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Dave
Elite Nomad
Posts: 6005
Registered: 11-5-2002
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The Jewish Beach
A grandmother is sunbathing on her towel on a deserted south Florida beach, when a man of approximate age spreads his towel out near hers and opens a
book. She takes notice of him and strikes up a conversation:
"How are you today?"
"Fine, thank you"...he returns to his book.
"I love this beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.
"First time since my wife passed away 2yrs ago"...he returns to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away 3yrs ago and it's very lonely. Do you live around here?" she asked.
"Yes, I live in Coral Springs." once again he resumes reading.
Desperate for a common topic of interest, she asks, "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that the man dropped his book, moved over to her blanket and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life.
When the cloud of sand had finally settled she gasped, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
He replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
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Cypress
Elite Nomad
Posts: 7641
Registered: 3-12-2006
Location: on the bayou
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Mood: undecided
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Dave, That's choice!
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dtutko1
Nomad
Posts: 341
Registered: 8-26-2009
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The young 24 yr/old man is thinking about his upcoming wedding and whether he's ready for the life long committment to his new wife when the phone
rings. It's his future sister-in-law and she wants him to come over and look at the wedding invitations before they are sent out. He complie and goes
over to his future in-laws house where the future sister-in-law meets him at the door. They start looking at the invitations and he notices that she
not wearing a bra and she is bending over to show her breasts. She then tells him that she has always wanted him sexually and knows he feels the same,
and that before he commits to his sister for the rest of their lives, they should go upstairs for one roll in thr hay. She goes upstairs and at the
top stair takes off her short pants and proceeds to her bedroom. Without any delay he runs to the door springs it open and runs outside where all of
his in=laws are standing on the lawn. His future father-in-law approaches and embraces him, and says congratulations on passing the test and welcome
to the family.
The morel to the story is to ALWAYS keep your condoms in the car.
Dorado Don
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wessongroup
Platinum Nomad
Posts: 21152
Registered: 8-9-2009
Location: Mission Viejo
Member Is Offline
Mood: Suicide Hot line ... please hold
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Pompano
Elite Nomad
Posts: 8194
Registered: 11-14-2004
Location: Bay of Conception and Up North
Member Is Offline
Mood: Optimistic
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Two North Dakotans come into a bar and they buy drinks for everybody in the place. They were celebrating and whooping it up, slapping everybody on the
back. So the bartender says, "What are you whooping it up for? What's the occasion?"
They said, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle and it only took us two months!"
The bartender said, "Two months! What's the big deal? It shouldn't take that long to do a jigsaw puzzle!"
"Oh yeah?" says one of the North Dakotans. "On the box it said 2 to 4 years!"
I do what the voices in my tackle box tell me.
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DENNIS
Platinum Nomad
Posts: 29510
Registered: 9-2-2006
Location: Punta Banda
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There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and
Afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad.
The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.
The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"
The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."
He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz."
THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
Someone may come along and promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling any better.
The End
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Marinero
Nomad
Posts: 419
Registered: 11-4-2003
Location: Los Barriles, BCS
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| Quote: | Originally posted by DENNIS
There's an old sea story about a ship's Captain who inspected his sailors, and
Afterward told the first mate that his men smelled bad.
The Captain suggested perhaps it would help if the sailors would change underwear occasionally.
The first mate responded, "Aye, aye sir, I'll see to it immediately!"
The first mate went straight to the sailors berth deck and announced, "The Captain thinks you guys smell bad and wants you to change your underwear."
He continued, "Pittman, you change with Jones, McCarthy, you change with Witkowski, and Brown, you change with Schultz."
THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
Someone may come along and promise "Change", but don't count on things smelling any better.
The End |
Si estás buscando la person que cambiará su vida, échale una mirada en el espejo.
Fish logo from www.usafishing.com, used w/permission.
But Oz never did give nothing to the Tin Man
That he didn't, didn't already have..... |
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Pompano
Elite Nomad
Posts: 8194
Registered: 11-14-2004
Location: Bay of Conception and Up North
Member Is Offline
Mood: Optimistic
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I can't take this anymore!!
The Bridge
The Bridge
A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said,
'Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish.'
The biker pulled over and said,
'Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride over anytime I want.'
God replied, 'Your request is materialistic;
think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking;
the supports required reaching the bottom of the Pacific
and the concrete and steel it would take!
I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things.
Take a little more time and think of something that could possibly help man kind.'
The biker thought about it for a long time.
Finally, he said, 'God, I wish that I , and all men, could understand women;
I want to know how she feels inside,
what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment,
why she cries, what she means when she says nothing's wrong,
why she snaps and complains when I try to help,
and how I can make a woman truly happy.'
God replied: "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
I do what the voices in my tackle box tell me.
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BajaSerg
Nomad
Posts: 182
Registered: 3-31-2008
Location: Los Angels/Rosarito
Member Is Offline
Mood: Happy
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An older couple goes to the Doctor. He asks the husband if sex is
still good, and if he has any questions.
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After having sex with my wife I am
usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sixx with her the second
time, I am usually cold and chilly?"
Surprised he can still do it twice, the Doc then sees the wife. After
examining the elderly wife, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be
fine. Do you have any medical! Concern’s that you would like to
discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or
concerns.
The doctor then said to her: "Your husband has an unusual concern. He
claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex with you the
first time, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you
know why?"
"Crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is
usually in July and the second time is in December!"
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burnrope
Nomad
Posts: 214
Registered: 10-24-2006
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A pirate goes into a bar. He has a ship's wheel hanging off the front of his pants. The bartender asks, "What's with the ship's wheel on the front
off your pants?"
The pirate answers, "Arrr, it's driving me nuts."
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wilderone
Ultra Nomad
Posts: 3815
Registered: 2-9-2004
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A dyslexic man walks into a bra . . . .
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woody with a view
PITA Nomad
Posts: 15939
Registered: 11-8-2004
Location: Looking at the Coronado Islands
Member Is Offline
Mood: Everchangin'
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| Quote: | Originally posted by wilderone
A dyslexic man walks into a bra . . . . |
.... "ahh, i see!" said the blind man.
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durrelllrobert
Elite Nomad
Posts: 7393
Registered: 11-22-2007
Location: Punta Banda BC
Member Is Offline
Mood: thriving in Baja
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I read in the San Diego Union Tribune that a penguin had escaped from the zoo. Apperently it stole a cadilac from the parking lot and headed towards
Las Vegas.
Somewhere out in the desert the transmission started to slip and he took the next off-ramp and sure enough there was a transmission shop right there
and the mechanic said he would crawl under the car and take a look.
When the penguin stepped out of the car it was so hot he thought he would die, but then he spotted an ice cream shop next door and ordered the biggest
cone they had.
As he started back to the garage the sun was melting his cone faster then he culd eat it and it got all over his fur.
When he got into the garage the mechanic had just crawled out from under the car and announced "I'm sorry but it looks like you have blown a seal" too
which the penguin replied: "no, it's just ice cream"
Bob Durrell
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oxxo
Banned
Posts: 2347
Registered: 5-17-2006
Location: Wherever I am, I'm there
Member Is Offline
Mood: If I was feeling any better, I'd be twins!
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Time to revive this thread! 
A young girl had not been feeling well and went to her family
doctor. "Young lady," the doctor began, "you're pregnant."
"But that can't be. The only men I've been with are nudists and in our colony we practice sex only with our eyes."
"Well my dear," said the doctor, "someone in that colony is
c-ckeyed."
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DENNIS
Platinum Nomad
Posts: 29510
Registered: 9-2-2006
Location: Punta Banda
Member Is Offline
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ooooooooh....really bad.
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burnrope
Nomad
Posts: 214
Registered: 10-24-2006
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This is my fav thread. Here's a historical one.
One day Lady Astor encounters Winston Churchcill and says to him, "Sir, you are very drunk." He replies, "Madam you are very ugly, in the morning I
shall be sober."
She tells him, "If you were my husband I'd put poison in your tea."
His reply, "If you were my wife I'd drink it."
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sanquintinsince73
Super Nomad
Posts: 1494
Registered: 6-8-2010
Location: Los Angeles, CA
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Q: How do the Brits say "suck my d***" ?
A: Consume my richard.
Hey, its the only joke I know.
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stevelaubly
Junior Nomad
Posts: 82
Registered: 3-29-2010
Location: Fresno & Costa Rica
Member Is Offline
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MALE BLONDE JOKE ...
Three businessmen were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing
How stupid their wives were:
The first says, "I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she
went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on
sale, And we don't even have a fridge big enough to keep it in."
The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife
Is thicker. "Just last week, she went out and spent $17,000 on a new
car," he laments, "and she doesn't even know how to drive!"
The third, a blonde male, nods sagely and agrees that these two
women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by
Every branch. However, he still thinks his wife is dumber.
"Ah, it kills me…..every time I think of it," he chuckles.
"My wife left to go on a trip to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have put 3 or 4 packages of condoms in there.!!
“So?” said the others…
Blonde guy, laughing ”She doesn't even have a penis!"
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stevelaubly
Junior Nomad
Posts: 82
Registered: 3-29-2010
Location: Fresno & Costa Rica
Member Is Offline
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The Mechanic
A gynecologist was getting sick of his job and decided that he needed a career change. He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines so thought he would
become a marine diesel mechanic.
So he went along to marine mechanics school and the final test was to strip the diesel engine completely and reassemble it - obviously back into
perfect working order. So our gynecologist friend did the test and anxiously awaited the result.
The day he received the results he got quite a surprise, he got 150%! He quickly phoned the instructor and queried the mark.
The instructor said, "No no that's right. First I gave you 50% for stripping down the engine….a very thorough job. Next I gave you 50% for
reassembling it…….a fantastic job really.
Then I gave you a 50% bonus for doing it all through the exhaust port."
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BillP
Nomad
Posts: 420
Registered: 1-28-2010
Location: Lake Havasu City, AZ
Member Is Offline
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A man was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.
Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him. After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.
After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset. One particular
evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance.
As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.
But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them
continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.
A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Nancy Pelosi. That evening, the man brought Nancy to the
evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty
soon, the man started to get those “feelings” again. He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Nancy and told
her he hadn't had sex for months.
Nancy batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.
He said, “Take the dog for a walk.”
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