The Very Private List
Or
Dark and Dangerous Baja Sex
Sometimes I think I’m making love to a mermaid. I’m a gringo, my live-in lady, I call her my wife, Alicia, is Mexican. We’ve been together for four
months and eight days now and we are in dire need of a bedroom translator-monitor. We’ve both gone about as far as language is gonna take us without
some videos, schooling or cult weekends in the Barbados. I met Alicia through Ed Burman’s Mexican wife, Yadira who is Alicia’s cousin. Ed and Yadira
have been married for almost two years and have been hoping, patiently waiting for Alicia and me to commit and ask them to stand up for us at the
church.
All four of us have been married before. Ed and Alicia and I are all divorced, Yadira is a widow. We’re no spring chickens. We all have grown
kids; I’m 61, Alicia is 48, Ed is about my age and Yadira is only 37. Burman has a lot more retirement money than I do. Bought a small car for his
wife, they travel a lot more than I can. Ed’s boat is a lot bigger than mine. We fish together whenever the weather allows and the bite is on.
Yesterday I went by his place, caught him out in the yard where we could talk by ourselves and I asked him to meet me on the beach down by Rocky
Point about three in the afternoon. He was right on time, brought his casting rod and a few beers. Once we had switched to bait, once the rods were
in the holders, we were in our chairs, beers in hand I got up the nerve to ask “the favor.”
“Ed, I need some help. Alicia and I are doin’ just fine, gettin’ along pretty well but I’ve been wondering if we’re both finding all the fulfillment
we can get out of our relationship. This kinda talk is not easy for me so bear with me. We talk, we have conversations, the kind you might expect
from a mixed marriage but we are both conservative types and don’t talk much about intimate things. As a result I wonder all the time if I’m really
pleasing her in the bedroom. So far our sexual relations style could be called Missionary. I wonder if our intimacy is too narrow in scope. We just
don’t have enough language, either one of us to get into that sort of thing so I was thinking maybe you could explain my questions to Yadira, she
could talk to Ali and we could get some kind of guidelines drawn up.”
“Well, Carl, all I can do is ask her. They see each other two or three times a week, they talk on the phone, they go shopping together so you might
say they are as close as sisters. I can’t think of any reason Yadira wouldn’t want to help. I think it’s a good idea. Give me your questions and
I’ll give em’ to Yadira.”
I said “Thanks, Ed, I was hoping you would agree. Should be easy. I wrote down a short list of the things on my mind. My scribbling is poor so
I’ll read em’ so there’s no misunderstanding. And Ed, also, just so there’s no mis-steps here please don’t talk to Alicia directly, only through your
wife – that way the translation will be a given we can all work with.”
“First one on the list is How about sex during the day? I don’t think I have to elaborate on that one.
Next would be How about some innocent sexual activity in the shower? Now you’re gonna have to be real careful about this one. Mexicans don’t seem
to have a word for shower. They use the word baño for bath, toilet, bathroom, bathing, everything. You could unintentionally get me into trouble if
you don’t make that clear to Yadira. Maybe wouldn’t hurt to actually walk her into the bathroom, get in the shower with her.
Next one is How about oral sex? Ed, that could be two questions. Just work it out with Yadira the best you can.
Last but not least would be How many times a week or month would be just about right?”
While we were at Rocky Point I caught a pufferfish and Ed got a tiny surf perch. I drove home wondering if that might be an omen for poor results on
my little experiment. I didn’t mention anything to Alicia about the meeting and over the next few days I gave her some quiet space just in case. I
saw no change that told me she had discussed the list with Yadira and I was damned anxious for the call from Ed.
When he did call, it was right back to Rocky Point, this time with a few very cold beers and some frozen squid for pargo or pompano.
After we got settled in he said “They went to lunch after they shopped Tuesday in San Jose. They went over your list and when Yadira got home she
told me what Alicia said, read me her short Spanish chicken scratch reminders. I know you’ve been waiting and wondering so I’ll get right into it.”
“First off, The during the day thing. I can’t read much of what Yadira wrote but I remember what she said. Pretty much the day thing is alright but
there are a couple problems that have to be worked out. She, Alicia, needs to know what time. She says she has the washing and cleaning and cooking
and shopping and picking up and the garbage and watering. She says she needs more privacy. There is no door from the bedroom to the kitchen. She
wants a door. She says the curtains in the bedroom need to be black or darker. She says her cousin knows a place in San Jose where they have good,
dark, cheap material for curtains. She says she and her cousin can make the curtains. Yadira says she will help. You can use our machine. That’s
me saying you can use our sewing machine.”
“Ed, her cousin, that’s Yadira right, your wife, Yadira? Am I reading you right?”
“Yeah, that’s just the way Yadira put it, wrote it down. Now, you want me to keep going?”
“Damn right, keep going.”
“Okay, number two is In the shower. She says peligroso, dangerous. She thinks you might get hurt. You could fall. She could fall. In the shower.
In the dark.”
“Ed, what’s with the dark? Why does it always have to be dark? Why dark?”
“You’re asking the wrong person here hombre. I’m just reading what’s on the paper.”
“Okay, give me the rest.”
“Number three is The oral sex. She says not so much.”
“Not so much? Not so much? What the hell does that mean? Does that mean NO? Does it mean just a little? Ed, what is she saying?”
“Some of this stuff, Carl, you’re just gonna have to read between the lines. That’s all Yadira would say about it. Under that one I wrote down her
long explanation of a problem Alicia wants you to work on in the kitchen. She says there is an awful smell coming from the sink drain. You must have
a clogged vent. Maybe no vent at all. I can help you with that. We just punch a hole in the wall behind the sink with my hammer-drill, run a PVC
vent pipe up by the roof. You won’t even see the pipe because of that big guaymuchil tree back there.”
“Ed, the list, my precious list is getting away from me. That stuff wasn’t on the list. It’s my list, not her list……”
“Carl, don’t shoot the messenger. Let me give you this last one then you can go home, have a solid place to put your feet when you both talk these
things out like loving adults.”
“Number four is How many times a week or a month would be just about right? She’s not real clear here. She says days or nights? She says day and
night is no good. She says she’s too tired. She says she needs time to sleep, cook, clean, etc, etc. She says she needs a car like Yadira’s. She
says she doesn’t feel right always needing others to help her go to the doctor, shopping, visiting sick relatives, going to the DIF meetings. She
says she had her own license, drove her husband, Inocencio’s big truck.……”
As I drove home I wasn’t thinking so much about Alicia and the bedroom. I found myself thinking about my dad. He was a rough old bird but if he
were still alive, here beside me in the old truck I think I know what advice he would be giving me.
He’d say “Carl, you coulda’ done all the things she wants without her asking. The door, the curtains, the car would have brought her to you with
well-won sexual favors you can’t even conceive. You’re not being cheated or conned boy. If you give a dance, you gotta pay the band. Suck it up, do
the right thing or you’ll have to settle for a quickie during the next Baja eclipse. When is the next one anyway?”BMG - 7-5-2008 at 06:07 PM
"She says not so much."
There must be a secret handbook passed down from generation to generation, century after century, that males never get to see. My guess is that the
female members of this board will understand that sentence perfectly.CaboRon - 7-5-2008 at 06:11 PM
Are Mexican women not into oral sex too much ?
That would be a bummer ...........CaboRon - 7-5-2008 at 06:19 PM
Maybe we should start a new poll ... Osprey - 7-5-2008 at 06:28 PM
Congratulations Caboron. You just one first and second place in the Redneck Reader contest.CaboRon - 7-5-2008 at 06:31 PM
Quote:
Originally posted by Osprey
Congratulations Caboron. You just one first and second place in the Redneck Reader contest.
Pescador - 7-5-2008 at 07:22 PM
Osprey, once again you go to the very heart of the Mexican experience. I find it interesting that when we move to a country we tend to bring all of
our paradigm and cultural beliefs with us. Since we are pretty aggressive we have a tendency to steamroller over all other cultures and opposing
paradigms. I guess if it happens in the restaurant and stores, there is no reason to suspect it would not happen as well in the bedroom. Without
being a boring anthropologist, you never the less ask those questions that just beg to be asked. But the Mexican culture seems to be pretty resilient
and maybe it all boils down to "New Curtains and a Used Car".
Shari, who speaks from first hand experience said it very well when she said understanding the culture is like peeling an onion and when she felt
she had one layer peeled off, another magically appeared. Your essay expounds on that so well.Iflyfish - 7-5-2008 at 08:48 PM
Oh, man, oh, man....the questions .....and to find out...but alas....not before fixin the sink amigo! Let us know how that works out?
I do have an opinion on the subject and that is that the church and it's prohibition against sex for pleasure no doubt plays an important role here.
I know that the sources of most of our learning in this area, Playboy etc. have been banned for ever in Mexico. I suspect for most is is a great
mystery....save for those to whom it is a business. I also know that there are madonas and hoars and wives/mothers and lovers. I understand that most
keep these seperate.
Iflyfish
Great story and well written.rpleger - 7-5-2008 at 11:16 PM
Hmmmmmmmm...
Cutural differancesNeal Johns - 7-5-2008 at 11:58 PM
Osprey,
Good story! Keep on writing and I will keep on reading.Bajafun777 - 7-6-2008 at 12:27 AM
Osprey, look you can venture into San Diego go to I think Barrett street turn off from the Pacific Coast highway just up the road from where you go
pass the turn off to the S.D. airport. I believe the place is called the barrett street adult store or wherehouse or something like that. You can
not miss it once you take that barrett street turn off going back to the west it will be on your right side of the street. They have dvds in spanish
that show and tell on a number of sexual things. A couple of friends went in there to get some party things for a friend that was getting married and
we wanted to send off after a long fun and drink night. Check it out and the people running the store are very open to helping you. Remember your
over 21 and this is adult issues that may be embrassing to you but as you know sex in any relationship is just something that should be a fun learning
curve for both partners. To just worry about it will not get it done for you as you are on the right track trying to get this relationship to be open
and fun. You could also check out the local video stores and you might be surprised what they can order and get in Mexico. Yea, no playboys what a
joke as I have seen some of the mags the guys look at down there and playboy has nothing on them. Adult sex issues are just that and as long as it is
between to consenting adults let the good times roll, enjoyment for both of you amigo is what it is about. They also have sixx therapists in Mexico
and if your paying they will assist you in getting your message across but remember if it is not fun or exciting to her then your probably going to
have to cross it off your list. Later--bajafun777Oso - 7-6-2008 at 09:12 AM
Shower= Regadera.bacquito - 7-6-2008 at 03:19 PM
Quote:
Originally posted by Oso Shower= Regadera.
O" bano de ducha" Can't print the right "n"movinguy - 7-6-2008 at 03:30 PM
I bet if you serenade her with this she will do whatever you want:
Originally posted by Osprey
If you give a dance, you gotta pay the band. Suck it up, do the right thing or you’ll have to settle for a quickie
It kind of depends on what you are looking for Osprey. At the point she brought up you buying her a vehicle in return for more sex I'd be deciding
that she was not marriage material - but maybe good to have arund for a dance.
And dances cost. (maybe that's what you figured your father would say.)
Good Luck - be careful.Osprey - 7-6-2008 at 05:23 PM
In Navajoa, like most rural settings around the globe, the something for something, the promise for a promise begins with a pleasant dance, a smile
and some easy, casual conversation. That's romantic, not demeaning -- no less romantic than the something for something we all give and get for
fulfilling relationships. Nothing cheap about any of that -- not in my story, not in real life. You might see it another way and -- that's what these
boards are for amigo.Eugenio - 7-6-2008 at 07:50 PM
Thanks Osprey - I probably should have witheld my 2 cents - but at least I was honest.
On a lighter not here's a link to a song from the movie "Matando Cabos" - "La Reina de Polanco" - about another type of lady - I don't know where
you're at wth your learning spanish but you should be able to understand the subtitles (I'd also recommend the movie - but they use some slang from
Mexico City that'll be different.)
Thanks for your stories man - I really enjoy them.
[Edited on 7-7-2008 by Eugenio]Osprey - 7-7-2008 at 06:23 AM
Thanks Eugenio, tiene caracter. And thanks for the video -- I don't have enough Mexico Spanish to capture much of it. I have been studying the 500
verb book and it's driving me (more) whacko.oldlady - 7-7-2008 at 07:36 AM
Based on some U2U's among some female Nomads, IMHO, you guys have to much time in your hands.Iflyfish - 7-7-2008 at 07:44 AM
oldlady,
You mean that men may be preoccupied with this issue? Who would have guessed it? Ah, the curse of testosterone!
Iflyfishbajaguy - 7-7-2008 at 07:47 AM
Dang, after reading the topic title, I thought it was instructions.....Iflyfish - 7-7-2008 at 09:48 AM
bajaguy
Go to the links for instructions. Handle with care.
IflyfishBMG - 7-7-2008 at 09:52 AM
Quote:
Originally posted by oldlady
Based on some U2U's among some female Nomads, IMHO, you guys have to much time in your hands.
Took a while to finally get a female response. I was wondering if this thread ever would.
I will admit to not thinking of sex as much nowadays as I did in my youth. (But, that could also be due to the fact that I sleep more.)
btw, is there also a secret female handshake or somethin' that us preoccupied males haven't picked up on?oldlady - 7-7-2008 at 11:21 AM
Quote:
Originally posted by BMG
btw, is there also a secret female handshake or somethin' that us preoccupied males haven't picked up on?
Lol....of course! Google Lysistrata, good place to begin! Iflyfish - 7-7-2008 at 11:47 AM
oh, oh, afraid we have awoken a sleeping beauty! Lysistrata indeed! What about Superman? Batman and Robin, oops forget that one, how about the Lone
Ranger and Tonto...oops again, how about Spiderman? Talk about mythic heroes % heroins...how about the daughters of Lesbos? Now we are talking real
girl power!
IflyfishBMG - 7-7-2008 at 12:04 PM
Quote:
Originally posted by oldlady
Quote:
Originally posted by BMG
btw, is there also a secret female handshake or somethin' that us preoccupied males haven't picked up on?
Lol....of course! Google Lysistrata, good place to begin!
Good research. Found a few tidbits that may help Osprey in his quest for answers:
>>>
"Greek men believed women had no self-restraint, a lack displayed in their alleged fondness for wine as well as for sex."
>>>
"Ah! don't irritate me, you there, or I'll lay my slipper across your jaws; and it's pretty heavy. By the blessed goddesses, if you anger me, I will
let loose the beast of my evil passions, and a very hailstorm of blows will set you yelling for help."
>>>
Lysistrata: Yes, that is best.... Ah! here comes Lampito. (Lampito, a husky Spartan damsel, enters with three others, two from Boeotia and one from
Corinth.) Good day, Lampito, dear friend from Lacedaemon. How well and handsome you look! what a rosy complexion! and how strong you seem; why, you
could strangle a bull surely!
Lampito: Yes, indeed, I really think I could. It's because I do gymnastics and practise the bottom-kicking dance.
Cleonice (opening Lampito's robe and baring her bosom): And what superb breasts!
Lampito: La! you are feeling me as if I were a beast for sacrifice.
>>>
(Seems to me there was a previous post regarding 'Bottom-Kicking' dance lessons being taught somewhere around Loreto.)oldlady - 7-7-2008 at 12:06 PM
Wonder Woman! Katherine the Great! Elizabeth I, and one of my personal favorites Millicent Fenwick!vandenberg - 7-7-2008 at 12:42 PM
Quote:
Originally posted by oldlady
Wonder Woman! Katherine the Great! Elizabeth I, and one of my personal favorites Millicent Fenwick!
Millicent Fenwick
She the one that invented the fishing pole/rod.oldlady - 7-7-2008 at 12:50 PM
Not that I know of, but good quip. She was a Congresswoman. Quite a colorful character, very bright, outspoken, smoked skinny cigars.tripledigitken - 7-7-2008 at 01:16 PM
Quote:
smoked skinny cigars.
Love a woman that will smoke a cigar!
Kenoldlady - 7-7-2008 at 01:18 PM
Aw, geeeeee!toneart - 7-7-2008 at 01:27 PM
Quote:
Originally posted by Iflyfish
oh, oh, afraid we have awoken a sleeping beauty! Lysistrata indeed! What about Superman? Batman and Robin, oops forget that one, how about the Lone
Ranger and Tonto...oops again, how about Spiderman? Talk about mythic heroes % heroins...how about the daughters of Lesbos? Now we are talking real
girl power!
Iflyfish
......the daughters of Lesbos...Carl Orf wrote an Opera (actually a group of lyrical tone poems) about them. It got Hitler off while he was wearing
his jack boots. I like the music but it doesn't resonate with my libido.
Originally posted by Bajaguy:
Dang, after reading the topic title, I thought it was instructions.....
We could all reconnect with our inner-teen and sing "Teach Me Tonight".
Shower= Regadera.
