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DanO
Super Nomad
Posts: 1923
Registered: 8-26-2003
Location: Not far from the Pacific
Member Is Offline
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Hat trick:
Two Polish men rent a boat and go fishing on a lake. They are amazed at the number of fish they catch. One says to the other, "We'll have to come
back here tomorrow!" The other asks, "But how will we remember where this spot is?"
The first guy then takes a can of spray paint, paints an X on the bottom of the boat, and says, "We'll just look for this X tomorrow." The other guy
says, "You idiot! How do you know we'll get the same boat?"
\"Without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible.\" -- Frank Zappa
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vgabndo
Ultra Nomad
Posts: 3461
Registered: 12-8-2003
Location: Mt. Shasta, CA
Member Is Offline
Mood: Checking-off my bucket list.
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There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large, trouble making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one
swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I
found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener,
and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve.
Then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me, how's your day going?"
Undoubtedly, there are people who cannot afford to give the anchor of sanity even the slightest tug. Sam Harris
"The situation is far too dire for pessimism."
Bill Kauth
Carl Sagan said, "We are a way for the cosmos to know itself."
PEACE, LOVE AND FISH TACOS
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Cypress
Elite Nomad
Posts: 7641
Registered: 3-12-2006
Location: on the bayou
Member Is Offline
Mood: undecided
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A blonde teen, wanting to earn some money for the summer, decided to hire herself out as a "handy-women" and started canvassing a nearby well to-do
neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, I guess I could us somebody to paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?" Delighted, the girl quickly responded, "How about,
$50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint brushes and everything she needed was in the garage.
The man laughed as he told his wife "She's doesn't realize our porch goes all the way around the house."
His wife responded, "that's a bit cynical isn't it"? And added "Guess I'm starting to believe all those dumb blonde joked we've been getting by email
lately..."
Later that day, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the startled husband asked.
"Yes, the blonde replied, and I even had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed her a $10 tip.
Thank you!! she said, "And by the way, the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
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boe4fun
Super Nomad
Posts: 1040
Registered: 1-22-2006
Location: Margaritaville
Member Is Offline
Mood: Circling the drain........
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A baby seal walks into a club......
Two dirt roads diverged in Baja and I, I took the one less graveled by......
Soy ignorante, apático y ambivalente. No lo sé y no me importa, ni modo.
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DENNIS
Platinum Nomad
Posts: 29510
Registered: 9-2-2006
Location: Punta Banda
Member Is Offline
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There I was is sitting at the bar staring at my drink when a large,
trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink and gulps it down in one swig.
"Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can`t stand to see a man crying."
"This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure.
I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been
stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my old lady in bed with the gardener and then my dog bit me."
"So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all, I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve;
Then you, you jack-ass, show up and drink the whole thing!
But enough about me, how's your day going?"
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Skipjack Joe
Elite Nomad
Posts: 8084
Registered: 7-12-2004
Location: Bahia Asuncion
Member Is Offline
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What are the similiarities between a priest attending church and a woman taking a shower?
One has hope in his soul and the other has soap in her hole.
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k-rico
Super Nomad
Posts: 2079
Registered: 7-10-2008
Location: Playas de Tijuana
Member Is Offline
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An Indian teenager walks into a bordello and says to the madam:
"Me wantum woman."
The madam asks him if this is first time.
"You betchum, me wantum woman"
The madam tells him to go out in the woods, find a tree with a knothole at the right height and practice.
The Indian buck comes back the next day and says:
"Me wantum woman"
The madam asks if he practiced like she told him to do.
"You betchum, me wantum woman."
She say "OK up the stairs, first door on the right."
The horny young buck goes upstairs to the room and tells the gal to stand up facing the wall, she does so.
He runs across the room and kicks her hard in the butt.
"Ouch, why did you do that?"
"Me checkum for bees."
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Martyman
Super Nomad
Posts: 1904
Registered: 9-10-2004
Member Is Offline
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At the astronaut convention the Russian was bragging "we were the first to put a man in space". The American says "that's nuthin' we went to the
moon" The Polock astronaut says "so..we are going to the sun" The other conventioneers are telling him "what are you crazy, you'll melt or burn
before you get close".
The Polock says "that's where you are wrong my friends...we are going at night!"
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vgabndo
Ultra Nomad
Posts: 3461
Registered: 12-8-2003
Location: Mt. Shasta, CA
Member Is Offline
Mood: Checking-off my bucket list.
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Hey Dennis...you copying my posts to increase your post count???
Undoubtedly, there are people who cannot afford to give the anchor of sanity even the slightest tug. Sam Harris
"The situation is far too dire for pessimism."
Bill Kauth
Carl Sagan said, "We are a way for the cosmos to know itself."
PEACE, LOVE AND FISH TACOS
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vandenberg
Elite Nomad
Posts: 5118
Registered: 6-21-2005
Location: Nopolo
Member Is Offline
Mood: mellow
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Blind guy is trying to cross the street. His seeing eye dog starts him off the sidewalk into traffic and the guy almost gets killed. Back on the
sidewalk, an astonished passerby watches the guy take a doggie treat out of his pocket and hold it out to the dog. "Sir" he says," that animal almost
got you killed and you're rewarding him ?"
"No" the blind guy replies. " I just finding out which end his head is on, so I can kick him in the *ss"
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DENNIS
Platinum Nomad
Posts: 29510
Registered: 9-2-2006
Location: Punta Banda
Member Is Offline
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| Quote: | Originally posted by vgabndo
Hey Dennis...you copying my posts to increase your post count??? |
Oh No....Did I rip you off, Perry? I got into this thread late and didn't read the whole thing.
Sorry....I'll be more careful. 
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dtbushpilot
Ultra Nomad
Posts: 3288
Registered: 1-11-2007
Location: Buena Vista BCS
Member Is Offline
Mood: Tranquilo
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In the small Midwest town the preacher had a stud bull and a rancher needed 2 of his cows serviced, a black cow and a white cow, so he called the
preacher and asked him to bring his bull to his ranch.
As it was a Saturday, the preacher brought his wife and they figured to have a nice visit with the family while the bull did his business.
The rancher told his son Johnny to watch while the bull did his job and let him know how it was going.
The rancher, his wife, the preacher and his wife were having tea when Johnny walked in and loudly proclaimed " the bull fu#%ed that black cow.....
Embarrassed beyond belief the rancher takes Johnny outside and says "don't say something like that, especially in front of the preacher and his wife,
use a different word....something like "surprised" yea, that's it, say surprised.....now go out there and make sure the bull finishes his job.
After a bit Johnny comes back in and proclaimed "the bull "surprised the white cow"..........he fu#%ed that black cow again........dt
"Life is tough".....It's even tougher if you're stupid.....
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wessongroup
Platinum Nomad
Posts: 21152
Registered: 8-9-2009
Location: Mission Viejo
Member Is Offline
Mood: Suicide Hot line ... please hold
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Why women shouldn't take men shopping
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Walmart. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to
get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from
the local Walmart which I had translated...
Dear Mrs. Wesson,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of
you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1.April 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2.May 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3.May 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4.May 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave
her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and
costing the company money.
5.June 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6.June 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7.June 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from
the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8.June 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.
9.July 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10.July 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11.Aug 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12.Aug 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13.Aug 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14.Aug 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but certainly not least:
15.Aug 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks
passed out.
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BillP
Nomad
Posts: 420
Registered: 1-28-2010
Location: Lake Havasu City, AZ
Member Is Offline
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One of the all time classics
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A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young
idealistic liberal ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.
"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man.. Is something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."
"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but
when was the last time you had sex?"
"1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out and relax! I mean, no sex since 1955! Come with me."
She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his grizzled bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
(Gotta love military time)
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oxxo
Banned
Posts: 2347
Registered: 5-17-2006
Location: Wherever I am, I'm there
Member Is Offline
Mood: If I was feeling any better, I'd be twins!
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Two ladies are walking their dogs. It was a hot day and they decided to step into a bar for a nice cool drink. "But we can't just leave the dogs
outside in the hot sun, and they won't let us bring dogs into a bar!" says one.
"No problem, just follow my lead," says the other. And she puts on some shades and strides into the bar with her golden retriever in tow. "Sorry,
ma'am, no dogs allowed in the bar", says the bartender. "Oh, he is my guide dog!", she replies. "Oh well then thats OK, come on in", he replies.
Seeing how smoothly it went for the first woman, the second puts on some shades and strides into the bar with her dog in tow. "Sorry, ma'am, no dogs
permitted in the bar", the bartender says again. "Oh but he is my guide dog!", she says.
"Ma'am, I find it very hard to believe that that little chihuahua is a guide dog!", says the bartender.
"A chihuahua? They gave me a damn chihuahua!?" she cries.
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Cypress
Elite Nomad
Posts: 7641
Registered: 3-12-2006
Location: on the bayou
Member Is Offline
Mood: undecided
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A lawyer was sitting next to a senior citizen on a long flight and to pass the time decided to see if he could have some fun with the older guy, who
was trying to sleep. The lawyer nudged him and asked if he'd like to play a betting game. He explained , "I'll ask you a question and if you can't
give me the correct answer you'll give me $5.00. You ask me a question and if I can't answer it I'll give you $500.00." The old guy agreed. He asked
the first question. 'What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes down the hill on 4 legs?" The lawyer went to work on his computer, called friends etc.
and could not find the answer. He gave the older guy $500.00. Now it was the lawyers turn to ask the question. He asked the old guy the same question.
The old guy reached into his pocket, pulled out a $5.00 bill, gave it to the lawyer and went back to sleep.
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BillP
Nomad
Posts: 420
Registered: 1-28-2010
Location: Lake Havasu City, AZ
Member Is Offline
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A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriffs Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a
better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputies expense.
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "You didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign"
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is you have to come to a complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration and you give me the
ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket."
Deputy says, "Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving snot out of the lawyer and says "Do you want me to stop or just
slow down?"
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bent-rim
Nomad
Posts: 294
Registered: 7-31-2007
Location: Marin County
Member Is Offline
Mood: Living la vida mota
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This is a true story, but it's still funny..President Calvin Coolidge and his wife were taking a tour of a ranch. The rancher was showing off his
prize bull. Mrs Coolidge asks the rancher how many times the bull can perform in a day. The rancher tells her at least 10 times a day. "Did you
hear that Mr. President?" She asks her husband. Without missing a beat, he looks at the rancher and asks "Same cow?"
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Neal Johns
Super Nomad
Posts: 1687
Registered: 10-31-2002
Location: Lytle Creek, CA
Member Is Offline
Mood: In love!
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wessongroup,
You win! I'm on my way to Walmart, Walmart, Walmart!
My motto:
Never let a Dragon pass by without pulling its tail!
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Neal Johns
Super Nomad
Posts: 1687
Registered: 10-31-2002
Location: Lytle Creek, CA
Member Is Offline
Mood: In love!
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For all you Toyota guys:
You all know about Maximum Torque and Horsepower and all that stuff from reading DK's posts; but do you really know what the technical definition of
Maximum Torque is?
Maximum Torque is:
When you wake up in the morning with a big Woodie and push it down to hit the stool, your feet fly out from under you backwards. That's Maximum
Torque
My motto:
Never let a Dragon pass by without pulling its tail!
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