BajaNomad - This joke is rated PG

This joke is rated PG

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bajamedic - 4-4-2011 at 12:35 PM

For all of our engineer and builder nomads:

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

fishabductor - 4-4-2011 at 12:41 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by bajamedic
For all of our engineer and builder nomads:

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."

The second engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fitted you anyway."

This is coming from an engineer...most engineers cannot think outside of the Box :lol:

[Edited on 4-6-2011 by fishabductor]

dtutko1 - 4-5-2011 at 06:05 AM

The professor at the medical school was in the middle of his lecture on "involuntery muscle contractions" . He noticed a couple of nodding heads and decided to spice up the lecture by asking a woman in the front row if she knows what her a-hole is doing when she has a climax. She thinks for a moment and says "he's probably out fishing in Baja with his buddies"

monoloco - 4-5-2011 at 06:45 AM

Little Johnny's father sits him down and says:" Johnny we are going next door to see the Smiths new baby, which was tragically born with no ears, I want you on your best behavior and if I hear you say anything about the baby's ears I'm going to beat your ass when we get home. Do you understand me Johnny?" " Yes dad I understand, I won't say a word about ears." So they go to the Smiths and Johnny is looking at the baby and says:" The baby is so beautiful Mrs. Smith, his eyes are really pretty. Can the baby see good?'' Mrs. Smith says" why yes Johnny the doctor says the baby has perfect vision" Little Johnny replies" That's good Mrs. Smith 'cause if he needed glasses he'd really be flocked."

grizzlyfsh95 - 4-5-2011 at 11:16 AM

The horse walks into a saloon. The bartender looks up and says "why the long face".

Cypress - 4-6-2011 at 06:14 PM

Earl and Bubba were out fishing, all relaxed, chewing tobacco and drinking beer. Suddenly Bubba says "Think I'm gonna divorce my wife, she ain't spoke to me in 2 months." Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over Bubba...women like that are hard to find."

bajamedic - 4-17-2011 at 12:34 AM

Lets continue with the engineer jokes :tumble:

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting
for fifteen minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"

The priest said, "Here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

He said, "Hello, George! what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

dtutko1 - 4-17-2011 at 08:23 AM

I just got back from the VA for my annual check-up. My good looking female doctor told me I needed to stop masterbating. I asked her why? She said I'm trying to examine you! Everything else was ok.

bajamedic - 4-17-2011 at 02:56 PM

Our teacher asked us what our favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, everyone else in the class laughed.

My parents told me to always be truthful and honest, and I am. Fried chicken is my favorite animal. I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, just like she'd asked the other children. So I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal's office again. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am. Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most.

I told her, "Colonel Sanders".

Guess where I am now...

burnrope - 5-4-2011 at 06:05 PM

The Bin Laden c-cktail:

Two shots and a splash of water.

bajacalifornian - 5-6-2011 at 07:30 AM

Be careful about buying anything on E-Bay........

RIPPED OFF ON E-BAY

Spent $50 on E-bay for a penis enlarger.
Bastards sent me a magnifying glass.

Instructions said don't use in the sun

So...When people are laughing, they’re generally not killing each other.

Pompano - 11-3-2011 at 09:47 AM

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "Surely I can't look THAT OLD!" :wow:

If so, you might relate to this as told by 'Baja Alice':

ALICE - HER STORY:

“ I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his DDS diploma on the wall, which bore his full name. Suddenly I remember a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class, some 40-odd years ago.

Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on..way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.

This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was 'way too old' to have been my classmate.

After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Fargo South Cental High School.

"Yes..yes, i did. I'm a Bison," he gleamed with pride.

'When did you graduate?, I asked.

He answered, "In 1971, why do you ask?"

'You were in my class!', I exclaimed.

He looked at me closely.

Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled-faced, fat-burroed, gray-haired, decrepit son-of-a-beach asked,"

'WHAT DID YOU TEACH???'

bent-rim - 12-12-2012 at 08:54 PM

I miss this thread.

Are My Testicles Black?

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse" he munbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body.

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure from worrying about his testicle, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles gently in the other hand. She looks at them closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them sir, they look fine."

The man pulls of his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen very, very closely: Are-my-test-results-back?"

Mulegena - 12-13-2012 at 07:53 AM

To the animal lovers on the board.

https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?v=4621016135353&set=v...

durrelllrobert - 12-13-2012 at 09:18 AM

The wife told me to go out and get some of those pills that will help me get an erection.

You should have seen her face when I came back and tossed her some diet pills!

I'm looking for a place to live, can you help me?

Please excuse me ladies !!

captkw - 12-13-2012 at 09:28 AM

WHATS the Diff between your ex-wife and a hurricane ????? not much,,they both scream when there coming,,and afterwards the House is gone !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL..K&T

WELCOME BACK POMPANO !!!!!!!

captkw - 12-13-2012 at 09:36 AM

YEE HAA,,,M, THE POSTER IS BACK !!! :tumble:

willardguy - 12-13-2012 at 10:43 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by captkw
YEE HAA,,,M, THE POSTER IS BACK !!! :tumble:

sorry cappy, you might wanna check that date on pompano's post! :lol:

DanO - 12-13-2012 at 12:24 PM

Guy walks into a psychiatrist's office wearing nothing but underwear made of Saran Wrap.

Psychiatrist says, "I can clearly see your nuts."

Bada bing.

vandenberg - 12-14-2012 at 11:37 AM

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual
soft-boiled eggs and toast for breakfast, wearing only The 'T' shirt that she normally slept in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going to be my lucky day!" Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all; right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove,
her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, "The egg timer's broken."

DENNIS - 12-14-2012 at 11:46 AM

:lol:

Velly velly funny, Ed. :lol:

marv sherrill - 12-15-2012 at 03:48 PM

OK another bar/blond joke

Guy goes into a bar sees the latest CNN news where this guy is going to jump off a buiding - he tells his buddy - watch this!
He goes up to a cute blond at the bar and says - hey lady - betcha $20 he jumps! She says "you're on"
The guy jumps and the lady says "chit" and hands over a twenty. The guy feels a little remorse and says "Lady I can't take your money I saw this earlier on CNN.
She says - Yeah, so did I, but i never thought he'd do it again!

DENNIS - 12-15-2012 at 04:30 PM

:lol:

Velly velly funny, Marv. :lol:

The Afghan Quarterback

durrelllrobert - 12-16-2012 at 12:16 PM

The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

aint that the truth !!!

captkw - 12-16-2012 at 12:23 PM

2nd up Detroit !!!

Howard - 12-16-2012 at 01:52 PM

A Jewish congregation in Loreto honours its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid. When he walks into his hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude woman lying on the bed.

She greets the Rabbi with, “Hi, Rabbi, I’m a little something extra that the President of the shul arranged for you.”

The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of theshul and shouts, “Greenblatt, what were you thinking? Where is your respect?
I am the moral leader of our religious community! I am very angry with youand you have not heard the end of this.”;

Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to get dressed.

The Rabbi turns to her and asks, “Where are you going? I’m not angry at you.

[Edited on 12-16-2012 by Howard]

boe4fun - 12-16-2012 at 04:18 PM

I wondered why the baseball was getting ever bigger, then it hit me.

woody with a view - 12-16-2012 at 04:29 PM

an 80 year old man and his 83 year old wife went into the doctors office. The husband was going in for his routine checkup. the doctor told him, " i need a stool sample, a urine sample and a sperm sample." the wife leaned over to her husband and asked, "what did he say?"

"he said he needs your underwear!!!!!" :lol:

[Edited on 12-16-2012 by woody with a view]

boe4fun - 12-16-2012 at 08:06 PM

Did you hear about the sexually frustrated plastic surgeon? He HUNG himself.

vandenberg - 1-4-2013 at 10:42 AM

Here a piece of prose someone spend a lot of time on.
Entertaining none the less.

Subject: Who Is Jack Schitt??
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?

We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'

Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a
son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials.

The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.

He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride,
Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you
can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

Pompano - 1-4-2013 at 11:11 AM

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping.

They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.

Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see."

Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."

Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"

Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."

And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."

hmmm....did I post this joke once before? Or am I losing it. If so, here's another:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"

The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"

The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

[Edited on 1-4-2013 by Pompano]

toneart - 1-4-2013 at 01:00 PM

An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.

When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.

I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,
'99'."

The old guy obeys and says,

"99".

The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,

'99".

Again, the old guy says,

'99'."

The doctor said, "Very good.

Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.

I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way."

The old guy begins,

"One...

Two…

Three…"

vgabndo - 1-4-2013 at 02:52 PM

I'm still beset by a giggling smirk Tony. Thanks :lol:

Bugman - 1-4-2013 at 05:07 PM

The aliens and the gas station:

In the wee hours of the morning and alien spacecraft lands on the outskirts of a small town at the local gas station. With the gas station closed and nobody around the two aliens hop out of their ship and assume the gas pump is a planetary representative. They walk up to the pump and declare "Earthling, please take us to your leader". Of course there is no reply so they make the request again "Earthling, please take us to your leader!" At this point the one alien becomes very agitated and turns to his partner and declares that if the earthling does not show them some respect and comply with his request he is going to shoot him with his laser beam. The other alien suggests that this may not be the best thing to do and starts to walk away. His partner is still upset and walks up to the gas pump one more time and says "Earthling, this is your last chance. Take me to your leader or I shall shoot you with my laser beam!" When there is no response the alien pulls out his laser beam and blasts the gas pump. A huge explosion results and blows the alien nearly a block away where his partner is standing. He manages to get up and staggar over to his partner where he angrily says "Why the heck didn't you warn me if you knew that was going to happen!!!" His partner then explains that he did not know what was going to happen but that in his experience any being that has a dick long enough to hang down to the ground, wrap around his body twice and still have room to stick in his left ear deserves the utmost respect! :spingrin:

Marc - 1-4-2013 at 06:24 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by durrelllrobert
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother. "Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!

Funny...but it was Oakland, not Chicago :lol:

Pompano - 1-9-2013 at 05:58 PM

THE CREATION DUEL

In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."

And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.

And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."

And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in his own image; male and female did He create.

And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit. "Muy bien."

And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."

And God populated the earth with rice and beans, broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

And the Devil created tacos, carnitas, churros, & hot dog stands. And Antonio of Mulege brought forth the Saturday pigout. And the Devil said to Man: "You want fries with that?" And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.

And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.

And the Devil brought forth chocolate dulce. And Woman gained 5 pounds.

And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."

And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.

And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."

And the Devil brought forth the chicken-fried burrito so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went through the roof.

And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds on the beach.

And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained another 20 pounds.

And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."

And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into papa fritas and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour cream dip.

And Man clutched his remote control and ate the papa fritas swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.

Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.

And the Devil created light cerveza so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another ten pounds.

And God created the life-giving tofu.

And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"

And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.

And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.

.
.

..And so it goes...

Skipjack Joe - 1-9-2013 at 06:27 PM

Tony's joke about prostates reminded me of this -

Question: How do you get a second opinion on the prostate test?

Answer: The doc uses 2 fingers.

BajaSerg - 1-10-2013 at 11:36 AM

what does the jolly green giant fear the most?

scroll down

scroll down

Avocado pickers!

dougf69 - 1-14-2013 at 09:17 AM

I don't get it.

desertcpl - 1-14-2013 at 09:25 AM

must be an inside joke

durrelllrobert - 1-14-2013 at 09:31 AM

Tom decided to tie the knot with his long time girlfriend. One evening, after the honeymoon, he was assembling some loads for an upcoming hunt.

His wife was standing there at the bench watching him. After a long period of silence she finally speaks.

Honey, I've been thinking, now that we are married I think it's time you quit hunting, shooting, handloading, and fishing. Maybe you should sell your guns and boat.

Tom gets this horrified look on his face. She says, "Darling, what's wrong?" "There for a minute you were sounding like my ex-wife." "Ex wife!", she screams, "I didn't know you were married before!"

"I Wasn’t”

BajaBlanca - 1-18-2013 at 03:53 PM

What does one sagging boob say to the other ?

.................................................................

we better perk up or they're going to think we are nuts.

Skipjack Joe - 1-18-2013 at 05:54 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by BajaBlanca

What does one sagging boob to the other ?

Wanna go hang out?

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