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vgabndo
Ultra Nomad
Posts: 3461
Registered: 12-8-2003
Location: Mt. Shasta, CA
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Mood: Checking-off my bucket list.
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This joke is rated PG
It has parrots in it and there are parrots in Mexico therefore it is not off topic.
REASONS TO AVOID HIGH SCHOOL REUNIONS!!
Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since High School.
They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for
lunch in a wine bar.
Jan arrives first, wearing beige Versace. She orders a bottle of
Pinot Grigio. Sue arrives shortly afterward, in gray Chanel. After the
required ritualized kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Then
Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots.
She too shares the wine.
Jan explains that after leaving high school and graduating from
Princeton in Classics, she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a
beautiful daughter. Timothy is a partner in one of New York 's leading
law firms. They live in a 4000 sq ft co-op on Fifth Avenue , where
Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school. They have a second home in
Phoenix .
Sue relates that she graduated from Harvard Med School and became a
surgeon. Her husband, Clive, is a leading Wall Street investment banker.
They live in Southampton on Long Island and have a second home in
Naples , Florida .
Mary explains that she left school at 17 and ran off with her
boyfriend, Mark. They run a tropical bird park in Colorado and grow
their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his
dick.
Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan
blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Wal-Mart. They live in a small apartment in Brooklyn and have a travel trailer parked at a nearby
storage facility.
Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains
that she and Clive are both nurses' aides in a retirement home. They
live in Jersey City and take vacation camping trips to Alabama .
Mary says that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
Undoubtedly, there are people who cannot afford to give the anchor of sanity even the slightest tug. Sam Harris
"The situation is far too dire for pessimism."
Bill Kauth
Carl Sagan said, "We are a way for the cosmos to know itself."
PEACE, LOVE AND FISH TACOS
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Skipjack Joe
Elite Nomad
Posts: 8084
Registered: 7-12-2004
Location: Bahia Asuncion
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Well .... I liked it.
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Natalie Ann
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Registered: 8-22-2003
Location: Berkeley
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That's too funny. Laughed myself silly.
nena
Be yourself, everyone else is already taken.
.....Oscar Wilde
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dtbushpilot
Ultra Nomad
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Location: Buena Vista BCS
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X3.....
"Life is tough".....It's even tougher if you're stupid.....
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Russ
Elite Nomad
Posts: 6742
Registered: 7-4-2004
Location: Punta Chivato
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I hate whiners! But after 3 bottles I guess it's OK.
X4
Bahia Concepcion where life starts...given a chance!
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Cypress
Elite Nomad
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Location: on the bayou
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Mood: undecided
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Marc
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Location: San Francisco & Palm Springs
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Reminds me of another...but not here.
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elgatoloco
Ultra Nomad
Posts: 4332
Registered: 11-19-2002
Location: Yes
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MAGA
Making Attorneys Get Attorneys
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RonnieRockCod
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What "PG" means
"PG" stands for Parental Guidance. This means a film (joke) is suitable for viewing, but some scenes (words) may be unsuitable for younger children. A
"PG" film (joke) should not disturb a child aged around eight or older. Parents should consider whether the content might upset younger or more
sensitive children. RRC.
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bill erhardt
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Location: Loreto, BCS
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If you like that one, you will probably like this one. I don't know what rating should apply, but Jack Valenti, aka Cod, will probably help us:
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife
She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the
newspaper for a ranch hand.
Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the
house than the drunk.
He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.
For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and
kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.
One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return.
Two o'clock and no hired hand.
Finally he returned a round two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine,
waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her..
"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said.
Trembling, he did as she directed. "Now take off my boots."
He did as she asked, ever so slowly.. "Now take off my socks."
He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots.
"Now take off my skirt."
He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light.
"Now take off my bra.." Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.
Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."
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vgabndo
Ultra Nomad
Posts: 3461
Registered: 12-8-2003
Location: Mt. Shasta, CA
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Mood: Checking-off my bucket list.
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Good one Bill, ya got me.
Undoubtedly, there are people who cannot afford to give the anchor of sanity even the slightest tug. Sam Harris
"The situation is far too dire for pessimism."
Bill Kauth
Carl Sagan said, "We are a way for the cosmos to know itself."
PEACE, LOVE AND FISH TACOS
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jeans
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That reminds me of ...
...a cartoon I saw in Playboy years ago. Remember the grey-haired woman who was always chasing young guys?
This cartoon had her spreading a blanket out in the middle of the desert & sagebrush. To the side, was a young cowboy with a puzzled look on his
face, scratching his head.
The caption was her saying: " I didn't say I had a Ranch...I said I wanted you to work on my spread"
Mom always told me to be different - Now she says...Not THAT different
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briantroy
Nomad
Posts: 198
Registered: 5-25-2004
Location: San Diego, CA
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Not sure if the original post is "PG", but both jokes were funny. Here is mine:
A cowboy is out riding the range with his trusty stead when he is captured by some local Natives. When the Indians tell him he will be burned alive
the cowboy doesn't flinch.
The chief, impressed by the cowboy's bravery, says "You are a worthy man; we will give you one last wish beore you are killed".
The cowboy replies "Well, can I ask my horse to do me a favor?". The chief grants his request, so the cowboy wispers into the horses ear and the
stead gallops away at full speed.
After a few hours the Native are growing restless and about to start the fire when dust is seen on the horizon. From over the hill comes the cowboy's
horse carrying a beautiful naked woman. The horse gallops up to the cowboy and places the nude woman at his feet.
The cowboy, obviously upset, reaches back and punches the horse square in the nose. "Posse, dumbass! I said Posse!".
[Edited on 8-29-2010 by briantroy]
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Cypress
Elite Nomad
Posts: 7641
Registered: 3-12-2006
Location: on the bayou
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Mood: undecided
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Keep the jokes coming.
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lizard lips
Super Nomad
Posts: 1468
Registered: 8-30-2002
Location: EARTH
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Two fly's are looking for lunch when they discover a fresh steaming pile of dog droppings so they decide to have a little lunch.
As they are enjoying their meal one of the fly's lift's his little leg and passes wind, very loud.
The other fly looks at him and says " Hey, I'm eating here"!.
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Marc
Ultra Nomad
Posts: 2802
Registered: 5-15-2010
Location: San Francisco & Palm Springs
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Mood: Waiting
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As sorry as it is; this is one of the few joke I remember.
How can I become a real Alaskan? Says a newcomer who just walked into a bar in Anchorage. "Make love to an Alaskan woman and wrestle an Alaskan bear"
said the boys at the bar.
After a few hours of drinking a fellow comes into the bar, "there's a bear in the garbage" Our new guy shouts "here's my chance!" He runs outside and
there's a terrific commotion. After a while he comes back in and announces "OK guys, Where's that woman I need to wrestle?
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BillP
Nomad
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Registered: 1-28-2010
Location: Lake Havasu City, AZ
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The chicken and the egg were laying in bed
The chicken lights a cigarette
The egg says "well, I guess that settles that!"
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vgabndo
Ultra Nomad
Posts: 3461
Registered: 12-8-2003
Location: Mt. Shasta, CA
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Mood: Checking-off my bucket list.
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Several years ago Cathy and I were invited to a big New Years carnitas feed at Teri's house in San Nicolas. I had been working really hard on my
Spanish, but listening to Teri, Chuey, Guero and all the uncles at full speed I was getting two words in ten. I was so aching to be "let it" and I
remembered hearing that if you could get a laugh in your second language you were doing OK. So this fits the thread.
I rehearsed over and over until I knew I had the words and the conjugation and the inflection...OK ready
Here's a bromo about machismo in the north. A Texan and an Alaskan come out of a bar drunk, and they are staggering down the street when they come to
a bridge over the river and the Texan says he has to pee. They both step to the side of the bridge and the Texan says Ijole! that water is COLD. and
the Alaskan replies, Siiii and DEEP.
All of the machismo present in the circle within which I stood melted into hand shakes and deep laughter. I remember it as a crowning moment in the
evolution of my second tongue.
[Edited on 8-29-2010 by vgabndo]
Undoubtedly, there are people who cannot afford to give the anchor of sanity even the slightest tug. Sam Harris
"The situation is far too dire for pessimism."
Bill Kauth
Carl Sagan said, "We are a way for the cosmos to know itself."
PEACE, LOVE AND FISH TACOS
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landyacht318
Nomad
Posts: 247
Registered: 7-28-2007
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A pee-drunk man is walking down the road one foggy night,
heading home from the bar, when he sees a ladder standing in the
middle of the road. The ladder extends up into the clouds where
he can't see. He decides to climb the ladder, just to see what is
holding it up.
As he climbs through the first layer of clouds, he comes across
an angel, the most beautiful thing he has ever seen. She says to
him,
"We can have the best sex you've ever had, or you can continue up
this ladder to success."
The man looks up the ladder, but it continues up into the clouds
where he can't see. He decides that with success, he could become
rich and famous, and could have as many women as he wants, so he
keeps climbing up the ladder.
Soon, he comes across another angel, even more beautiful than the
last. Once again, this angel says,
"We can have the best sex you ever had, or you can continue up to
success."
The man thinks to himself, "Well, I could have sixx, but with
success I would have more money and fame." And so he decides to
continue up the ladder to success.
The man climbs, and climbs, and climbs. Finally, he comes across
the fattest, hairiest, ugliest, smelliest, man he has ever seen.
He says to this man, "Who are you?"
and the man replies,
"Hi, I'm Cess."
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Dave
Elite Nomad
Posts: 6005
Registered: 11-5-2002
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A different ending
| Quote: | Originally posted by fishabductor
Two cowboys are out in the bush checking fences. One of the cowboys walks over to the bushes to take a leak. As soon as he whips "it" out and and
starts relieving himself on a bush in which a rattlesnake is hiding. The snake strikes biting the cowboy in the dick.
The cowboy yells to his buddy to run to town to go ask the doctor what to do. So his buddy hi-tails it back to town and goes to see the doctor.
The doctor explains that you need to make a small cut at the bite and suck out the venom.
The buddy runs back out to where his cowboy friend is grabbing himself in agony. the cowboy says what did the doctor say.
His buddy replies " the doctor says you are going to die!!" |
This joke was told in Hollywood.
Then they decided to make a movie. 
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