Osprey
Ultra Nomad
Posts: 3694
Registered: 5-23-2004
Location: Baja Ca. Sur
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The very private list
I posted this long piece 7 years ago and got some interesting feedback from people active on the board at that time. Hope the new members enjoy it
like they did.
The Very Private List
Or
Dark and Dangerous Baja Sex
Sometimes I think I’m making love to a mermaid. I’m a gringo, my live-in lady, I call her my wife, Alicia, is Mexican. We’ve been together for four
months and eight days now and we are in dire need of a bedroom translator-monitor. We’ve both gone about as far as language is gonna take us without
some videos, schooling or cult weekends in the Barbados. I met Alicia through Ed Burman’s Mexican wife, Yadira who is Alicia’s cousin. Ed and Yadira
have been married for almost two years and have been hoping, patiently waiting for Alicia and me to commit and ask them to stand up for us at the
church.
All four of us have been married before. Ed and Alicia and I are all divorced, Yadira is a widow. We’re no spring chickens. We all have grown
kids; I’m 61, Alicia is 48, Ed is about my age and Yadira is only 37. Burman has a lot more retirement money than I do. Bought a small car for his
wife, they travel a lot more than I can. Ed’s boat is a lot bigger than mine. We fish together whenever the weather allows and the bite is on.
Yesterday I went by his place, caught him out in the yard where we could talk by ourselves and I asked him to meet me on the beach down by Rocky
Point about three in the afternoon. He was right on time, brought his casting rod and a few beers. Once we had switched to bait, once the rods were
in the holders, we were in our chairs, beers in hand I got up the nerve to ask “the favor.”
“Ed, I need some help. Alicia and I are doin’ just fine, gettin’ along pretty well but I’ve been wondering if we’re both finding all the fulfillment
we can get out of our relationship. This kinda talk is not easy for me so bear with me. We talk, we have conversations, the kind you might expect
from a mixed marriage but we are both conservative types and don’t talk much about intimate things. As a result I wonder all the time if I’m really
pleasing her in the bedroom. So far our sexual relations style could be called Missionary. I wonder if our intimacy is too narrow in scope. We just
don’t have enough language, either one of us to get into that sort of thing so I was thinking maybe you could explain my questions to Yadira, she
could talk to Ali and we could get some kind of guidelines drawn up.”
“Well, Carl, all I can do is ask her. They see each other two or three times a week, they talk on the phone, they go shopping together so you might
say they are as close as sisters. I can’t think of any reason Yadira wouldn’t want to help. I think it’s a good idea. Give me your questions and
I’ll give em’ to Yadira.”
I said “Thanks, Ed, I was hoping you would agree. Should be easy. I wrote down a short list of the things on my mind. My scribbling is poor so
I’ll read em’ so there’s no misunderstanding. And Ed, also, just so there’s no mis-steps here please don’t talk to Alicia directly, only through your
wife – that way the translation will be a given we can all work with.”
“First one on the list is How about sex during the day? I don’t think I have to elaborate on that one.
Next would be How about some innocent sexual activity in the shower? Now you’re gonna have to be real careful about this one. Mexicans don’t seem
to have a word for shower. They use the word baño for bath, toilet, bathroom, bathing, everything. You could unintentionally get me into trouble if
you don’t make that clear to Yadira. Maybe wouldn’t hurt to actually walk her into the bathroom, get in the shower with her.
Next one is How about oral sex? Ed, that could be two questions. Just work it out with Yadira the best you can.
Last but not least would be How many times a week or month would be just about right?”
While we were at Rocky Point I caught a pufferfish and Ed got a tiny surf perch. I drove home wondering if that might be an omen for poor results on
my little experiment. I didn’t mention anything to Alicia about the meeting and over the next few days I gave her some quiet space just in case. I
saw no change that told me she had discussed the list with Yadira and I was damned anxious for the call from Ed.
When he did call, it was right back to Rocky Point, this time with a few very cold beers and some frozen squid for pargo or pompano.
After we got settled in he said “They went to lunch after they shopped Tuesday in San Jose. They went over your list and when Yadira got home she
told me what Alicia said, read me her short Spanish chicken scratch reminders. I know you’ve been waiting and wondering so I’ll get right into it.”
“First off, The during the day thing. I can’t read much of what Yadira wrote but I remember what she said. Pretty much the day thing is alright but
there are a couple problems that have to be worked out. She, Alicia, needs to know what time. She says she has the washing and cleaning and cooking
and shopping and picking up and the garbage and watering. She says she needs more privacy. There is no door from the bedroom to the kitchen. She
wants a door. She says the curtains in the bedroom need to be black or darker. She says her cousin knows a place in San Jose where they have good,
dark, cheap material for curtains. She says she and her cousin can make the curtains. Yadira says she will help. You can use our machine. That’s
me saying you can use our sewing machine.”
“Ed, her cousin, that’s Yadira right, your wife, Yadira? Am I reading you right?”
“Yeah, that’s just the way Yadira put it, wrote it down. Now, you want me to keep going?”
“Damn right, keep going.”
“Okay, number two is In the shower. She says peligroso, dangerous. She thinks you might get hurt. You could fall. She could fall. In the shower.
In the dark.”
“Ed, what’s with the dark? Why does it always have to be dark? Why dark?”
“You’re asking the wrong person here hombre. I’m just reading what’s on the paper.”
“Okay, give me the rest.”
“Number three is The oral sex. She says not so much.”
“Not so much? Not so much? What the hell does that mean? Does that mean NO? Does it mean just a little? Ed, what is she saying?”
“Some of this stuff, Carl, you’re just gonna have to read between the lines. That’s all Yadira would say about it. Under that one I wrote down her
long explanation of a problem Alicia wants you to work on in the kitchen. She says there is an awful smell coming from the sink drain. You must have
a clogged vent. Maybe no vent at all. I can help you with that. We just punch a hole in the wall behind the sink with my hammer-drill, run a PVC
vent pipe up by the roof. You won’t even see the pipe because of that big guaymuchil tree back there.”
“Ed, the list, my precious list is getting away from me. That stuff wasn’t on the list. It’s my list, not her list……”
“Carl, don’t shoot the messenger. Let me give you this last one then you can go home, have a solid place to put your feet when you both talk these
things out like loving adults.”
“Number four is How many times a week or a month would be just about right? She’s not real clear here. She says days or nights? She says day and
night is no good. She says she’s too tired. She says she needs time to sleep, cook, clean, etc, etc. She says she needs a car like Yadira’s. She
says she doesn’t feel right always needing others to help her go to the doctor, shopping, visiting sick relatives, going to the DIF meetings. She
says she had her own license, drove her husband, Inocencio’s big truck.……”
As I drove home I wasn’t thinking so much about Alicia and the bedroom. I found myself thinking about my dad. He was a rough old bird but if he
were still alive, here beside me in the old truck I think I know what advice he would be giving me.
He’d say “Carl, you coulda’ done all the things she wants without her asking. The door, the curtains, the car would have brought her to you with
well-won sexual favors you can’t even conceive. You’re not being cheated or conned boy. If you give a dance, you gotta pay the band. Suck it up, do
the right thing or you’ll have to settle for a quickie during the next Baja eclipse. When is the next one anyway?”
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bkbend
Senior Nomad
Posts: 693
Registered: 11-27-2003
Location: central OR or central baja
Member Is Offline
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Thanks! Still good the second time around.
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pauldavidmena
Super Nomad
Posts: 1712
Registered: 5-23-2013
Location: Centerville, MA, USA
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The next total lunar eclipse, by the way, is September 28th of this year. Rest up! 
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bajabuddha
Banned
Posts: 4024
Registered: 4-12-2013
Location: Baja New Mexico
Member Is Offline
Mood: Always cranky unless medicated
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What comes to mind is the word, "INFREQUENTLY".... is it one word, or two? 
I don't have a BUCKET LIST, but I do have a F***- IT LIST a mile long!
86 - 45*
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MMc
Super Nomad
Posts: 1679
Registered: 6-29-2011
Member Is Offline
Mood: Current
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Thanks for the re post. I was good then and now.
"Never teach a pig to sing it frustrates you and annoys the pig" - W.C.Fields
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