BajaNomad - This joke is rated PG

This joke is rated PG

Pages: 1 2

vgabndo - 8-28-2010 at 04:40 PM

It has parrots in it and there are parrots in Mexico therefore it is not off topic. :lol:

REASONS TO AVOID HIGH SCHOOL REUNIONS!!

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School.
They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for
lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of
Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the
required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then
Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.
She too shares the wine.

Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from
Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a
beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading
law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where
Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in
Phoenix .

Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a
surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker.
They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in
Naples , Florida .

Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her
boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow
their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his
dick.

Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan
blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby
storage facility.

Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains
that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They
live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama .

Mary says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.

Skipjack Joe - 8-28-2010 at 04:46 PM

:lol:

Well .... I liked it.

Natalie Ann - 8-28-2010 at 05:13 PM

That's too funny. Laughed myself silly.

nena

dtbushpilot - 8-28-2010 at 05:22 PM

X3.....

Russ - 8-28-2010 at 05:33 PM

I hate whiners! But after 3 bottles I guess it's OK.
X4

Cypress - 8-28-2010 at 05:48 PM

:biggrin:

Marc - 8-28-2010 at 06:45 PM

Reminds me of another...but not here. :lol:

elgatoloco - 8-28-2010 at 06:47 PM

:lol:

What "PG" means

RonnieRockCod - 8-28-2010 at 06:50 PM

"PG" stands for Parental Guidance. This means a film (joke) is suitable for viewing, but some scenes (words) may be unsuitable for younger children. A "PG" film (joke) should not disturb a child aged around eight or older. Parents should consider whether the content might upset younger or more sensitive children. RRC.

bill erhardt - 8-28-2010 at 07:29 PM

If you like that one, you will probably like this one. I don't know what rating should apply, but Jack Valenti, aka Cod, will probably help us:

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand.

Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.

Two o'clock and no hired hand.

Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her..

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.

Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

"Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.

"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

vgabndo - 8-28-2010 at 09:34 PM

Good one Bill, ya got me.

That reminds me of ...

jeans - 8-28-2010 at 10:01 PM

...a cartoon I saw in Playboy years ago. Remember the grey-haired woman who was always chasing young guys?

This cartoon had her spreading a blanket out in the middle of the desert & sagebrush. To the side, was a young cowboy with a puzzled look on his face, scratching his head.

The caption was her saying: " I didn't say I had a Ranch...I said I wanted you to work on my spread"

briantroy - 8-29-2010 at 04:52 AM

Not sure if the original post is "PG", but both jokes were funny. Here is mine:

A cowboy is out riding the range with his trusty stead when he is captured by some local Natives. When the Indians tell him he will be burned alive the cowboy doesn't flinch.

The chief, impressed by the cowboy's bravery, says "You are a worthy man; we will give you one last wish beore you are killed".

The cowboy replies "Well, can I ask my horse to do me a favor?". The chief grants his request, so the cowboy wispers into the horses ear and the stead gallops away at full speed.

After a few hours the Native are growing restless and about to start the fire when dust is seen on the horizon. From over the hill comes the cowboy's horse carrying a beautiful naked woman. The horse gallops up to the cowboy and places the nude woman at his feet.

The cowboy, obviously upset, reaches back and punches the horse square in the nose. "Posse, dumbass! I said Posse!".

[Edited on 8-29-2010 by briantroy]

Cypress - 8-29-2010 at 04:57 AM

Keep the jokes coming. :biggrin:

lizard lips - 8-29-2010 at 05:53 AM

Two fly's are looking for lunch when they discover a fresh steaming pile of dog droppings so they decide to have a little lunch.

As they are enjoying their meal one of the fly's lift's his little leg and passes wind, very loud.

The other fly looks at him and says " Hey, I'm eating here"!.

Marc - 8-29-2010 at 02:18 PM

As sorry as it is; this is one of the few joke I remember.

How can I become a real Alaskan? Says a newcomer who just walked into a bar in Anchorage. "Make love to an Alaskan woman and wrestle an Alaskan bear" said the boys at the bar.
After a few hours of drinking a fellow comes into the bar, "there's a bear in the garbage" Our new guy shouts "here's my chance!" He runs outside and there's a terrific commotion. After a while he comes back in and announces "OK guys, Where's that woman I need to wrestle? :yawn:

BillP - 8-29-2010 at 02:30 PM

The chicken and the egg were laying in bed

The chicken lights a cigarette

The egg says "well, I guess that settles that!"

vgabndo - 8-29-2010 at 03:29 PM

Several years ago Cathy and I were invited to a big New Years carnitas feed at Teri's house in San Nicolas. I had been working really hard on my Spanish, but listening to Teri, Chuey, Guero and all the uncles at full speed I was getting two words in ten. I was so aching to be "let it" and I remembered hearing that if you could get a laugh in your second language you were doing OK. So this fits the thread.

I rehearsed over and over until I knew I had the words and the conjugation and the inflection...OK ready

Here's a bromo about machismo in the north. A Texan and an Alaskan come out of a bar drunk, and they are staggering down the street when they come to a bridge over the river and the Texan says he has to pee. They both step to the side of the bridge and the Texan says Ijole! that water is COLD. and the Alaskan replies, Siiii and DEEP.

All of the machismo present in the circle within which I stood melted into hand shakes and deep laughter. I remember it as a crowning moment in the evolution of my second tongue.

[Edited on 8-29-2010 by vgabndo]

cinthias 15 026.jpg - 45kB

landyacht318 - 8-29-2010 at 04:26 PM

A pee-drunk man is walking down the road one foggy night,
heading home from the bar, when he sees a ladder standing in the
middle of the road. The ladder extends up into the clouds where
he can't see. He decides to climb the ladder, just to see what is
holding it up.

As he climbs through the first layer of clouds, he comes across
an angel, the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. She says to
him,

"We can have the best sex you've ever had, or you can continue up
this ladder to success."

The man looks up the ladder, but it continues up into the clouds
where he can't see. He decides that with success, he could become
rich and famous, and could have as many women as he wants, so he
keeps climbing up the ladder.

Soon, he comes across another angel, even more beautiful than the
last. Once again, this angel says,

"We can have the best sex you ever had, or you can continue up to
success."

The man thinks to himself, "Well, I could have sixx, but with
success I would have more money and fame." And so he decides to
continue up the ladder to success.

The man climbs, and climbs, and climbs. Finally, he comes across
the fattest, hairiest, ugliest, smelliest, man he has ever seen.

He says to this man, "Who are you?"

and the man replies,

"Hi, I'm Cess."

A different ending

Dave - 8-29-2010 at 06:59 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by fishabductor
Two cowboys are out in the bush checking fences. One of the cowboys walks over to the bushes to take a leak. As soon as he whips "it" out and and starts relieving himself on a bush in which a rattlesnake is hiding. The snake strikes biting the cowboy in the dick.

The cowboy yells to his buddy to run to town to go ask the doctor what to do. So his buddy hi-tails it back to town and goes to see the doctor.

The doctor explains that you need to make a small cut at the bite and suck out the venom.

The buddy runs back out to where his cowboy friend is grabbing himself in agony. the cowboy says what did the doctor say.

His buddy replies " the doctor says you are going to die!!"

This joke was told in Hollywood.

Then they decided to make a movie. :rolleyes:

landyacht318 - 8-29-2010 at 07:09 PM

LIVING WILL

Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just
pull the plug.'

So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.

She's such a b-tch.

rzitren - 8-29-2010 at 09:16 PM

Two men are driving late at night when the driver falls asleep and they hit a tree and are killed instantly. Their souls drift up to the gates of heaven and as they are about to enter, Saint Peter stops them and tells them there is only room for one of them in heaven. He explains one of them will have to back to the accident and continue his life. To make if fair, Saint Peter picks the word Timbuktu and tells them to think up a rhyme. The first man's rhyme is

On across the burning sands
Goes a desert caravan
City lights came into view
Destination, Timbuktu

As Saint Peter was getting ready to send the first man back to earth, the second man recited his rhyme.

Tim and I, a walk we went
Spied three maidens in a tent
They were three and we but two
so I bucked one and Timbuktu

landyacht318 - 8-29-2010 at 11:00 PM

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.

Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....

'CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!

irenemm - 8-30-2010 at 12:02 AM

fishabductor
city slickers with billy crystal
a great movie i think that is the one

k-rico - 8-30-2010 at 04:17 AM

a bear walks into a bar and orders a beer

the bartender says "we don't serve bears beer in this bar"

the bear gets mad and demands a beer

the bartender yells "WE DON'T SERVE BEARS BEER IN THIS BAR"

at the end of the bar is a sleazy babe with a short skirt, revealing blouse, smoking a cigarette and drinking a martini.

the bear demands a beer

the bartender yells "WE DON'T SERVE BEARS BEER IN THIS BAR"

with that the bear storms to the end of the bar, throws the sleazy babe on the floor and devours her. It's a ghastly sight.

the bear demands a beer

the bartender yells "WE DON'T SERVE BEARS BEER IN THIS BAR AND WE DON'T LIKE THEM DOING DRUGS EITHER"

the bear says "drugs? what are you talking about?

the bartender says "what about that bar b-tch you ate".

sorry, but it's a fun joke to tell, a bit of a tongue twister.

[Edited on 8-30-2010 by k-rico]

briantroy - 8-30-2010 at 10:25 AM

Grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you." Grasshopper says "What? You have a drink named Steve?"

Baja&Back - 8-30-2010 at 10:37 AM

Guy walks into a bar ...

Ouch, that hurt.

vandenberg - 8-30-2010 at 12:18 PM

Some humor from an upstart low cost airline in South Africa.

------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you sit where you want)
passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a
flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out
furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
---o0o---
On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot
said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants."
----o0o---

"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business
as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
---o0o---
From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth .
To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and
pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."
---o0o---
"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."
---o0o---
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."
---o0o---
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is
pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in
the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
---o0o---
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."
---o0o---
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."

backninedan - 8-30-2010 at 01:57 PM

Horse walks into a bar, bartender says..... why the long face?

toneart - 8-30-2010 at 02:40 PM

Willie Nelson told this on on Larry King last week:

A woman walks into the golf pro shop and says, "While playing golf, I was stung by a bee. Do you have anything for that?"

The golf pro asked, "Where were you stung?"

The woman replied, "Between the first and second hole."

The golf pro says, "Well Lady, your stance is too wide."

PC jokes

RonnieRockCod - 8-30-2010 at 06:39 PM

I surrender. RRC

landyacht318 - 8-30-2010 at 09:55 PM

Two redneck farmers, Jim & Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar drinking beer.
Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go the the community college, and sign up for some classes."
Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the for basic classes: Math, English, History and Logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The Dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'
"Yeah"
"Logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true; I do have a yard."
"Because you have a yard, I think logically that you have a house."
"Yes I do have a house"
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family"
"Yes, I have a family."
"Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. Because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be heterosexual."
"I am a hetrosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."

Excited to the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand & leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about the classes, how he is signed up for Math, English, History and Logic.
"Logic?" Bob says. "What's that?"
Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"
"No" says Bob
"Then your're a queer.

bent-rim - 8-31-2010 at 10:02 AM

There was this guy who had ben ship wrecked on Isla San Esteban. He was walking down the beach one day when he encounters a beautiful woman washed ashore. They start talking and she asks him how long he'd been there. He tells her since he was 10 years old. She says "That's a long time, what do you do for sex?" He asks "What's sex?" She proceeds to show him and asks him how he liked it. He says "That was great, but look what it did to my clam digger."

BajaBlanca - 8-31-2010 at 10:41 AM

keep 'em coming .... way to start the day !!! some of these had me roaring !! even when you re- hear them, if it is a good one, it still counts !!

vgabndo - 8-31-2010 at 01:11 PM

This'll cause trouble, but I have one to make up for it.

A beautiful blonde woman boards a plane to Cabo, and pops- down herself and all her carry-ons in first class. Shortly the cabin crew learns she has a ticket for coach. They ask her to move and she says: "I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to Cabo to get a tan." No argument that any flight attendent makes will budge her. "I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to Cabo to get a tan." Finally the Second Officer steps off the flight deck and whispers in her ear and she quickly assembles her belongings and rushes to the rear.

Once airborne, the attendent asks the co-pilot what he told her, and he says: "First class is going to Denver, only coach is going to Cabo."

OK, one to break even with the sacred feminine...

A Rolls Royce quickly stops, double parked, in front of a Manhattan Bank, and a beautiful blonde wearing very expensive clothes rushes in. "I need to borrow $3500.00 right away." she says. The young loan officer is anxious to help, "We'll need some collatoral" he says. "Take my Rolls" she insists. With a check in hand she rushes out and hails a cab. Three weeks later she returns with the check and tells banker she wants to pay off her loan. The young officer prints out the paperwork, and says "You're returning the check, and the interest and costs are just $27.00" I'll have your car brought around. But, he says, I've done some checking on you and there is no way you are in need of so small a sum as 3500 dollars, may I ask, why did you borrow it. She rises, turning on a spiked heel and over her shoulder says: "How else could I park a car with perfect security, for three weeks in Manhattan for $27.00."

[Edited on 8-31-2010 by vgabndo]

DanO - 8-31-2010 at 01:21 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by toneart
Willie Nelson told this on on Larry King last week:

A woman walks into the golf pro shop and says, "While playing golf, I was stung by a bee. Do you have anything for that?"

The golf pro asked, "Where were you stung?"

The woman replied, "Between the first and second hole."

The golf pro says, "Well Lady, your stance is too wide."

Best. Golf. Joke. Ever.

DENNIS - 8-31-2010 at 01:36 PM

OK....I had this up in OT, but since it's comedy time and bad taste isn't important here, I'll add this:
-----------

I just applied for a building permit for a new house.

It is going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound system. It will have parking for 200 cars and I am going to paint it snot green with pink trim.

The City Council told me to go to hell.

So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a mosque.

Work starts on Monday.

DENNIS - 8-31-2010 at 01:41 PM

Wait a minute. I don't hear any hysterical laughter. What's the matter?

DanO - 8-31-2010 at 01:42 PM

I haven't seen any Polish jokes. Here's a starter:

A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of Polish vodka. As the bartender slides the drink to the patron, a man sitting next to him remarks, "that's a coincidence. I too am enjoying a Polish vodka. Since I arrived from the old country, this is the only bar in which I have found it."

To which the first replies, "old country, I'm from the old country. Let me buy you another!"

As the drinks are being poured, one of the men asks, "what part of the old country are you from?"

"Krakow," replies the other. "This is weird," says the first, "I too am from Krakow! Let's get another shot."

After the new round arrives, the first asks, "so, pal, what did you do back in Krakow?'

"Not much, really, I came here right out of high school. I graduated from Lech Walesa Technical Academy in '81."

"This is eerie," replies the other, "I'm Walesa Tech, '81 also. Let's get another shot!" But the bartender says, "slow down fellas, I gotta make a call."

The bartender calls his wife and tells her that he'll be late getting home. When she inquires as to the cause, he replies, "oh, the friggin' Liszjewski twins are here again."

DanO - 8-31-2010 at 01:46 PM

A two-fer:

Two Polacks are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away.

This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away. He replies, "Those ones were pointed on the wrong end." The buddy gets exasperated and says "You idiot, those are for the other side of the house!"

DanO - 8-31-2010 at 02:22 PM

Hat trick:

Two Polish men rent a boat and go fishing on a lake. They are amazed at the number of fish they catch. One says to the other, "We'll have to come back here tomorrow!" The other asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?"

The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says, "We'll just look for this X tomorrow." The other guy says, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?"

vgabndo - 9-1-2010 at 11:25 PM

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener,
and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve.
Then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing!

But enough about me, how's your day going?"

Cypress - 9-2-2010 at 07:12 AM

A blonde teen, wanting to earn some money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-women" and started canvassing a nearby well to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could us somebody to paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about, $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she needed was in the garage.
The man laughed as he told his wife "She's doesn't realize our porch goes all the way around the house."
His wife responded, "that's a bit cynical isn't it"? And added "Guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde joked we've been getting by email lately..."
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed her a $10 tip.
Thank you!! she said, "And by the way, the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."

boe4fun - 9-2-2010 at 07:55 AM

A baby seal walks into a club......

DENNIS - 9-2-2010 at 12:34 PM

There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.

"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.

"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."

"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.

I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been
stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."

"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve;

Then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me, how's your day going?"

Skipjack Joe - 9-2-2010 at 12:37 PM

What are the similiarities between a priest attending church and a woman taking a shower?

One has hope in his soul and the other has soap in her hole.

k-rico - 9-2-2010 at 12:44 PM

An Indian teenager walks into a bordello and says to the madam:

"Me wantum woman."

The madam asks him if this is first time.

"You betchum, me wantum woman"

The madam tells him to go out in the woods, find a tree with a knothole at the right height and practice.

The Indian buck comes back the next day and says:

"Me wantum woman"

The madam asks if he practiced like she told him to do.

"You betchum, me wantum woman."

She say "OK up the stairs, first door on the right."

The horny young buck goes upstairs to the room and tells the gal to stand up facing the wall, she does so.

He runs across the room and kicks her hard in the butt.

"Ouch, why did you do that?"

"Me checkum for bees."

Martyman - 9-2-2010 at 01:43 PM

At the astronaut convention the Russian was bragging "we were the first to put a man in space". The American says "that's nuthin' we went to the moon" The Polock astronaut says "so..we are going to the sun" The other conventioneers are telling him "what are you crazy, you'll melt or burn before you get close".

The Polock says "that's where you are wrong my friends...we are going at night!"

vgabndo - 9-2-2010 at 05:59 PM

Hey Dennis...you copying my posts to increase your post count??? :?:

vandenberg - 9-2-2010 at 08:21 PM

Blind guy is trying to cross the street. His seeing eye dog starts him off the sidewalk into traffic and the guy almost gets killed. Back on the sidewalk, an astonished passerby watches the guy take a doggie treat out of his pocket and hold it out to the dog. "Sir" he says," that animal almost got you killed and you're rewarding him ?"
"No" the blind guy replies. " I just finding out which end his head is on, so I can kick him in the *ss"

DENNIS - 9-2-2010 at 08:42 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by vgabndo
Hey Dennis...you copying my posts to increase your post count??? :?:

Oh No....Did I rip you off, Perry? I got into this thread late and didn't read the whole thing.
Sorry....I'll be more careful.

dtbushpilot - 9-2-2010 at 09:52 PM

In the small Midwest town the preacher had a stud bull and a rancher needed 2 of his cows serviced, a black cow and a white cow, so he called the preacher and asked him to bring his bull to his ranch.

As it was a Saturday, the preacher brought his wife and they figured to have a nice visit with the family while the bull did his business.

The rancher told his son Johnny to watch while the bull did his job and let him know how it was going.

The rancher, his wife, the preacher and his wife were having tea when Johnny walked in and loudly proclaimed " the bull fu#%ed that black cow.....

Embarrassed beyond belief the rancher takes Johnny outside and says "don't say something like that, especially in front of the preacher and his wife, use a different word....something like "surprised" yea, that's it, say surprised.....now go out there and make sure the bull finishes his job.

After a bit Johnny comes back in and proclaimed "the bull "surprised the white cow"..........he fu#%ed that black cow again........dt

wessongroup - 9-2-2010 at 10:42 PM

Why women shouldn't take men shopping

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Walmart which I had translated...

Dear Mrs. Wesson,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.

1.April 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2.May 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3.May 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4.May 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.

5.June 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6.June 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7.June 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8.June 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9.July 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10.July 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11.Aug 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12.Aug 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.

13.Aug 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14.Aug 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but certainly not least:

15.Aug 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

BillP - 9-2-2010 at 10:52 PM

One of the all time classics
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when was the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me."

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

(Gotta love military time)

oxxo - 9-3-2010 at 05:16 AM

Two ladies are walking their dogs. It was a hot day and they decided to step into a bar for a nice cool drink. "But we can't just leave the dogs outside in the hot sun, and they won't let us bring dogs into a bar!" says one.

"No problem, just follow my lead," says the other. And she puts on some shades and strides into the bar with her golden retriever in tow. "Sorry, ma'am, no dogs allowed in the bar", says the bartender. "Oh, he is my guide dog!", she replies. "Oh well then thats OK, come on in", he replies.

Seeing how smoothly it went for the first woman, the second puts on some shades and strides into the bar with her dog in tow. "Sorry, ma'am, no dogs permitted in the bar", the bartender says again. "Oh but he is my guide dog!", she says.

"Ma'am, I find it very hard to believe that that little chihuahua is a guide dog!", says the bartender.

"A chihuahua? They gave me a damn chihuahua!?" she cries.

Cypress - 9-5-2010 at 09:56 AM

A lawyer was sitting next to a senior citizen on a long flight and to pass the time decided to see if he could have some fun with the older guy, who was trying to sleep. The lawyer nudged him and asked if he'd like to play a betting game. He explained , "I'll ask you a question and if you can't give me the correct answer you'll give me $5.00. You ask me a question and if I can't answer it I'll give you $500.00." The old guy agreed. He asked the first question. 'What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down the hill on 4 legs?" The lawyer went to work on his computer, called friends etc. and could not find the answer. He gave the older guy $500.00. Now it was the lawyers turn to ask the question. He asked the old guy the same question. The old guy reached into his pocket, pulled out a $5.00 bill, gave it to the lawyer and went back to sleep.

BillP - 9-5-2010 at 10:14 AM

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense.

Deputy says, "License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What for?"

Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign"

Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."

Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

Deputy says, "The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."

Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."

At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving snot out of the lawyer and says "Do you want me to stop or just slow down?"

bent-rim - 9-5-2010 at 10:55 AM

This is a true story, but it's still funny..President Calvin Coolidge and his wife were taking a tour of a ranch. The rancher was showing off his prize bull. Mrs Coolidge asks the rancher how many times the bull can perform in a day. The rancher tells her at least 10 times a day. "Did you hear that Mr. President?" She asks her husband. Without missing a beat, he looks at the rancher and asks "Same cow?"

Neal Johns - 9-5-2010 at 11:12 AM

wessongroup,
You win! I'm on my way to Walmart, Walmart, Walmart!

Neal Johns - 9-5-2010 at 11:29 AM

For all you Toyota guys:

You all know about Maximum Torque and Horsepower and all that stuff from reading DK's posts; but do you really know what the technical definition of Maximum Torque is?

Maximum Torque is:

When you wake up in the morning with a big Woodie and push it down to hit the stool, your feet fly out from under you backwards. That's Maximum Torque

The Jewish Beach

Dave - 9-5-2010 at 11:54 AM

A grandmother is sunbathing on her towel on a deserted south Florida beach, when a man of approximate age spreads his towel out near hers and opens a book. She takes notice of him and strikes up a conversation:

"How are you today?"

"Fine, thank you"...he returns to his book.

"I love this beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away 2yrs ago"...he returns to his book.

"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3yrs ago and it's very lonely. Do you live around here?" she asked.

"Yes, I live in Coral Springs." once again he resumes reading.

Desperate for a common topic of interest, she asks, "Do you like pussy cats?"

With that the man dropped his book, moved over to her blanket and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.

When the cloud of sand had finally settled she gasped, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"

He replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"

Cypress - 9-5-2010 at 12:44 PM

Dave, That's choice!

dtutko1 - 9-5-2010 at 02:19 PM

The young 24 yr/old man is thinking about his upcoming wedding and whether he's ready for the life long committment to his new wife when the phone rings. It's his future sister-in-law and she wants him to come over and look at the wedding invitations before they are sent out. He complie and goes over to his future in-laws house where the future sister-in-law meets him at the door. They start looking at the invitations and he notices that she not wearing a bra and she is bending over to show her breasts. She then tells him that she has always wanted him sexually and knows he feels the same, and that before he commits to his sister for the rest of their lives, they should go upstairs for one roll in thr hay. She goes upstairs and at the top stair takes off her short pants and proceeds to her bedroom. Without any delay he runs to the door springs it open and runs outside where all of his in=laws are standing on the lawn. His future father-in-law approaches and embraces him, and says congratulations on passing the test and welcome to the family.
The morel to the story is to ALWAYS keep your condoms in the car.

wessongroup - 9-9-2010 at 10:26 AM

:lol:

Pompano - 9-10-2010 at 09:10 AM

Two North Dakotans come into a bar and they buy drinks for everybody in the place. They were celebrating and whooping it up, slapping everybody on the back. So the bartender says, "What are you whooping it up for? What's the occasion?"

They said, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took us two months!"

The bartender said, "Two months! What's the big deal? It shouldn't take that long to do a jigsaw puzzle!"

"Oh yeah?" says one of the North Dakotans. "On the box it said 2 to 4 years!"

DENNIS - 9-11-2010 at 11:44 AM

There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and
Afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad.

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear." He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

Someone may come along and promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling any better.
The End

Marinero - 9-11-2010 at 11:08 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by DENNIS
There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and
Afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad.

The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.

The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"

The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear." He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz."

THE MORAL OF THE STORY:

Someone may come along and promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling any better.
The End

I can't take this anymore!!

Pompano - 9-13-2010 at 06:18 PM

The Bridge

The Bridge
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said,
'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'

The biker pulled over and said,
'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'

God replied, 'Your request is materialistic;
think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking;
the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific
and the concrete and steel it would take!
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'

The biker thought about it for a long time.

Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I , and all men, could understand women;
I want to know how she feels inside,
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,
why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong,
why she snaps and complains when I try to help,
and how I can make a woman truly happy.'

God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"

BajaSerg - 9-14-2010 at 09:49 AM

An older couple goes to the Doctor. He asks the husband if sex is
still good, and if he has any questions.
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After having sex with my wife I am
usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sixx with her the second
time, I am usually cold and chilly?"
Surprised he can still do it twice, the Doc then sees the wife. After
examining the elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be
fine. Do you have any medical! Concern’s that you would like to
discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or
concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband has an unusual concern. He
claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the
first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you
know why?"
"Crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is
usually in July and the second time is in December!"
:lol:

burnrope - 9-24-2010 at 03:23 PM

A pirate goes into a bar. He has a ship's wheel hanging off the front of his pants. The bartender asks, "What's with the ship's wheel on the front off your pants?"
The pirate answers, "Arrr, it's driving me nuts."

wilderone - 9-25-2010 at 08:48 AM

A dyslexic man walks into a bra . . . .

woody with a view - 9-25-2010 at 08:57 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by wilderone
A dyslexic man walks into a bra . . . .

.... "ahh, i see!" said the blind man.

durrelllrobert - 9-25-2010 at 09:10 AM

I read in the San Diego Union Tribune that a penguin had escaped from the zoo. Apperently it stole a cadilac from the parking lot and headed towards Las Vegas.
Somewhere out in the desert the transmission started to slip and he took the next off-ramp and sure enough there was a transmission shop right there and the mechanic said he would crawl under the car and take a look.
When the penguin stepped out of the car it was so hot he thought he would die, but then he spotted an ice cream shop next door and ordered the biggest cone they had.
As he started back to the garage the sun was melting his cone faster then he culd eat it and it got all over his fur.
When he got into the garage the mechanic had just crawled out from under the car and announced "I'm sorry but it looks like you have blown a seal" too which the penguin replied: "no, it's just ice cream" :lol:

oxxo - 11-15-2010 at 02:54 PM

Time to revive this thread! :yes:

A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family
doctor. "Young lady," the doctor began, "you're pregnant."

"But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in our colony we practice sex only with our eyes."

"Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is
c-ckeyed."

DENNIS - 11-15-2010 at 03:01 PM

ooooooooh....really bad. :lol:

burnrope - 12-5-2010 at 11:49 AM

This is my fav thread. Here's a historical one.

One day Lady Astor encounters Winston Churchcill and says to him, "Sir, you are very drunk." He replies, "Madam you are very ugly, in the morning I shall be sober."
She tells him, "If you were my husband I'd put poison in your tea."
His reply, "If you were my wife I'd drink it."

sanquintinsince73 - 12-5-2010 at 11:55 AM

Q: How do the Brits say "suck my d***" ?

A: Consume my richard.

Hey, its the only joke I know.

stevelaubly - 12-5-2010 at 11:59 AM

MALE BLONDE JOKE ...

Three businessmen were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing
How stupid their wives were:

The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she
went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on
sale, And we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in."

The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife
Is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new
car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"

The third, a blonde male, nods sagely and agrees that these two
women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by
Every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber.
"Ah, it kills me…..every time I think of it," he chuckles.
"My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have put 3 or 4 packages of condoms in there.!!
“So?” said the others…
Blonde guy, laughing ”She doesn't even have a penis!"

stevelaubly - 12-5-2010 at 12:33 PM

The Mechanic

A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he would become a marine diesel mechanic.

So he went along to marine mechanics school and the final test was to strip the diesel engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result.

The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark.

The instructor said, "No no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine….a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for reassembling it…….a fantastic job really.

Then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the exhaust port."

BillP - 12-7-2010 at 07:55 AM

A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.

But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those “feelings” again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told her he hadn't had sex for months.

Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, “Take the dog for a walk.”

GrOUper-GAr - 12-7-2010 at 06:30 PM

.

good-ol-dayZ.jpg - 46kB

Marc - 12-7-2010 at 08:12 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by briantroy
Not sure if the original post is "PG", but both jokes were funny. Here is mine:

A cowboy is out riding the range with his trusty stead when he is captured by some local Natives. When the Indians tell him he will be burned alive the cowboy doesn't flinch.

The chief, impressed by the cowboy's bravery, says "You are a worthy man; we will give you one last wish beore you are killed".

The cowboy replies "Well, can I ask my horse to do me a favor?". The chief grants his request, so the cowboy wispers into the horses ear and the stead gallops away at full speed.

After a few hours the Native are growing restless and about to start the fire when dust is seen on the horizon. From over the hill comes the cowboy's horse carrying a beautiful naked woman. The horse gallops up to the cowboy and places the nude woman at his feet.

The cowboy, obviously upset, reaches back and punches the horse square in the nose. "Posse, dumbass! I said Posse!".

[Edited on 8-29-2010 by briantroy]

I've heard this one many times and I always laugh my a## off. :lol:

vgabndo - 12-7-2010 at 08:25 PM

Marc...you could have heard that joke before as the fourth joke in this thread. :lol:

vgabndo - 12-7-2010 at 08:42 PM

Woody injected.... "ahh, i see!" said the blind man.

Which brought back I see said the blind carpenter as he picked up his hammer and saw.

I got this off of the internet

sanquintinsince73 - 12-8-2010 at 01:12 PM

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."

Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can have me".

Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.

Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.

"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in years."

The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."

DanO - 12-13-2010 at 04:21 PM

According to a new study, one in three men between the ages of 75 and 95 remain sexually active by having sex once a year.

Now who wants to sit in Santa’s lap?

bajamedic - 12-29-2010 at 02:37 PM

Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).

ATD: At The Doctor's

BFF: Best Friend Farted

BTW: Bring The Wheelchair

BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth

CBM: Covered By Medicare

CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center

DWI: Driving While Incontinent

FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers

FWIW: Forgot Where I Was

FYI: Found Your Insulin

GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!

GHA: Got Heartburn Again

HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement

IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?

LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out

LOL: Living On Lipitor

LWO: Lawrence Welk's On

OMMR: On My Massage Recliner

OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.

ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up

SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop

TTYL: Talk To You Louder

WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?

WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again

WTP: Where's The Prunes?

WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil

:biggrin:

Marc - 12-29-2010 at 08:57 PM

A bum comes up to the front door of a very expensive house and raps gently on the door. When the rich owner answers, the bum asks him, "Please, sir, could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."

The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."

So the bum goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook will bring your meal right in."

The bum says, "Thank you very much. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a porch you got there. It's a BMW."

[Edited on 12-30-2010 by Marc]

This is really, really bad!

Howard - 12-30-2010 at 08:54 PM

I dare anyone on this thread to top this for the dumbest joke!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Your Duck is Dead-

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

I have more, but I promise, I am done with this one

Howard - 12-30-2010 at 08:57 PM

Golfing Hit Man

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.

Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.

"Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.

"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."

"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her..... He's naked, too!!!"

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."

burnrope - 2-14-2011 at 05:24 PM

The mailman's last day

After 20 years delivering mail on the same route it was Mike's last day. At the first house he was greeted by the whole family and given a large gift envelope. At the second house he was given a box of fine cigars. At the third house he was greeted by a beautiful woman who led him upstairs and blew his mind with the best sex he ever had. Afterwards she cooked him an incredible breakfast. He noticed a dollar bill under his coffee cup. He asks her, "This was too incredible for words, but what's the dollar bill for?"
She tells him, "I told my husband that you were retiring and he said F'him, give him a buck. The breakfast was my idea."

bajamedic - 2-14-2011 at 07:00 PM

The local news station was interviewing an
80-year-old lady because she had just married for the fourth time. The
interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to
be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director," she answered.

"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then
asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three
husbands and what they did for a living.

She paused for a few moments, needing time to
reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face
and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker
when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s,
then a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, the funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had
married four men with such diverse careers.

She smiled and patiently explained,

"I married one for the money, two for the
show, three to get ready, and four to go."

DavidE - 2-14-2011 at 08:27 PM

Here is a true story from World War II

The incident took place during the lend-lease war material agreement between the Allies (in this case the Americans), and the Soviets.

The soviets ordered up dozens of cases of condoms with the specification that they be nine inches in length.

Two months later a ship unloaded the condoms onto the dock in Murmansk. Imprinted on the sides of the boxes was the label "Medium".

You just had to start this thread again!

Howard - 2-14-2011 at 09:25 PM

Two Beggars in Rome are sitting side by side on a street in Rome . One has a cross in front of him the other one the Star of David.
Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, 'My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this city is the seat of Catholicism... People aren't going to give money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite.'
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: 'Moishe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing?

bajamedic - 3-15-2011 at 01:03 PM

Sorry, I just could not resist. JH

DENNIS - 3-15-2011 at 02:47 PM

That's awful.

backninedan - 3-15-2011 at 03:09 PM

Thats funny

Iflyfish - 3-15-2011 at 03:32 PM

Mexico has cowboys too!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vm2jPM4ee8

Iflyfishonbrokebackmountainalone

burnrope - 3-16-2011 at 06:19 AM

How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen do?

Enough to kill two and a half men.

bent-rim - 4-4-2011 at 08:58 AM

Two sailors are in Tijuana sampling different brews from many bars. They find this place that has the best beer they've ever had. The bartender tells them that it's a special secret brew that only they serve and that the recipe is a secret. They put some of the beer in a ziplock bag to have analyzed at a lab. Several weeks later they receive a letter informing them that their horse has diabetes.

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