| Pages:
1
2
3
4
..
8 |
landyacht318
Nomad
Posts: 247
Registered: 7-28-2007
Member Is Offline
|
|
LIVING WILL
Last night my sister and I were sitting in the den and I said to her, 'I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and
fluids from a bottle to keep me alive. That would be no quality of life at all, If that ever happens, just
pull the plug.'
So she got up, unplugged the computer, and threw out my wine.
She's such a b-tch.
|
|
|
rzitren
Junior Nomad
Posts: 82
Registered: 2-15-2009
Member Is Offline
|
|
Two men are driving late at night when the driver falls asleep and they hit a tree and are killed instantly. Their souls drift up to the gates of
heaven and as they are about to enter, Saint Peter stops them and tells them there is only room for one of them in heaven. He explains one of them
will have to back to the accident and continue his life. To make if fair, Saint Peter picks the word Timbuktu and tells them to think up a rhyme. The
first man's rhyme is
On across the burning sands
Goes a desert caravan
City lights came into view
Destination, Timbuktu
As Saint Peter was getting ready to send the first man back to earth, the second man recited his rhyme.
Tim and I, a walk we went
Spied three maidens in a tent
They were three and we but two
so I bucked one and Timbuktu
|
|
|
landyacht318
Nomad
Posts: 247
Registered: 7-28-2007
Member Is Offline
|
|
After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch
my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and
give it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted
the same young woman standing waist deep in the murky water, shotgun in hand.
As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the
creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in
silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.
Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....
'CRAP! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!
|
|
|
irenemm
Senior Nomad
Posts: 623
Registered: 7-16-2009
Location: vicente guerrero, baja
Member Is Offline
Mood: relaxed
|
|
fishabductor
city slickers with billy crystal
a great movie i think that is the one
|
|
|
k-rico
Super Nomad
Posts: 2079
Registered: 7-10-2008
Location: Playas de Tijuana
Member Is Offline
|
|
a bear walks into a bar and orders a beer
the bartender says "we don't serve bears beer in this bar"
the bear gets mad and demands a beer
the bartender yells "WE DON'T SERVE BEARS BEER IN THIS BAR"
at the end of the bar is a sleazy babe with a short skirt, revealing blouse, smoking a cigarette and drinking a martini.
the bear demands a beer
the bartender yells "WE DON'T SERVE BEARS BEER IN THIS BAR"
with that the bear storms to the end of the bar, throws the sleazy babe on the floor and devours her. It's a ghastly sight.
the bear demands a beer
the bartender yells "WE DON'T SERVE BEARS BEER IN THIS BAR AND WE DON'T LIKE THEM DOING DRUGS EITHER"
the bear says "drugs? what are you talking about?
the bartender says "what about that bar b-tch you ate".
sorry, but it's a fun joke to tell, a bit of a tongue twister.
[Edited on 8-30-2010 by k-rico]
|
|
|
briantroy
Nomad
Posts: 198
Registered: 5-25-2004
Location: San Diego, CA
Member Is Offline
|
|
Grasshopper walks into a bar. Bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you." Grasshopper says "What? You have a drink named Steve?"
|
|
|
Baja&Back
Senior Nomad
Posts: 549
Registered: 9-10-2004
Location: Vancouver, Canada / todo de Baja
Member Is Offline
Mood: Rarin' to go South!
|
|
Guy walks into a bar ...
Ouch, that hurt.
|
|
|
vandenberg
Elite Nomad
Posts: 5118
Registered: 6-21-2005
Location: Nopolo
Member Is Offline
Mood: mellow
|
|
Some humor from an upstart low cost airline in South Africa.
------------ --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --------- --
On a Kulula flight, (there is no assigned seating, you sit where you want)
passengers were apparently having a hard time choosing, when a
flight attendant announced, "People, people we're not picking out
furniture here, find a seat and get in it!"
---o0o---
On another flight with a very "senior" flight attendant crew, the pilot
said, "Ladies and gentlemen, we've reached cruising altitude and will be
turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance
the appearance of your flight attendants."
----o0o---
"Thank you for flying Kulula. We hope you enjoyed giving us the business
as much as we enjoyed taking you for a ride."
---o0o---
From a Kulula employee: " Welcome aboard Kulula 271 to Port Elizabeth .
To operate your seat belt, insert the metal tab into the buckle, and
pull tight. It works just like every other seat belt; and, if you don't
know how to operate one, you probably shouldn't be out in public
unsupervised."
---o0o---
"Your seats cushions can be used for flotation; and in the event of an
emergency water landing, please paddle to shore and take them with our
compliments."
---o0o---
"As you exit the plane, make sure to gather all of your belongings.
Anything left behind will be distributed evenly among the flight
attendants. Please do not leave children or spouses.."
---o0o---
And from the pilot during his welcome message: "Kulula Airlines is
pleased to announce that we have some of the best flight attendants in
the industry. Unfortunately, none of them are on this flight!"
---o0o---
Another flight attendant's comment on a less than perfect landing:
"We ask you to please remain seated as Captain Kangaroo bounces us to
the terminal."
---o0o---
Part of a flight attendant's arrival announcement: "We'd like to thank
you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the
insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal
tube, we hope you'll think of Kulula Airways."
|
|
|
backninedan
Senior Nomad
Posts: 865
Registered: 3-8-2003
Location: Loreto
Member Is Offline
|
|
Horse walks into a bar, bartender says..... why the long face?
|
|
|
toneart
Ultra Nomad
Posts: 4901
Registered: 7-23-2006
Member Is Offline
Mood: Skeptical
|
|
Willie Nelson told this on on Larry King last week:
A woman walks into the golf pro shop and says, "While playing golf, I was stung by a bee. Do you have anything for that?"
The golf pro asked, "Where were you stung?"
The woman replied, "Between the first and second hole."
The golf pro says, "Well Lady, your stance is too wide."
|
|
|
RonnieRockCod
Junior Nomad
Posts: 48
Registered: 6-28-2004
Location: San Doego
Member Is Offline
|
|
PC jokes
I surrender. RRC
|
|
|
landyacht318
Nomad
Posts: 247
Registered: 7-28-2007
Member Is Offline
|
|
Two redneck farmers, Jim & Bob, are sitting at their favorite bar drinking beer.
Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go the the community college, and
sign up for some classes."
Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.
The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets the Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the for basic classes: Math, English, History and
Logic.
"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"
The Dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?'
"Yeah"
"Logically speaking, because you own a weed eater, I think that you would have a yard."
"That's true; I do have a yard."
"Because you have a yard, I think logically that you have a house."
"Yes I do have a house"
"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family"
"Yes, I have a family."
"Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife. Because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be heterosexual."
"I am a hetrosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed eater."
Excited to the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand & leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about the classes, how he is signed up for
Math, English, History and Logic.
"Logic?" Bob says. "What's that?"
Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a weed eater?"
"No" says Bob
"Then your're a queer.
|
|
|
bent-rim
Nomad
Posts: 294
Registered: 7-31-2007
Location: Marin County
Member Is Offline
Mood: Living la vida mota
|
|
There was this guy who had ben ship wrecked on Isla San Esteban. He was walking down the beach one day when he encounters a beautiful woman washed
ashore. They start talking and she asks him how long he'd been there. He tells her since he was 10 years old. She says "That's a long time, what do
you do for sex?" He asks "What's sex?" She proceeds to show him and asks him how he liked it. He says "That was great, but look what it did to my
clam digger."
|
|
|
BajaBlanca
Select Nomad
Posts: 13195
Registered: 10-28-2008
Location: La Bocana, BCS
Member Is Offline
|
|
keep 'em coming .... way to start the day !!! some of these had me roaring !! even when you re- hear them, if it is a good one, it still counts !!
|
|
|
vgabndo
Ultra Nomad
Posts: 3461
Registered: 12-8-2003
Location: Mt. Shasta, CA
Member Is Offline
Mood: Checking-off my bucket list.
|
|
This'll cause trouble, but I have one to make up for it.
A beautiful blonde woman boards a plane to Cabo, and pops- down herself and all her carry-ons in first class. Shortly the cabin crew learns she has a
ticket for coach. They ask her to move and she says: "I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to Cabo to get a tan." No argument that any flight
attendent makes will budge her. "I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to Cabo to get a tan." Finally the Second Officer steps off the flight deck
and whispers in her ear and she quickly assembles her belongings and rushes to the rear.
Once airborne, the attendent asks the co-pilot what he told her, and he says: "First class is going to Denver, only coach is going to Cabo."
OK, one to break even with the sacred feminine...
A Rolls Royce quickly stops, double parked, in front of a Manhattan Bank, and a beautiful blonde wearing very expensive clothes rushes in. "I need to
borrow $3500.00 right away." she says. The young loan officer is anxious to help, "We'll need some collatoral" he says. "Take my Rolls" she insists.
With a check in hand she rushes out and hails a cab. Three weeks later she returns with the check and tells banker she wants to pay off her loan. The
young officer prints out the paperwork, and says "You're returning the check, and the interest and costs are just $27.00" I'll have your car brought
around. But, he says, I've done some checking on you and there is no way you are in need of so small a sum as 3500 dollars, may I ask, why did you
borrow it. She rises, turning on a spiked heel and over her shoulder says: "How else could I park a car with perfect security, for three weeks in
Manhattan for $27.00."
[Edited on 8-31-2010 by vgabndo]
Undoubtedly, there are people who cannot afford to give the anchor of sanity even the slightest tug. Sam Harris
"The situation is far too dire for pessimism."
Bill Kauth
Carl Sagan said, "We are a way for the cosmos to know itself."
PEACE, LOVE AND FISH TACOS
|
|
|
DanO
Super Nomad
Posts: 1923
Registered: 8-26-2003
Location: Not far from the Pacific
Member Is Offline
|
|
| Quote: | Originally posted by toneart
Willie Nelson told this on on Larry King last week:
A woman walks into the golf pro shop and says, "While playing golf, I was stung by a bee. Do you have anything for that?"
The golf pro asked, "Where were you stung?"
The woman replied, "Between the first and second hole."
The golf pro says, "Well Lady, your stance is too wide." |
Best. Golf. Joke. Ever.
\"Without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible.\" -- Frank Zappa
|
|
|
DENNIS
Platinum Nomad
Posts: 29510
Registered: 9-2-2006
Location: Punta Banda
Member Is Offline
|
|
OK....I had this up in OT, but since it's comedy time and bad taste isn't important here, I'll add this:
-----------
I just applied for a building permit for a new house.
It is going to be 100 ft tall and 400 ft wide with 9 turrets at various heights and windows all over the place and a loud outside entertainment sound
system. It will have parking for 200 cars and I am going to paint it snot green with pink trim.
The City Council told me to go to hell.
So I sent in the application again, but this time I called it a mosque.
Work starts on Monday.
|
|
|
DENNIS
Platinum Nomad
Posts: 29510
Registered: 9-2-2006
Location: Punta Banda
Member Is Offline
|
|
Wait a minute. I don't hear any hysterical laughter. What's the matter? 
|
|
|
DanO
Super Nomad
Posts: 1923
Registered: 8-26-2003
Location: Not far from the Pacific
Member Is Offline
|
|
I haven't seen any Polish jokes. Here's a starter:
A man walks into a bar and orders a glass of Polish vodka. As the bartender slides the drink to the patron, a man sitting next to him remarks,
"that's a coincidence. I too am enjoying a Polish vodka. Since I arrived from the old country, this is the only bar in which I have found it."
To which the first replies, "old country, I'm from the old country. Let me buy you another!"
As the drinks are being poured, one of the men asks, "what part of the old country are you from?"
"Krakow," replies the other. "This is weird," says the first, "I too am from Krakow! Let's get another shot."
After the new round arrives, the first asks, "so, pal, what did you do back in Krakow?'
"Not much, really, I came here right out of high school. I graduated from Lech Walesa Technical Academy in '81."
"This is eerie," replies the other, "I'm Walesa Tech, '81 also. Let's get another shot!" But the bartender says, "slow down fellas, I gotta make a
call."
The bartender calls his wife and tells her that he'll be late getting home. When she inquires as to the cause, he replies, "oh, the friggin'
Liszjewski twins are here again."
\"Without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible.\" -- Frank Zappa
|
|
|
DanO
Super Nomad
Posts: 1923
Registered: 8-26-2003
Location: Not far from the Pacific
Member Is Offline
|
|
A two-fer:
Two Polacks are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away.
Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away.
This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away. He replies, "Those ones were
pointed on the wrong end." The buddy gets exasperated and says "You idiot, those are for the other side of the house!"
\"Without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible.\" -- Frank Zappa
|
|
|
| Pages:
1
2
3
4
..
8 |
![[*]](images/xmbforum/default_icon.gif){kind=icon}
