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GrOUper-GAr
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Posts: 107
Registered: 1-9-2010
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! PrEFeRiR!A eSTaR eN baJa !
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Marc
Ultra Nomad
Posts: 2802
Registered: 5-15-2010
Location: San Francisco & Palm Springs
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Mood: Waiting
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| Quote: | Originally posted by briantroy
Not sure if the original post is "PG", but both jokes were funny. Here is mine:
A cowboy is out riding the range with his trusty stead when he is captured by some local Natives. When the Indians tell him he will be burned alive
the cowboy doesn't flinch.
The chief, impressed by the cowboy's bravery, says "You are a worthy man; we will give you one last wish beore you are killed".
The cowboy replies "Well, can I ask my horse to do me a favor?". The chief grants his request, so the cowboy wispers into the horses ear and the
stead gallops away at full speed.
After a few hours the Native are growing restless and about to start the fire when dust is seen on the horizon. From over the hill comes the cowboy's
horse carrying a beautiful naked woman. The horse gallops up to the cowboy and places the nude woman at his feet.
The cowboy, obviously upset, reaches back and punches the horse square in the nose. "Posse, dumbass! I said Posse!".
[Edited on 8-29-2010 by briantroy] |
I've heard this one many times and I always laugh my a## off.
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vgabndo
Ultra Nomad
Posts: 3461
Registered: 12-8-2003
Location: Mt. Shasta, CA
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Mood: Checking-off my bucket list.
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Marc...you could have heard that joke before as the fourth joke in this thread.
Undoubtedly, there are people who cannot afford to give the anchor of sanity even the slightest tug. Sam Harris
"The situation is far too dire for pessimism."
Bill Kauth
Carl Sagan said, "We are a way for the cosmos to know itself."
PEACE, LOVE AND FISH TACOS
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vgabndo
Ultra Nomad
Posts: 3461
Registered: 12-8-2003
Location: Mt. Shasta, CA
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Mood: Checking-off my bucket list.
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Woody injected.... "ahh, i see!" said the blind man.
Which brought back I see said the blind carpenter as he picked up his hammer and saw.
Undoubtedly, there are people who cannot afford to give the anchor of sanity even the slightest tug. Sam Harris
"The situation is far too dire for pessimism."
Bill Kauth
Carl Sagan said, "We are a way for the cosmos to know itself."
PEACE, LOVE AND FISH TACOS
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sanquintinsince73
Super Nomad
Posts: 1494
Registered: 6-8-2010
Location: Los Angeles, CA
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I got this off of the internet
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5kg weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike
running shoes and a sign around her neck..
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me."
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later puffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four
days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 5kg as promised.
He calls the company and orders their 5-day/10kg program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy
woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, "If you catch me you can
have me".
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the
same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 10kg as promised. He decides to go for broke and
calls the company to order the 7-day/25kg program.
"Are you sure?" asks the representative on the phone. "This is our most rigorous program." "Absolutely," he replies, "I haven't felt this good in
years."
The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and
a sign around his neck that reads, "If I catch you, you are mine."
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DanO
Super Nomad
Posts: 1923
Registered: 8-26-2003
Location: Not far from the Pacific
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According to a new study, one in three men between the ages of 75 and 95 remain sexually active by having sex once a year.
Now who wants to sit in Santa’s lap?
\"Without deviation from the norm, progress is not possible.\" -- Frank Zappa
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bajamedic
Nomad
Posts: 392
Registered: 12-5-2008
Location: Northern California
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Mood: Just waitin for baja
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Since more and more Seniors are texting and tweeting, there appears to be a need for a STC (Senior Texting Code).
ATD: At The Doctor's
BFF: Best Friend Farted
BTW: Bring The Wheelchair
BYOT: Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM: Covered By Medicare
CUATSC: See You At The Senior Center
DWI: Driving While Incontinent
FWB: Friend With Beta Blockers
FWIW: Forgot Where I Was
FYI: Found Your Insulin
GGPBL: Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low!
GHA: Got Heartburn Again
HGBM: Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO: Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO: Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL: Living On Lipitor
LWO: Lawrence Welk's On
OMMR: On My Massage Recliner
OMSG: Oh My! Sorry, Gas.
ROFL... CGU: Rolling On The Floor Laughing... And Can't Get Up
SGGP: Sorry, Gotta Go Poop
TTYL: Talk To You Louder
WAITT: Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA: Wet The Furniture Again
WTP: Where's The Prunes?
WWNO: Walker Wheels Need Oil
 JH
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Marc
Ultra Nomad
Posts: 2802
Registered: 5-15-2010
Location: San Francisco & Palm Springs
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Mood: Waiting
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A bum comes up to the front door of a very expensive house and raps gently on the door. When the rich owner answers, the bum asks him, "Please, sir,
could you give me something to eat? I haven't had a good meal in several days."
The owner says, "I have made a fortune in my lifetime by supplying goods for people. I've never given anything away for nothing. However, if you go
around the back, you will see a gallon of paint and a clean paint brush. If you will paint my porch, I will give you a good meal."
So the bum goes around back and a while later he again knocks on the door. The owner says, "Finished already? Good. Come on in. Sit down. The cook
will bring your meal right in."
The bum says, "Thank you very much. But there's something that I think you should know. It's not a porch you got there. It's a BMW."
[Edited on 12-30-2010 by Marc]
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Howard
Super Nomad
Posts: 2353
Registered: 11-13-2007
Location: Loreto/Manhattan Beach/Kona
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Mood: I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done.
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This is really, really bad!
I dare anyone on this thread to top this for the dumbest joke!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Your Duck is Dead-
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the
bird's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."
The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..
"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked
on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked
up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also
delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."
The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"
The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now
$150."
We don't stop playing because we grow old;
we grow old because we stop playing
George Bernard Shaw
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Howard
Super Nomad
Posts: 2353
Registered: 11-13-2007
Location: Loreto/Manhattan Beach/Kona
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Mood: I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done.
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I have more, but I promise, I am done with this one
Golfing Hit Man
Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you
mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools."
"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here."
So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window."
"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her..... He's naked, too!!!"
He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?"
"Sure, what do you want?"
"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."
"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.
"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here..."
We don't stop playing because we grow old;
we grow old because we stop playing
George Bernard Shaw
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burnrope
Nomad
Posts: 214
Registered: 10-24-2006
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The mailman's last day
After 20 years delivering mail on the same route it was Mike's last day. At the first house he was greeted by the whole family and given a large gift
envelope. At the second house he was given a box of fine cigars. At the third house he was greeted by a beautiful woman who led him upstairs and
blew his mind with the best sex he ever had. Afterwards she cooked him an incredible breakfast. He noticed a dollar bill under his coffee cup. He
asks her, "This was too incredible for words, but what's the dollar bill for?"
She tells him, "I told my husband that you were retiring and he said F'him, give him a buck. The breakfast was my idea."
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bajamedic
Nomad
Posts: 392
Registered: 12-5-2008
Location: Northern California
Member Is Offline
Mood: Just waitin for baja
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The local news station was interviewing an
80-year-old lady because she had just married for the fourth time. The
interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to
be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.
"He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought. He then
asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three
husbands and what they did for a living.
She paused for a few moments, needing time to
reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face
and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker
when she was in her early 20s, then a circus ringmaster when in her 40s,
then a preacher when in her 60s, and now in her 80s, the funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had
married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and patiently explained,
"I married one for the money, two for the
show, three to get ready, and four to go."
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DavidE
Ultra Nomad
Posts: 3814
Registered: 12-1-2003
Location: Baja California México
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Mood: 'At home we demand facts and get them. In Mexico one subsists on rumor and never demands anything.' Charles Flandrau,
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Here is a true story from World War II
The incident took place during the lend-lease war material agreement between the Allies (in this case the Americans), and the Soviets.
The soviets ordered up dozens of cases of condoms with the specification that they be nine inches in length.
Two months later a ship unloaded the condoms onto the dock in Murmansk. Imprinted on the sides of the boxes was the label "Medium".
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Howard
Super Nomad
Posts: 2353
Registered: 11-13-2007
Location: Loreto/Manhattan Beach/Kona
Member Is Offline
Mood: I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done.
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You just had to start this thread again!
Two Beggars in Rome are sitting side by side on a street in Rome . One has a cross in front of him the other one the Star of David.
Many people go by and look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving money to the beggar behind the cross, but none give to the beggar behind the Star of
David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of David and says, 'My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country; this
city is the seat of Catholicism... People aren't going to give money if you sit there with a Star of David in front of you, especially when you're
sitting beside a beggar who has a cross. In fact, they would probably give to him just out of spite.'
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest, turned to the other beggar with the cross and said: 'Moishe, look who's trying to teach
the Goldstein brothers about marketing?
We don't stop playing because we grow old;
we grow old because we stop playing
George Bernard Shaw
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bajamedic
Nomad
Posts: 392
Registered: 12-5-2008
Location: Northern California
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Mood: Just waitin for baja
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Sorry, I just could not resist. JH
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DENNIS
Platinum Nomad
Posts: 29510
Registered: 9-2-2006
Location: Punta Banda
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That's awful. 
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backninedan
Senior Nomad
Posts: 865
Registered: 3-8-2003
Location: Loreto
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Thats funny
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Iflyfish
Ultra Nomad
Posts: 3747
Registered: 10-17-2006
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Mexico has cowboys too!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1vm2jPM4ee8
Iflyfishonbrokebackmountainalone
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burnrope
Nomad
Posts: 214
Registered: 10-24-2006
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How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen do?
Enough to kill two and a half men.
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bent-rim
Nomad
Posts: 294
Registered: 7-31-2007
Location: Marin County
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Mood: Living la vida mota
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Two sailors are in Tijuana sampling different brews from many bars. They find this place that has the best beer they've ever had. The bartender
tells them that it's a special secret brew that only they serve and that the recipe is a secret. They put some of the beer in a ziplock bag to have
analyzed at a lab. Several weeks later they receive a letter informing them that their horse has diabetes.
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