - 10-1-2009 at 10:14 AM
then she angerly said "shove the $100" all I want is a ride to.....toneart - 10-1-2009 at 10:22 AM
...Nirvana. Do you have what it takes to deliver me there? I'll pay YOU the $100 bucks!vandenberg - 10-1-2009 at 10:39 AM
...and that's how I got rich.....
named my Palapa in Tripui Nirvana and started bus tours from Vegas and Des Moines.
[Edited on 10-1-2009 by vandenberg]oldjack - 10-1-2009 at 10:46 AM
after becomining stinking rich.. I moved to Bahia Asuncion opened up a high end ......rdrrm8e - 10-1-2009 at 11:47 AM
time share. However the first unit sold to a disgruntled ex pat shellback. His vision of Baja was somehow distorted from reality. He abandoned his
dream shortly after and returned to the states. He went on a mission to discredit my place and all of Baja.
Damn! The massage motor just burned up on my chair and a stray dog ate all the Vaseline!woody with a view - 10-1-2009 at 01:05 PM
but i've only got 28 days and a wake-up until a week in the central region.....vandenberg - 10-1-2009 at 01:41 PM
.... it's always bad to be weak in your central region" she said, and handed me a thong and suggested a dip in the surf at Hipolito before the tsunami
hit,...Cypress - 10-3-2009 at 05:13 AM
sounded like a good idea.....woody with a view - 10-3-2009 at 07:32 AM
as long as it was her thong....Phil S - 10-3-2009 at 08:29 AM
but, alas, it was only a spare she keeps to share with friends. She's seen so many of "those things", that the thong would make~~~~~~~~Sallysouth - 10-3-2009 at 09:23 PM
a really great slingshot to nail a pheasant or two in Nopolo (there are /were many).However, when they(?) went on the hunt it was evident that all of
the wildlife that had been there before had been..........
[Edited on 10-4-2009 by Sallysouth]Phil S - 10-4-2009 at 03:58 PM
multiplying like crazy. And so~~~~~~~~~~~~ the golfers at the golf course have added an additional item to their golf bags. And it's a 14 guage shot
gun. So next thing you know
He is a cult unto himself, waiting in a vacuum
for...
