Bob H
Elite Nomad
Posts: 5867
Registered: 8-19-2003
Location: San Diego
Member Is Offline
|
|
Found these quotes while on vacation
FOR THOSE WHO LOVE THE PHILOSOPHY OF AMBIGUITY,
AS WELL AS THE IDIOSYNCRASIES OF ENGLISH:
1.. DON'T SWEAT THE PETTY THINGS AND
DON'T PET THE SWEATY THINGS.
2. ONE TEQUILA, TWO TEQUILA, THREE TEQUILA,
FLOOR.
3. ATHEISM IS A NON-PROPHET ORGANIZATION.
4. IF MAN EVOLVED FROM MONKEYS AND APES, WHY DO
WE STILL HAVE MONKEYS AND APES?
5. THE MAIN REASON THAT SANTA IS SO JOLLY IS
BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHERE ALL THE BAD GIRLS LIVE.
6. I WENT TO A BOOKSTORE AND ASKED THE
SALESWOMAN, "WHERE'S THE SELF- HELP SECTION?"
SHE SAID IF SHE TOLD ME, IT WOULD DEFEAT THE PURPOSE.
7. WHAT IF THERE WERE NO HYPOTHETICAL
QUESTIONS?
8. IF A DEAF CHILD SIGNS SWEAR WORDS, DOES HIS
MOTHER WASH HIS HANDS WITH SOAP?
9. IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL
HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?
10. IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?
11. WHERE DO FOREST RANGERS GO TO "GET AWAY
FROM IT ALL?"
12. WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU SEE AN ENDANGERED
ANIMAL EATING AN ENDANGERED PLANT?
13. IF A PARSLEY FARMER IS SUED, CAN THEY
GARNISH HIS WAGES?
14. WOULD A FLY WITHOUT WINGS BE CALLED A WALK?
15. WHY DO THEY LOCK PETROL STATION BATHROOMS?
ARE THEY AFRAID SOMEONE WILL CLEAN THEM?
16. IF A TURTLE DOESN'T HAVE A SHELL, IS HE
HOMELESS OR NAKED?
17. CAN VEGETARIANS EAT ANIMAL CRACKERS?
18. IF THE POLICE ARREST A MIME, DO THEY TELL
HIM HE HAS THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT?
19. WHY DO THEY PUT BRAILLE ON THE DRIVE-THROUGH
BANK MACHINES?
20. HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY
AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?
21. WHAT WAS THE BEST THING BEFORE SLICED
BREAD?
22. ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY
DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.
23. DOES THE LITTLE MERMAID WEAR AN ALGEBRA?
24. DO INFANTS ENJOY INFANCY AS MUCH AS ADULTS
ENJOY ADULTERY?
25. HOW IS IT POSSIBLE TO HAVE A CIVIL WAR?
26. IF ONE SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMER DROWNS, DO THE
REST DROWN TOO?
27. IF YOU ATE BOTH PASTA AND ANTIPASTO, WOULD
YOU STILL BE HUNGRY?
28. IF YOU TRY TO FAIL, AND SUCCEED, WHICH HAVE
YOU DONE?
29. WHOSE CRUEL IDEA WAS IT FOR THE WORD
'LISP' TO HAVE 'S' IN IT?
30. WHY ARE HEMORRHOIDS CALLED
"HEMORRHOIDS" INSTEAD OF "ASSTEROIDS"?
31. WHY IS IT CALLED TOURIST SEASON IF WE
CAN'T SHOOT AT THEM?
32. WHY IS THERE AN EXPIRATION DATE ON SOUR
CREAM?
33. IF YOU SPIN AN ORIENTAL PERSON IN A CIRCLE
THREE TIMES, DO THEY BECOME DISORIENTED?
34. CAN AN ATHEIST GET INSURANCE AGAINST ACTS OF
GOD
The SAME boiling water that softens the potato hardens the egg. It's about what you are made of NOT the circumstance.
|
|
|
CP
Nomad
Posts: 434
Registered: 7-19-2006
Member Is Offline
|
|
Thanks, Bob! Guess I was in the perfect mood for this this; made me pigsnort.
|
|
|
Bajajorge
Ultra Nomad
Posts: 2604
Registered: 10-13-2005
Location: Topaz Lake, NV/San Felipe
Member Is Offline
|
|
Good ones
Why do Liberals insist and demand that achievers pay the way for nonachievers who are to lazy to succeed, or are just failures by their own choice?
Criminals prefer unarmed victims, dictators prefer unarmed subjects.
Why do ignorant people continue their blabbering when it only proves to others how stupid they are.
|
|
|
Howard
Super Nomad
Posts: 2353
Registered: 11-13-2007
Location: Loreto/Manhattan Beach/Kona
Member Is Offline
Mood: I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done.
|
|
A couple of my favorites from the comedian Gallagher:
Why do you park on a driveway and drive on a parkway?
Why do you call them apartments if they are all together?
We don't stop playing because we grow old;
we grow old because we stop playing
George Bernard Shaw
|
|
|
Islandbuilder
Senior Nomad
Posts: 555
Registered: 11-9-2011
Location: nob
Member Is Offline
Mood: bewildered
|
|
Thanks Bob, you have made me popular (for a day) on FaceBook!
|
|
|
David K
Honored Nomad
Posts: 64852
Registered: 8-30-2002
Location: San Diego County
Member Is Online
Mood: Have Baja Fever
|
|
Nice one Bob!
|
|
|
TMW
Select Nomad
Posts: 10659
Registered: 9-1-2003
Location: Bakersfield, CA
Member Is Offline
|
|
Great Stuff
|
|
|
OCEANUS
Nomad
Posts: 139
Registered: 10-11-2008
Location: Dana Point; L.A. Bay
Member Is Offline
|
|
Great list!
I post useless facts of the day in my classroom, and I plan on adding some of these to my list.
As for #10, one of my students asked this question earlier this year, and we found that a Poecilonym is a synonym for the word "synonym".
|
|
|
Bob H
Elite Nomad
Posts: 5867
Registered: 8-19-2003
Location: San Diego
Member Is Offline
|
|
One of my favorites, that made me chuckle out loud, was #26
The SAME boiling water that softens the potato hardens the egg. It's about what you are made of NOT the circumstance.
|
|
|
bacquito
Super Nomad
Posts: 1615
Registered: 3-6-2007
Member Is Offline
Mood: jubilado
|
|
Great, no wonder I have problems curing my hemorrhoids I actually have assteroids!! Thanks for the post, enjoyed
bacquito
|
|
|
watizname
Senior Nomad
Posts: 773
Registered: 8-7-2009
Member Is Offline
|
|
ASSTEROIDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Yer killin me.
I yam what I yam and that\'s all what I yam.
|
|
|
capt. mike
Elite Nomad
Posts: 8085
Registered: 11-26-2002
Location: Bat Cave
Member Is Offline
Mood: Sling time!
|
|
steven Wright?
formerly Ordained in Rev. Ewing\'s Church by Mail - busted on tax fraud.......
Now joined L. Ron Hoover\'s church of Appliantology
\"Remember there is a big difference between kneeling down and bending over....\"
www.facebook.com/michael.l.goering |
|
|
Bruce R Leech
Elite Nomad
Posts: 6796
Registered: 9-20-2004
Location: Ensenada formerly Mulege
Member Is Offline
Mood: A lot cooler than Mulege
|
|
| Quote: | Originally posted by Islandbuilder
Thanks Bob, you have made me popular (for a day) on FaceBook! |
me to
Bruce R Leech
Ensenada
 |
|
|
Iflyfish
Ultra Nomad
Posts: 3747
Registered: 10-17-2006
Member Is Offline
|
|
Thigh slappin' good!! WTG amigo!
Iflyfishwithirony
|
|
|
![[*]](images/xmbforum/default_icon.gif){kind=icon}
