BajaNomad - Baja Retirement

Baja Retirement

Osprey - 10-22-2008 at 07:52 AM

HOW TO STOP

Retirement Debriefing for Men

The Twelve Step Program for Workaholics

When resumés are received, the prospective human resources person in charge will usually flip right to the sections marked WORK EXPERIENCE, EDUCATION OR CURRICULUM VITAE. They want to know IF YOU KNOW HOW TO DO THIS, HOW MUCH TRAINING DO YOU HAVE, HAVE YOU DONE IT BEFORE, HOW LONG, TO WHAT END, ARE YOU GOOD AT IT? As you can see by the dust cover of this book, my qualifications for being able to GIVE YOU A LIFE are not based on WORK EXPERIENCE. This is not one of those I'VE BEEN THERE AND BACK, I FEEL YOUR PAIN, I CAN HELP YOU books. I HAVE NOT BEEN THERE. Those are my qualifications -- I NEVER BOUGHT INTO THE WORK THING.

FOR YOU SKEPTICS

A. This little book IS ONLY $1.00 ($1.40 Canadian)
B. It could SAVE YOUR LIFE
C. Ask yourself this question. "Do you think movie stuntmen trainees would rather be taught by Tom Selleck or by a guy in a full body cast?"
D. Or, question 2 "Do you think alcoholics want to be lectured to by a sober guy with a nice smile and great muscle tone who has more chicks than he can date or a burnt out, gaunt strawman of a figure who willingly admits that he was ravaged by the thing he wants you to shun.
E. Who do you know (except your kids and your brother-in-law Earl) has not come close to cultivating any kind of work ethic; has been able to survive, thrive without the benefit of A CAREER, A WORK PLAN, A UNION BADGE OR NUMBER?.

I can hear your answers. You are ready. Hold your breath, take my hand, turn the page to THE FIRST STEP TO THE BEGINNING OF THE NIRVANA OF NON-WORK RETIREMENT LIFE.

STEP ONE

Get Over It

Consider the fact that you are not the first person to retire from an active work/business life. People grow old, wear out, outlive their usefulness on the job. Life goes on. The world turns, stocks fluctuate. Unless you have a need to pinch children and flip burgers part-time then your retirement is not just an option....if you can't work any more, you must be retired. ACCEPT THE FACT THAT YOU NO LONGER WORK FOR A LIVING. YOU MUST BEGIN TO FORGET ABOUT AMALGAMATED THIS, ACME THAT, CONSOLIDATED THOSE. Ole Marvin or Phil can carry on without you. You have left behind a solid base, a timeless cornerstone of work/business principles and concepts they will carry into the future. Engine House 31 will still fight fires, Santee Sanitation will still make trips to the landfill, kids will still get to school on the big yellow buses (in fact, on your bus #1026) of the Tri-County School District WITHOUT YOU.

STEP TWO

Get Rid of The Captain's Hat

Those of you who were Alpha Males, CEO's, The Boss, The Forman, Shift Supervisors need this book more than others. You must learn to STOP TRYING TO BE USEFUL. You finished all the tasks that needed to be accomplished -- otherwise you would not, now, feel you are actually RETIRED. My little FIVE MINUTE PRETENDING DRILL CAN HELP. Close your eyes. You are with Hannibal's army crossing the alps. It is very cold. Hannibal is in the lead of a long column of people and animals. He is followed by his personal legion of guards, then lots of soldiers, then the elephants, more soldiers, wagons full of provisions, then you. YOU CAN'T ALWAYS BE THE LEADER. Get used to the idea that THERE ARE NO LEADERS IN THE WORLD OF RETIREMENT. We are all lowly followers, the further back in the line, the more fulfilling the retirement experience. Do the drill whenever you feel like jumping up to phone your congressman, pack your wheel bearings, WD 40 some creaky hinges. Switch around, be with Fremont, Sherman, Rommel, Macy. (forget Donner)
STEP THREE

Stop Puttering

Sell or give away your tools. The opposable thumb has evolved to hold forks, spoons and shot glasses. Have nothing around the house, in the garage THAT HAS A HANDLE. If you must: one hammer, one adjustable wrench, one combination screwdriver. NO PAINT, NO PAINTING EQUIPMENT. This includes masking tape, drop cloths, thinner, brushes, rollers and trays. No Electrical Tools or Equipment --- this is the stuff you might say about "oh, this, this is just a little sander. I don't do the work, the little motor inside does all the work." Who are you kidding? Only yourself. Want to be convinced? Drive around any Senior's Mobile Home Heaven retirement center and check out the siding on the mobile homes, the paint on the pickup trucks. The siding is twice as thick as it was when installed WITH ALL THE EXTRA COATS OF PAINT IT MORE RESEMBLES ARMOR THAN SIDING. The paint on the trucks CANNOT BE MEASURED BY A MICROMETER -- THE VEHICLES ARE WASHED AT LEAST ONCE EVERY DAY.

Garden equipment such as shovels, hoes, clippers, etc. should be locked in a special place -- the key made available only to your wife and/or gardener.

STEP FOUR

Stop Counting Your Money

No one and nothing can help you adjust to a life of leisure unless you can PUT AWAY YOUR RETIREMENT FILE. IT HAS ALL BEEN VERIFIED, CODIFIED, COPIED, SAVED, DOWNLOADED AND TUCKED AWAY IN A SAFE PLACE. YOU KNOW, TO THE PENNY, HOW MUCH YOU HAVE COMING FROM SOCIAL SECURITY, PENSIONS, STIPENDS, DIVIDENDS AND COUPONS. You (and probably the missus) have been over the RETIREMENT BUDGET a dozen times, know it by heart; all the contingencies, emergency, discretionary and slush funds, the high risk, low risk, no risk investments and holdings of every kind. YOU'LL BE FINE. NOW JUST STOPPIT.

STEP FIVE

Learn How to Sleep

Now that you have more time (you're not counting your money and you're not puttering anymore) you need to learn how to sleep a good part of your life away -- and, I hasten to add, it is GUILT-FREE SLEEP. You worked at your job, at your house, for your kids, at your marriage YOUR WHOLE LIFE. You never got enough sleep and what's more important THE RIGHT KIND OF SLEEP. Now you can catch up. This is not a walk in the park. This will take some time. Don't rush it. Stay up as late as you can, the later the better. Rent a bunch of old westerns on video, stay up til two or three in the morning for as many nights as you can. Eventually it will all catch up to you, you'll sleep like the dead until noon or so. Ease off for a few days and then do it again. After NO MORE THAN SIX WEEKS YOU'LL FIND YOURSELF WANTING TO TAKE A NAP. Don't fight it -- nap anywhere, anytime. Snore.

STEP SIX

Stay "In the Moment"

Lots of retirees spend every waking moment RELIVING THE PAST. YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN, THERE, DONE THAT, GOT THE T-SHIRT, WHY GO BACK? A quick way out of this killer habit is to use A DOG. If you already have a dog so much the better, if not, get one at your local pound. WATCH THE DOG. OBSERVE THE DOG. Dogs do not live in the past. They live IN THE MOMENT. THAT'S WHERE YOU BELONG. Not waltzing everyone that drops by BACK DOWN MEMORY LANE. Former students have told me that occasionally they have not only been able to LIVE IN THE MOMENT but they have been able to live JUST OUTSIDE THE MOMENT. Think of it! Not worried about the future, not drudging up the worn-out memories, not stuck on the thorns of the reality of HERE AND NOW, JUST A STEP AWAY, ALMOST LIKE A CASUAL OBSERVER!! A caution. Don't get ahead of yourself. For now just focus on Here, Now, napping.

STEP SEVEN

Breaking The c-cktail Hour Clock

Those of you who worked for yourselves and most of you who worked for others probably didn't drink alcoholic beverages while you worked. So, no matter what shift or work routine you were in, for that 8, 10, 12 hours you were employed you abstained. You drinkers held off until work was over; popped the cap on a beer when you got home or stopped off at your local pub on the way home from work. Well, no more of that. NO MORE SUN OVER THE YARDARM, IT'S FIVE O'CLOCK SOMEWHERE winking and grinning. No more need for old saws, gimmicks or excuses. YOU MUST BEGIN TO DRINK EARLIER IN THE DAY. Bloody Mary's in the morning will get things going. Remember there are NO LONGER ANY TOOLS TO HARM YOU. YOU HAVE NO HEAVY EQUIPMENT TO OPERATE -- IN FACT, YOU HAVE NO EQUIPMENT AT ALL. No ladders to fall from, no paint to spill, no potential fires or burns from Acetone, paint thinner. You feel like a few double JB rocks about 2:30 in the afternoon (maybe after your nap), help yourself. You earned it. (stay away from the pool, out of direct sun until after the evening meal).

IF YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY FINISHED STEP NUMBER SEVEN YOU MAY TAKE A BREAK HERE

Just because I don't need this book, was never serious enough about "The Work Thing", didn't have adjustments to make when I got older, doesn't mean I am smug about it. I realize that for some of you WORK WAS YOUR LIFE. For some of you these lessons are killers, not child's play --- you don't take them lightly and neither do I. So, now may be a good time to have some fun, a little break, some healthy diversion.

I have been told about ten billion times that I tend to exaggerate. I am not stretching it here when I tell you there are UNCOUNTABLE WAYS TO HAVE FUN, NOW THAT YOU HAVE ALL THE TIME IN WORLD. I will list but a few:

A. Follow your wife around the house, dusting and cleaning after her.
B. Rearrange the medicine cabinet over the sink, hide her Premarin.
C. Put on some Perry Como and Bing Crosby CD's when the kids and grandkids come over.
D. Pour a little beer into your bowl of stew.
E. Let the sprinkler pour down on the patio furniture.
D. Park your truck five feet from the curb.
E. Order some adult sexual toys online, have them mailed to your nearest neighbor.
F. Ask your wife to dye your Sup-Hose dayglo orange.
G. Get a tattoo.
H. Order brochures for Magnificent Mausoleums

There are scores of other fun things you'll think of to do to your kids, grandkids, the wife, other family members. You can spend SEVERAL WEEKS just acquiring A NEW WARDROBE! Think about throwing away all your clothes (Goodwill or Salvation Army is a better idea) and getting all new stuff....uglier socks, baggier shorts, T-shirts stretched so tight they look like cotton Spandex, plaids and stripes and dayglo enough for the circus.

OK. BREAK IS OVER. BACK TO WORK
STEP EIGHT

Become Ageless

Satchel Paige to the rescue. One of baseball's greatest heros "Paige the Sage" once opined "How old would you be if you didn't know how old you were?" There's nothing cryptic about the message. Do you act or feel older, now that you're 68, than you did on your 66th birthday? I know the answer. DON'T BUY INTO THE AGE THING. Let me try one "Who would you want to spend time with if you did not know you were old?" Old people? I don't think so. STAY AWAY FROM OLD PEOPLE (Do what you have to do with Mom, Dad if they are still alive) OLD PEOPLE WILL DRAW YOU INTO OLD PEOPLE TALK. You've come this far, don't backslide. Sitting around jawjacking with oldsters will drag you down. For recovering alcoholics this little slip would be like a half gallon of Old Overholt Reserve for breakfast.

STEP NINE

Your Foolish Pride/Their Squandered Legacy

All your life you've taken a certain "pride of ownership" in everything you've owned...houses, cars, trucks, fishing gear, lawn tractors. Everything has been scraped, derusted, painted, oiled, sealed and coated to last, to remain useful long after the warranty. Lately you've probably been looking at the things in a different light --- THE THINGS ARE IN SUCH GOOD SHAPE, THEY ARE GOING TO OUTLAST YOU. Maybe some of you have already had those little twinges when you've looked into the future to see your kids and the grandkids having possession of these precious things. You're probably thinking "This is my legacy. This is what I worked so hard for." YOU WERE WRONG! What you worked so hard for was making sure the kids had straight teeth, got some education, had a chance for a good start. That should have been the last work you did for them.

The reason? The legacy, the cabin in the mountains, the condo in Cancun, the 29ft. Fairliner in the slip that you cherished, kept so pristine --- your kids or your grandkids will never even see them --- THEY'LL BE SOLD TO UKRAINIAN GANGSTERS ON THE INTERNET LESS THAN MONTH AFTER YOUR DEATH.

STEP TEN

Give Up The Health Thing

You've stair-stepped your way to the moon and back, jogged around the world, took more pills then M. Monroe and where has it got you? YOU'RE GOING TO DIE, YOU'RE GOING TO DIE OF PROSTATE CANCER, SOMETIME IN THE FUTURE -- YOU KNOW IT, YOUR DOCTOR KNOWS IT, I KNOW IT, GET USED TO IT.

It's slow, there is no reason to have an operation. The operation (if it doesn't kill you) will lay you up for precious months, years, down-time you can't afford to lose just now. Besides, it hurts like hell, it's embarrassing to have people taking big things out of your ass. Take your blood pressure medicine, a few vitamins, sell the exercise machines, get your life back, get off the gerbil track, accept the inevitable, don't let anybody touch your ass, be a man

STEP ELEVEN

Just Go Shopping

Even with all the things I've given you to take your mind off the frenzy you took to be your Work Life, now and then you might find yourself bored. No more. Not after this. You can have an exciting new avocation -- BE A LOOKY LOU. Tell everyone you know (especially the kids) that you are LOOKING TO BUY A NEW FIFTH-WHEEL TRAILER, A NEW FISHING BOAT, A SAILBOAT OR A MOTOR HOME. Beside the fact that everyone will have a friend who HAS AN UNBELIEVABLE DEAL FOR YOU , you can use the ploy to save household expense money.....That's right! Most mornings you (and from time to time the missus) can visit the local RV dealerships for a look around, some hot coffee, doughnuts (maybe an occasional croissant). Boat and yacht dealers you'll want to save for lunch. Motor Home dealers for in-between snacks, pop, hot dogs. Have all their competitor's brochures in your hand when you walk in. Praise the quality, carp about the interest rate, luxury tax, him and haw. Buy nothing.

STEP TWELVE

THERE IS NO STEP TWELVE. YOU'VE DONE ENOUGH. GET USED TO NOT FINISHING THINGS.

ENJOY YOUR WELL-EARNED RETIREMENT AND TELL A FRIEND ABOUT THIS FABULOUS BOOK

vandenberg - 10-22-2008 at 08:16 AM

Osprey,

Don't need your book.
Except for a few small differences, I've been following that philosophy since I was 55.

And never a minute of regret.
As for tools, I've got a myriad of them, but can't remember what most of them are for. :biggrin:

And it keeps the better half busy rearranging them, so if I would be inclined to retry one, I would never be able to locate it anyhow.

Long live retirement. :biggrin:

Let's hope so, anyway.

Woooosh - 10-22-2008 at 08:31 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by vandenberg
Osprey,

Don't need your book.
Except for a few small differences, I've been following that philosophy since I was 55.

And never a minute of regret.
As for tools, I've got a myriad of them, but can't remember what most of them are for. :biggrin:

And it keeps the better half busy rearranging them, so if I would be inclined to retry one, I would never be able to locate it anyhow.

Long live retirement. :biggrin:

Let's hope so, anyway.

The tool thing got to me. I spend more time arranging them and cleaning rust off them that I do using them. Right on.

Mailing sex toys to my neighbor? Nope. But I have registered friends for free by-mail samples of Depends. Never heard a peep- so that one must sting.
:lol:

Pescador - 10-22-2008 at 10:11 AM

:lol:

Boy, your book came out in the nick of time. I started to read it because I knew that there might be some hidden wisdom that would help me to "get it right" and develop a "roadmap" and priortized list. And now I learn that the best plan is no plan at all.
Well, if the cost is $1.00 do I have to send you a royalty each and every time I send this either by e-mail or in print to all of those who I used to feel responsible for?

woody with a view - 10-22-2008 at 10:24 AM

truth is stranger than fiction, eh Osprey? o, es el otro via, compa?

:light:

[Edited on 10-22-2008 by woody in ob]

Cypress - 10-22-2008 at 01:52 PM

Baja retirement? I'm gonna have to pass on the whole deal. Love the Baja residents, the best folks you'll be fortunate enough to meet. The whole legal/property deal is something that I'm not wanting to deal with and the the fishing on the Sea of Cortez side is going down the tubes. :no:

vandenberg - 10-22-2008 at 03:25 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Cypress
Baja retirement? I'm gonna have to pass on the whole deal. Love the Baja residents, the best folks you'll be fortunate enough to meet. The whole legal/property deal is something that I'm not wanting to deal with and the the fishing on the Sea of Cortez side is going down the tubes. :no:

Letting us down. Here we counted on you building your mansion on the hill and bring your fortune with you, so you could give our depressed economy a lift and help restock the sea.
Now, what are you going to do to stay warm ? Buy some Louisiana swamp land and fish for alligators. :no:

Wingnut - 10-22-2008 at 03:35 PM

Osprey, since my retirement is slowly coming in about 2 years, I have taken your advice to heart. I will throw out all unnecessary items I have collected over the years....better yet...I will have a gigantic yard sale and maybe make enough money to keep me in beer for a month or so!! I think you need to revise your book to include this very important detail. Sell it all now, you won't need it later....you collected it for almost three quarters of a century, time to unload it on the other unsuspecting idiots. :light:

Cypress - 10-22-2008 at 03:38 PM

vandenburg, No. I'm just gonna kick back, put some shrimp on to boil and crack open a few oysters. Those Gators? I'll let them well enough alone.

bajalou - 10-22-2008 at 04:14 PM

In the words of a old song "Freedom's just another word for nothing left to loose".

The more we own, the more we are owned by our possessions. The more we have, the more we have to protect it!

Slimming down the possessions is very freeing.

Osprey - 10-22-2008 at 05:41 PM

Bajalou, Frank Lloyd Wright once opined "Some men of property become nothing more than janitors to their wealth." you and Frank said a mouthful.

DrTom - 10-22-2008 at 07:17 PM

osprey.....
hilarious

dao45 - 10-22-2008 at 08:00 PM

Osprey I retired a few months ago and reading this post put a lot of things in perspective.Without a doubt the best post I have ever read on this forum.
I laughed so hard Im crying and the kids are really starting to worry now LOL

Skip_Mac - 10-22-2008 at 08:01 PM

Osprey...Vandenberg... Your words to the wise are welcome. Today I turned 55. Only ten years to go to an insecure retirement. I expect to have to work through much of it, and that thought was really bringing me down. Your comments really helped me with an attitude adjustment. Osprey... your advice applies to pre-retirement as well. There is NO TIME like the present!

Thanks.

Barbareno - 10-23-2008 at 06:28 AM

Sign me up Osprey

Even tho this book is a Retirement Debriefing for Men I see some valueable info for us missus's.

Looking forward to the sequel

Barb

Osprey - 10-23-2008 at 06:49 AM

Barb, women never retire. There is always more work to do -- the cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping, all the 100 and one things needed doing around the house; that's why the book was written for men. We all live for the day when we can stay home with you and get in your way.

Barbareno - 10-23-2008 at 07:08 AM

:lol:

Well if thats the case that I think I will just stick to Step 7

Barb

vandenberg - 10-23-2008 at 08:47 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Osprey
Barb, women never retire. There is always more work to do -- the cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping, all the 100 and one things needed doing around the house; that's why the book was written for men. We all live for the day when we can stay home with you and get in your way.

Now Jorge,
Could have done without this post.
Since my wife reads Nomad threads also, I'm afraid you have enlightened her. And here, for years, I've been able to keep her in the dark and made her believe she's retired also. :biggrin: