BajaNomad - Nomad in need of help

Nomad in need of help

flyfishinPam - 4-28-2008 at 09:15 AM

Hi there,

I would like to have contact with any Nomads who are married (or otherwise) to a Mexican who has children from a previous relationship.

I am having serious issues with my spouse's adult children and would like some advice from someone who's been there so to speak. I never had children before and now I have two, which are great but the problem issues I have are with my spouse's adult sons, two of which are serious drug addicts (methamphetamine) and constantly come to either their dad or their mom for assistance. My husband and I work our asses off while these two twentysomethings sit around watching tv (living at mom's house), can't find a job but seem to find money to spend on drugs. I am at my wits end now and am buying the book "tough love". I have it in my shopping cart on amazon.com along with a few others which deal with this sort of situation but I can't find anything to that equavalent in espanol! Are there books out there that deal with these issues in espanol? I will buy in english (and read it to my other half) but its not only my spouse that need to read these it its also his ex-wife (she actually needs it more).

Please U2U me, thanks!

Pam

Bruce R Leech - 4-28-2008 at 09:33 AM

Pam My hart goes out to you and yours. you are having to deal with the toughest thing there is. pm me if you want to talk more about these things.

god bless you

Diver - 4-28-2008 at 09:38 AM

What about those guys that are always collecting money for drug rehab ?
Is they possibly someone that could come and talk to your husband and his ex-wife and explain .... ?
.

bajamigo - 4-28-2008 at 09:49 AM

You are in a difficult situation, and I hope I don't sound unsympathetic, but your spouse needs to step up to the plate and throw these guys out. You're obviously someone who cares, but reading won't tell you much more than to get rid of them. If you love someone, set them free.

Skipjack Joe - 4-28-2008 at 09:51 AM

Your husband needs to learn to say NO.

Once they hear that, they will learn to become adults.

-- sorry bajamigo, looks we were writing the same thing at the same time

[Edited on 4-28-2008 by Skipjack Joe]

Bruce R Leech - 4-28-2008 at 10:11 AM

you Nomads must understand that Mexican culture is very different in the way they deal with these kind of things. that is why Pam is in a situation that is twice as difficult as if it were you with your family.

smlslikfish - 4-28-2008 at 10:59 AM

Pam, Try Alanon. It definitely works. There is Spanish language material available. Do a google search for Alanon and you'll have no problem finding a central office that can help you. Good Luck

The Marine's have lowered their standards -- send them to Iraq.

Lee - 4-28-2008 at 11:21 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by flyfishinPam
I have are with my spouse's adult sons, two of which are serious drug addicts (methamphetamine) and constantly come to either their dad or their mom for assistance.

IF I had one or more son's who were ''serious drug addicts, I'd give them 2 choices: rehab or jail -- and I'd personally bust them. But that's just me and you sound like you have way's to go with tough love.

Quote:

Originally posted by flyfishinPam
My husband and I work our burros off while these two twentysomethings sit around watching tv (living at mom's house), can't find a job but seem to find money to spend on drugs. I am at my wits end now and am buying the book "tough love".
Pam

Here's half of the problem. Two adults ''supporting'' to ''serious addicts'' sitting around watching TV? You need professional help -- along with the boys. Hope this doesn't sound too tough -- doesn't look like the boy's have ever had ''tough.''

I do empathize with this situation. Everytime I see a meth head wandering around SoCal, I want to smack them.

flyfishinPam - 4-28-2008 at 11:42 AM

Hi there, thanks for the support and this is a very difficult time for me but it will turn out one of two ways. either dad will see things my way or he'ss take the highway. After about ten years of this I give up.

I am for buying those loser kids one way tickets to MAzatlan and bringing them to the ferry terminal. That would be good for them. At this point I am finding out that there doesn't seem to be any tough love kind of program in Spanish, possibly because parents don't understand the word enabler. This is also a new word for me and now I am facing it and learning a lot about it.

Just to be clear these loser kids don't live with us, I kicked them out a couple of years ago, they live with their mom. And dad, my spouse, is on a seriously unecessary guilt trip. since there's no counseling here in Loreto I will look into the Alanon meetings as those are here. Thanks for the advice and everything I gotta run but will come back to read soon.

money for the rehab center

flyfishinPam - 4-28-2008 at 11:58 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Diver
What about those guys that are always collecting money for drug rehab ?
Is they possibly someone that could come and talk to your husband and his ex-wife and explain .... ?
.

my advice would be to tell them to go get a job. they don't want to work for money they only want yu to give it to them, and that's what they teach the recovering addicts. My spouse wants to take this son of his to the rehab center. I don't even remember how many time he's been there 12, 13, 14, 15???? It doesn't work, they are losers and the only ones who have really recovered at these centers are the strong willed and/or the religious. The centros de rehabilitacion here are absolutely useless!

elizabeth - 4-28-2008 at 12:12 PM

Pam,

I can't offer any advice from personal experience, but I have seen, in my work, and in some families of friends, how enabling drug addicted kids works. It happens across cultural lines, and most of the addicted clients I have met have had someone who continually picked up their pieces. You have gotten good advice about alanon. There are some self help books about codependency that are translated into Spanish, but I haven't read them, so can't say how good, applicable to your situation, or useful they might be.

They are all by Melody Beattie, and titles are:

Ya No Seas Codependiente

Mas Alla Codependencia, and

Liberate de la Codependencia

I could pick one of them up for you if you like and bring it down the end of May with me...

fishbuck - 4-28-2008 at 12:18 PM

I went through a 1 year drug/alcohol class here in SoCal. It was as a result of a custody hearing between me and my ex.
She had a serious drinking problem but ofcourse told the judge I was the problem. So we both had to go through a class.
I met alot of meth addicted people there. They were only there on court order. They were all in serious denial and I really doubt any recovered.
Most end up dead or in jail.
It sounds bad but jail is actually the best place for them. It's not impossible to get drugs in jail but very difficult.

vandenberg - 4-28-2008 at 01:07 PM

Pam,

Take'm fishing, 50 miles out. Make it a one way trip.

sylens - 4-28-2008 at 03:11 PM

lots of useful info here, and the concept of anthropogringoism is, imho, the most useful for dealing with this and other issues nomads post about. i'm thinking especially of the "charging outsiders more than insiders" post, for examle.

wish i'd thought of the word, don jorge. brilliant :bounce:

lizard lips - 4-28-2008 at 03:26 PM

They both have to leave and fend for themselves but make sure you don't leave anything of value in your home in plain sight they can sell for there habit.

Unless they get away from their current location (friends-dealers) they will always be in the same position.

How old are they?

I don't always agree with Lee but a little smacking around (TOUGH LOVE) MIGHT BE A WAKE UP CALL...........

BajaWarrior - 4-28-2008 at 04:37 PM

If they still have a house over their heads and have the luxury of watching TV then they have not hit rock bottom yet.

At this rate they will soon, only then can you help them.

Good luck, because it affects everyone in the family.

flyfishinPam - 4-28-2008 at 04:45 PM

thanks for all the support, I really appreciate it and it reinforces the fact that I've been right in persuading my other half to cut them off. unfortunately its turing out more like don jorges story so let's this be a lesson to ya when in Baja, stay away from the guys and gals with kids :lol:

these lads will have the luxury of a roof over their head as long as their mother can continue to support them. I don't know how her new husband can stand it, he's a pretty cool guy.

ages of these niños is 19 and 22 and the 19 year old has a two year old boy, very scary.

anyway thanks again we will get through this.

Roberto - 4-28-2008 at 04:53 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by lizard lips
They both have to leave and fend for themselves but make sure you don't leave anything of value in your home in plain sight they can sell for there habit.

Unless they get away from their current location (friends-dealers) they will always be in the same position.

This is the best advice so far, coming from someone who I'm sure has had experience with this before. I have too, and believe me when I tell you that they must get out of Loreto. Especially in a town that small, the pattern has been set, and even if they break out temporarily it's only a matter of time before they return to it.

Smacking around won't help. These are not necessarily losers, rather people who have fallen into a hole most people never break out of. Get them out of Loreto, stop giving them money, and make sure they can't steal from you, in that order.

Pescador - 4-28-2008 at 06:16 PM

I sent a private letter to Pam about this issue but in my past life I owned and operated a residential facility for emotionally disturbed children who were court ordered into placement. I know that meth addicts are the only ones who can decide to change and that usually happens only when they hit absolute rock bottom. The mexican culture adds a serious layer here because no matter how bad someone gets they never turn their back completely on family but that is the very essence of what needs to occur if there is ever any hope of going straight. I am convinced that this leads to the high amount of addiction present in this part of the world and it only promises to get worse.

flyfishinPam - 4-29-2008 at 02:32 PM

although the 50 mile boat ride does appeal to me I just set an appointment with Marisol, the wife of the prominent Dr. Fernando in town to go to my first Alanon meeting. I look forward to going. She told me not to try and drag my husband to a meeting, that Mexican men often become very angry to the point of beating the wife when a wife suggests counceling. I saw a little of this last evening when I suggested that we go for some counceling and when he exploded I just grabbed the kids and left. Marisol said that after a few meetings one of the other members will approach him and take him themselves. so thanks for this advice nomad board!

fishbuck - 4-29-2008 at 06:56 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by flyfishinPam
although the 50 mile boat ride does appeal to me I just set an appointment with Marisol, the wife of the prominent Dr. Fernando in town to go to my first Alanon meeting. I look forward to going. She told me not to try and drag my husband to a meeting, that Mexican men often become very angry to the point of beating the wife when a wife suggests counceling. I saw a little of this last evening when I suggested that we go for some counceling and when he exploded I just grabbed the kids and left. Marisol said that after a few meetings one of the other members will approach him and take him themselves. so thanks for this advice nomad board!

You have taken an important step towards recovery. Your own! Good luck.

Paula - 4-29-2008 at 09:18 PM

That is good news Pam-- I hope it goes well!!

Bajafun777 - 4-29-2008 at 11:57 PM

Pam, hate to say it but when they can play at their mom's house and then float over to your house to be with dad they have a continual circle that leads right back every time. Their father has to be ready to "Love them enough to do whatever it takes to get them to admit and deal with their dependency." Until they admit they are addicts and accept a treatment program to overcome it their is no hope, as they have constant reach to their suppliers and endanger your family. Meth-heads can be very unpredictable when they have been "tripping" for several days on the drug. Their tempers and moods from happy to anger can be in a blink of the eye. No treatment and breaking away from their current routine means no hope to gain control of their problems and only misery for you and your family. Get them out until they do the treatment and if the father does not cooperate get away before their life of hell becomes yours. Take care and by the way I have been dealing with meth, coke, and other hard drug users for over 34 years and the ending is always the same without treatment and the changing of their routines that turn constantly to drug abuse. I have a book I could send you but honestly it would do no good as a book is not what is needed here

. Later--------- bajafun777

Heather - 4-30-2008 at 09:03 AM

Pam, I too have 2 Mexican step-sons. Their dad (my hubby) is up here with me in San Diego. They live with their mom in Pescadero. Fortunately they (as far as I know) are not into drugs. What I worry about with them is getting some girl pregnant!! (they are 16 and 20, but both have serious girlfriends). I've told them, and dad agrees that if that happens, they'll be cut off financially from us.
Their dad sends them money every month (or they use an ATM machine to take it out of an account down there). Our older son finished prepa and should be in college, only the UABCS university in La Paz has been on strike pretty much since he enrolled!
Our problem is that we've told the older son that we will not give him any $$ until he gets back in school. He plans to enroll at a private school in Cabo, which he could have done in January, but didn't. He is working, but now realizes how little he makes compared to what he'd like to make, and what we give him to go to school. He keeps taking out more money from his dad's account than he should!

Maybe because my husband is up here and a bit detached from the problem, but he shares my views about going to school and cutting off the money as needed. (or at least he says he does.)

I know it's hard to deal with some of the cultural issues with the Mexican macho, but I guess we signed up for it! Different views about a lot of things.

How do you do with the in-laws? My husband always wants to give them $$, too, but I say let his siblings that live with or near his parents deal with that. I feel more responsibility to his kids (who we've supported for the last 10 years) than his folks!

I do feel very fortunate that the boys are not into drugs or even drinking. (as far as we know). We took our older one out when he turned 18 to Squid Roe in Cabo, but his dad and I did more drinking than him!! I just hope it stays that way!

I think you did the right thing with the Alanon, they can really be a big help. You're going to have to try and reason with your spouse, but am sure that won't be an easy thing to do! Suerte, Heather

shari - 5-1-2008 at 07:39 AM

I am so sorry for your family Pam and am there for you anytime as per our U2U discussions....but I would like our nomad community to reflect on a couple of point this thread brings up.

Treatment centers DO work for some...depending on the center. We treated Juan's daughter to an exclusive one in Ensenada which cost nearly a years wages but was a dignified place. OK, so she slipped a bit when she got out and what we did was told her that next time she would be forced into CREAD which is NOT a pretty place....but worked to scare her into behaving better. There are some great programs available...La Roca near Sta.Rosalia is a fine establishment as well.

The other serious matter is about cross cultural marriages. Do think seriously about marrying a mexican spouse as you marry the whole family and must deal with all family issues as a family member which means doling out $ for illnesses, accidents, arrests, divorces, parties....in good times and bad....if you don't want to do that, the marriage will not survive. We are each others social safety net here and depend on the family in times of need and we ALL go through them.

It is rare to see someone hit rock bottom as the family is always there for them which is unfortunate for the addict but sure is a relief to know that whatever happens, you will be cared for somehow.

I'm all for tough love but our mexican family taught me how to love my daughter...and all daughters and sons...how to cherish children and I salute them for that. Pam, you have a challenge ahead...suerte amiga.

[Edited on 5-1-2008 by shari]