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A FUNNY ONE!

AmoPescar - 1-14-2013 at 10:50 PM

OLE, SVEN AND LARS MEXICAN VACATION....

Ole, Sven, and Lars decide to go to Mexico for a vacation. While there, they get falling down drunk and wake up in jail and find out they all have been sentenced to die in the electric chair.

Sven is the first to be strapped in the electric chair and the guards ask if he has any last words. Sven says, "I yust graduated from St. Olaf College in Nortfield, Minnesota, with a degree in divinity studies, and I am a good Christian man.... but if it is God's will for me to die, so be it."

The guards throw the switch and nothing happens. The guards get on their knees and say, "You are surely a Godly man and we are going to let you go."

Lars is next to be strapped into the electric chair and the guards ask if he has any last words. Lars says, "I yust graduated from Concordia college in Moorhead, Minnisota, with a degree in divinity studies, and I am a God fearing man. If it is my time to die, it is God's will."

The guards throw the switch and nothing happens. The guards say, "You also are a Godly man and we are going to let you go."
Ole is the last to be strapped into the electric chair. The guards ask him if he has any last words.

Ole says, "Vel, I yust graduated from North Dakota Tech with a degree in Electrical Engineering.... and I'll tell ya right now, if you don't plug dat ting in, it ain't gonna work."

:lol:

Marc - 1-15-2013 at 07:12 AM

:lol:

Laughter....Nice way to start my morning, Pescador...

Pompano - 1-15-2013 at 08:29 AM

One good one deserves another!

Ole and Sven in Hell

Ole and Sven are from Minnesota. They die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks and go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.'

The devil decides that these two aren't miserable enough andturns up the heat even more. When he returns to the room of the two from Minnesota , the devil finds them in light jackets and hats, grilling Walleye and drinking beer. The devil is astonished and exclaims, 'Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves?' Sven replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve don't git too much varm veather up dere at da Falls, so ve've yust got ta haff a fish fry vhen da veather's dis nice.'

The devil is absolutely furious. He can hardly see straight. Finally he comes up with the answer. The two guys love the heat because they have been cold all their lives. The devil decides to turn all the heat off in Hell. The next morning, the temperature is 60 below zero, icicles are hanging everywhere, and people are shivering so bad that they are unable to wail, moan or gnash their teeth. The devil smiles and heads for the room with Ole and Sven. He gets there and finds them back in their parkas, bomber hats, and mittens. They are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men.

The devil is dumbfounded, 'I don't understand, when I turn up the heat you're happy. Now its freezing cold and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?' They both look at the devil in surprise and say, 'Vell, don't ya know, if hell iss froze over, dat must mean da Vikings von da Super Bowl.'

edit to add: I actually had uncles named Ole, Sven, and Hans..and an aunt nicknamed named Big Al. (Alice) I still have all four collections of Copenhagen tins.

[Edited on 1-15-2013 by Pompano]

desertcpl - 1-15-2013 at 09:56 AM

:lol:

bacquito - 1-15-2013 at 10:16 AM

:light:

Marc - 1-15-2013 at 06:39 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by desertcpl
:lol:

Ditto

AmoPescar - 1-16-2013 at 07:25 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by Pompano
One good one deserves another!

Ole and Sven in Hell

Ole and Sven are from Minnesota. They die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks and go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust happy fer a chance ta varm up a little bit, ya know.'

[Edited on 1-15-2013 by Pompano]

LOVED YOURS TOO!! ...BEEN A WHILE SINCE THEY WERE THERE!!

Miguelamo :yes:

Neal Johns - 1-16-2013 at 10:02 PM

Amo, you dirty rotten *&%$#@, you know I am an EE!

Great joke, I'm still laughing. :lol:

Thanks,
Neal

Pompano - 2-7-2013 at 11:56 AM

THE 'Y' CHROMOSOME

People born before 1946 are called –The Greatest Generation.

People born between 1946 and 1964 are called –The Baby Boomers.

People born between 1965 and 1979 are called –Generation X.

And people born between 1980 and 2010 are called –Generation Y.

Why do we call the last group – Generation Y ?

Y should I get a job?

Y should I leave home and find my own place?

Y should I get a car when I can borrow yours?

Y should I clean my room?

Y should I wash and iron my own clothes?

Y should I buy any food?

Y should I do anything when I can get it all for FREE?

But perhaps a cartoonist explained it most eloquently below...

vandenberg - 2-7-2013 at 12:45 PM

IF YOU MARRY AN IRISH GIRL

The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.

The second man married a woman from Poland. He gave his wife orders that ...she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
...
The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house clean, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some difficulty when he pees......

ligui - 2-7-2013 at 01:04 PM

Thanks guys ! good laugh as i'm from minnesota and married to an irish woman

BajaBlanca - 2-7-2013 at 02:16 PM

:lol:

what a good laugh I had with all of those.

Cisco - 2-7-2013 at 03:27 PM

The "Constitution" was a gorgeous two-masted halibut schooner. My old computer will not do the pictures but she was a beauty.

"A fisherman remembers: "VEL,IT'S LIKE THIS ABOUT THAT CONSTITUTION,,,,,GUY NAMED NILS CAME FROM NORWAY AND WAS ON A SCHOONER NORTH FISHING HALIBUT UP IN ALASKA,,,THEY WERE DELIVERING A TRIP INTO KETCHIKAN AND HE WENT TO THE JUDGE TO SEE ABOUT CITIZEN SHIP PAPERS,,,THE JUDGE ASKED IF HE THOUGHT HE WAS READY FOR TEST,,,NILS SAID "YA YOU BETTCHA UDGE",,,,,JUDGE SAYS TO NILS,,,,"TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW ABOUT THE CONSTITUTION",,,,,,,,NILS SAID ,,"YA YOU BETTCHA UDGE,,,VEL THEY HAILED 50,000 AND ARE IN RUPERT DELIVERING NOW."
IN WINTER 68-69, SHE WAS LAYIN IN SEATTLE FOR SALE ,,,32,000$. SHE WAS ABOUT THE SAME AS SHE WAS IN THE 30'S,,,BARE BONES,,,I DON'T DON'T THINK THEY EVEN HAD AN IRON MIKE,,THEY STOOD AND STEERED,SO NOBODY WENT TO SLEEP ON THE WHEEL,,,,,,,BEARLEY GET TWO GUYS IN THE WHEEL HOUSE AND EVERYTHING IN THE FOCSEL,,,,,,,,THEN LATER SHE WAS TURNED INTO A TUNA BOAT,,COST ALOT TO REFRIG HER TOO,,,,,,,,,,WENT THRU A FEW OWNERS AND IS WHAT SHE IS NOW,,,,,,,,,,,"

Cypress - 2-7-2013 at 03:48 PM

:lol:

vandenberg - 2-7-2013 at 07:50 PM

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put
on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't
want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher, they're on the
wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it
was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the
boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream,
'Why didn't you say so?' like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off
his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said, 'They're my
brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle
the boots BACK onto his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She'll be eligible for parole in three years.

[Edited on 2-8-2013 by vandenberg]

vandenberg - 2-8-2013 at 11:31 AM

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugging, liberal and an anti-hunter purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a Democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters.

The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her. She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a 'recreational area' so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned you down."

Cisco - 2-8-2013 at 04:18 PM

Remembered I wrote this a couple of years ago when the power went out while I was on my way up to some BLM land to get out of San Diego. Hope it is not too offensive.

"Taken from my notes as I traveled up to Palomar Mountain from the beach during an unexpected power outage. These vignettes are from my original notes, before I got back to wi-fi land to find out what really did occur. 8/8/11

Listening to an AM “Clear Channel” news and talk-radio station out of San Diego.

Early on:

“Ray called in. What’s up Ray...Please turn your radio down, it creates feedba...”

‘I know that, my neighbor’s a ham radio operator’

“Great, Ray from El Cajon so what do you have to report.?

‘Well, my neighbor’s a ham radio operator and he say’s the terrorists blew-up the power plant on the Salton Sea’.

“Folk’s that was Ray from El Cajon with a first-hand report about the outage. We will be trying to get additional information about that terrorist attack but so far we have no indication of any foul play in the electrical grid, so far this seems to be a natural event”.

Hmm. I didn’t know there was a power plant at the Salton Sea. That’s just west of “The Slabs” and I’ m around there a lot. It occurs to me that I really don’t even care whether there is a power plant there or not, that’s a nice thought. It’s also a nice thought that this power outage is not going to inconvenience me one bit. I have everything I need in the van, I am living just like I would if the power outage occurred or didn’t. Although if I needed fuel and could not find a station that had auxiliary generators that would be a problem. Would not be a problem in Baja, the Mexicans would hand-pump from the tanks and barrel load you at a premium price. “We don need no steenkin card readers and electronic cash registers that don’t work when theres no juice”.

Everybody’s happy. It’s Baja.

“But now we have *** ***** from the MTA to give us a report on San Diego’s Award Winning Metropolitan Transportation System”.

‘John, Our Award-Winning, non-polluting, ceeungee fueled buses are out there sort-of on schedule as we speak (this guy sounds like he is half in the bag already, an hour and 40 minutes into rush hour) but our electric trolleys are not going to be working until, well, until we get some electricity’.

“Thank you for that informative report *** ***** at the Award Winning San Diego MTA”.

John obviously does not want this guy talking anymore even though he knows he has a whole lot of air time ahead of him to fill. This has got to be the Junior Exec who pulled the short matchstick at MTA and had to talk to the media. I imagine they are all plowed by now. They have tens of thousands of rush hour riders who can’t get home from downtown on the one ride trolley and are faced with a three or four transfer ride on the “ceeungee” fueled busses that are “sorta” on schedule except that all the stop lights are not working and it is pretty much chaos on the surface streets.

I turn off pretty busy Highway 8 and onto 67 to begin the climb into the mountains.

John has a really long-winded representative of the power company on now, which is good because he’s been on the air for awhile and probably needs to pee.

The power company representative say’s the original outage occurred in Yuma, AZ (that makes sense, the AZ people hate the CA people) when a worker doing what should have been a routine maintenance schedule on a piece of equipment UNINTENTIONALLY screwed-up and shut-down southern Orange county, all of San Diego and Imperial counties and a big chunk of Baja California Norte. OOPS! Silly Me.

Now THAT’S really interesting to me. One man in one substaion is able to blow the grid for a populous of six million people. I wonder if the Homeland Security folk’s know about this. Perhaps they need to start groping electrical workers.

Radio off, I enjoy my ride up the mountain.

Later after dark when I am camped:

Ron from La Mesa ‘I saw a light’ .

“TURN down your radio (John is sounding a little peey. It’s been a long shift)

“But I saw a light’.

“Ron from La Mesa, who will not turn down his radio, saw a light folks. Now we have Jillian from Julian calling in with a mountaintop report.

“Jillian from Julian. That has a nice ring to it Jillian. How are things in your Apple growing paradise, any power yet”?

‘No, not yet John but we hope it comes on soon. You can call me Jill. (I’m sure John feels better, Jill actually sounds sane) Don’t know what we are going to do if it’s down for more than a day or so. You know after the heat the trees really need water and we’re on wells up here which we can’t pump unless we have the electric, maybe we’ll rent a generator if this keeps up for long”

“Well I hope it comes on soon for the sake of the trees. I always make a trip up after the harvest for some of your fine apple cider and a slice of apple pie with ice cream on it”.

‘Well, you just come on up John. You visitor’s are what keep us goin up here’. (Julian is a 100+ year-old gold mining community about 4500’ altitude and a local tourist attraction. High enough and cold enough to produce good apples).

“I guess you are listening to Clear-Channel KOGO AM and our affiliates on your battery powered radio up there on the mountain aren’t you Jill’?

‘Not really, I’ve got a wind-up radio. Got a wind-up flashlight too’.

“Sounds like you have your personal survival kit all ready for a disaster like this Jill”.

‘Can’t find one but a wind-up vibrator would be handy also. About thirty minutes ought to do it’.

DEAD AIR, LOT’S OF DEAD AIR, MASSIVE AMOUNTS OF DEAD AIR. He must have kept his finger on the sneeze button for 10 seconds at least. I am howling with laughter.

He’s back, composed. “That was Jillian from Julian, an apple growin massage therapist and now let’s hear from Stan in Santee. How’s it going Sta...SHUT YOUR RADIO OFF!!!”.

I shut MY radio off, I’m in tears.

Pompano - 2-15-2013 at 10:10 AM

SVEN JOKE

Sven was buying his first TV. He went into the furniture shop where Ole worked as a salesman. "I vant to buy that nice TV over dere" Sven said.
"Sorry, ve don't sell TV's to Svedes" Ole said.

Sven was flabbergasted but refused to give up so easily. He bought himself a very expensive disguise complete with the outfit, the hairstyle and even learned a new accent. He came back to the furniture shop.

"Hey, man, be cool. I really dig that TV there. How much you want for it, cat?" Sven asked.

Ole didn't pause in his response. "Sorry, ve don't sell TV's to Svedes!"

Sven was flabbergasted and more determined than ever. He went to a neighboring city and bought another disguise and learned another new accent. He came back to the furniture shop. "Howdy, partner, I'd sure like to purr-chess that TV yonder, wa-ja say?" Sven asked.

Ole again immediately responded, "Sorry, ve don't sell TV's to Svedes!"

Sven stepped back, ripped off his mask, and demanded, "Hey, how in de vurld did you know I'm a Svede?"

"Vell, first of all, yong man, dat ees a micro vave offen."