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DENNIS
Platinum Nomad
Posts: 29510
Registered: 9-2-2006
Location: Punta Banda
Member Is Offline
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 Velly velly funny, Ed.
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marv sherrill
Nomad
Posts: 460
Registered: 11-18-2003
Member Is Offline
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OK another bar/blond joke
Guy goes into a bar sees the latest CNN news where this guy is going to jump off a buiding - he tells his buddy - watch this!
He goes up to a cute blond at the bar and says - hey lady - betcha $20 he jumps! She says "you're on"
The guy jumps and the lady says "chit" and hands over a twenty. The guy feels a little remorse and says "Lady I can't take your money I saw this
earlier on CNN.
She says - Yeah, so did I, but i never thought he'd do it again!
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DENNIS
Platinum Nomad
Posts: 29510
Registered: 9-2-2006
Location: Punta Banda
Member Is Offline
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Velly velly funny, Marv.
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durrelllrobert
Elite Nomad
Posts: 7393
Registered: 11-22-2007
Location: Punta Banda BC
Member Is Offline
Mood: thriving in Baja
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The Afghan Quarterback
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the
colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier
with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game
of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my
adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!!
Bob Durrell
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captkw
Ultra Nomad
Posts: 3850
Registered: 10-19-2010
Location: el charro b.c.s.
Member Is Offline
Mood: new dog/missing the old 1
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aint that the truth !!!
2nd up Detroit !!!
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Howard
Super Nomad
Posts: 2353
Registered: 11-13-2007
Location: Loreto/Manhattan Beach/Kona
Member Is Offline
Mood: I'd rather regret the things I've done than regret the things I haven't done.
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A Jewish congregation in Loreto honours its Rabbi for 25 years of service by sending him to Hawaii for a week, all expenses paid. When he walks into
his hotel room, he finds a beautiful nude woman lying on the bed.
She greets the Rabbi with, “Hi, Rabbi, I’m a little something extra that the President of the shul arranged for you.”
The Rabbi is incensed. He picks up the phone, calls the President of theshul and shouts, “Greenblatt, what were you thinking? Where is your respect?
I am the moral leader of our religious community! I am very angry with youand you have not heard the end of this.”;
Hearing this, the naked woman gets up and starts to get dressed.
The Rabbi turns to her and asks, “Where are you going? I’m not angry at you.
[Edited on 12-16-2012 by Howard]
We don't stop playing because we grow old;
we grow old because we stop playing
George Bernard Shaw
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boe4fun
Super Nomad
Posts: 1040
Registered: 1-22-2006
Location: Margaritaville
Member Is Offline
Mood: Circling the drain........
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I wondered why the baseball was getting ever bigger, then it hit me.
Two dirt roads diverged in Baja and I, I took the one less graveled by......
Soy ignorante, apático y ambivalente. No lo sé y no me importa, ni modo.
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woody with a view
PITA Nomad
Posts: 15939
Registered: 11-8-2004
Location: Looking at the Coronado Islands
Member Is Offline
Mood: Everchangin'
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an 80 year old man and his 83 year old wife went into the doctors office. The husband was going in for his routine checkup. the doctor told him, " i
need a stool sample, a urine sample and a sperm sample." the wife leaned over to her husband and asked, "what did he say?"
"he said he needs your underwear!!!!!"
[Edited on 12-16-2012 by woody with a view]
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boe4fun
Super Nomad
Posts: 1040
Registered: 1-22-2006
Location: Margaritaville
Member Is Offline
Mood: Circling the drain........
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Did you hear about the sexually frustrated plastic surgeon? He HUNG himself.
Two dirt roads diverged in Baja and I, I took the one less graveled by......
Soy ignorante, apático y ambivalente. No lo sé y no me importa, ni modo.
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vandenberg
Elite Nomad
Posts: 5118
Registered: 6-21-2005
Location: Nopolo
Member Is Offline
Mood: mellow
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Here a piece of prose someone spend a lot of time on.
Entertaining none the less. 
Subject: Who Is Jack Schitt??
For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.
Awe Schitt was married to O. Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, and owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt,
and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.
After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she
wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a
son with a rather nervous disposition who was nick-named Chicken Schitt.
Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in
a dual ceremony.
The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the
Schitt-Happens nuptials.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.
He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride,
Pisa Schitt.
Now when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you
can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
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Pompano
Elite Nomad
Posts: 8194
Registered: 11-14-2004
Location: Bay of Conception and Up North
Member Is Offline
Mood: Optimistic
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Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping.
They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.
Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: "Watson, look up at the sky, and tell me what you see."
Watson replied: "I see millions and millions of stars."
Holmes said: "And what do you deduce from that?"
Watson replied: "Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like Earth
out there. And if there are a few planets like Earth out there, there might also be life."
And Holmes said: "Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent."
hmmm....did I post this joke once before? Or am I losing it. If so, here's another:
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."
[Edited on 1-4-2013 by Pompano]
I do what the voices in my tackle box tell me.
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toneart
Ultra Nomad
Posts: 4901
Registered: 7-23-2006
Member Is Offline
Mood: Skeptical
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An old guy goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution.
When he gets there, he discovers the Urologist is a very pretty female doctor.
The female doctor says, "I'm going to check your prostate today, but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.
I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate, take a deep breath and say,
'99'."
The old guy obeys and says,
"99".
The doctor says, "Great", now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say,
'99".
Again, the old guy says,
'99'."
The doctor said, "Very good.
Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly.
I'm going to check your prostate with this hand, and with the other I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way."
The old guy begins,
"One...
Two…
Three…"
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vgabndo
Ultra Nomad
Posts: 3461
Registered: 12-8-2003
Location: Mt. Shasta, CA
Member Is Offline
Mood: Checking-off my bucket list.
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I'm still beset by a giggling smirk Tony. Thanks
Undoubtedly, there are people who cannot afford to give the anchor of sanity even the slightest tug. Sam Harris
"The situation is far too dire for pessimism."
Bill Kauth
Carl Sagan said, "We are a way for the cosmos to know itself."
PEACE, LOVE AND FISH TACOS
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Bugman
Nomad
Posts: 143
Registered: 9-20-2006
Location: Escondido
Member Is Offline
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The aliens and the gas station:
In the wee hours of the morning and alien spacecraft lands on the outskirts of a small town at the local gas station. With the gas station closed and
nobody around the two aliens hop out of their ship and assume the gas pump is a planetary representative. They walk up to the pump and declare
"Earthling, please take us to your leader". Of course there is no reply so they make the request again "Earthling, please take us to your leader!"
At this point the one alien becomes very agitated and turns to his partner and declares that if the earthling does not show them some respect and
comply with his request he is going to shoot him with his laser beam. The other alien suggests that this may not be the best thing to do and starts
to walk away. His partner is still upset and walks up to the gas pump one more time and says "Earthling, this is your last chance. Take me to your
leader or I shall shoot you with my laser beam!" When there is no response the alien pulls out his laser beam and blasts the gas pump. A huge
explosion results and blows the alien nearly a block away where his partner is standing. He manages to get up and staggar over to his partner where
he angrily says "Why the heck didn't you warn me if you knew that was going to happen!!!" His partner then explains that he did not know what was
going to happen but that in his experience any being that has a dick long enough to hang down to the ground, wrap around his body twice and still have
room to stick in his left ear deserves the utmost respect! 
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Marc
Ultra Nomad
Posts: 2802
Registered: 5-15-2010
Location: San Francisco & Palm Springs
Member Is Offline
Mood: Waiting
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| Quote: | Originally posted by durrelllrobert
The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the
colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.
Then one night while watching CNN he saw a war-zone scene in Afghanistan . In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Afghan Muslim soldier
with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away. KABOOM!
He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney. KA-BLOOEY!
Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph. BULLS-EYE!
"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!" So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game
of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.
The young Afghan is hailed as the great hero of football, and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.
"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"
"I don't want to talk to you, the old Muslim woman says."You are not my son!"
"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my
adoring fans."
"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment, there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two
brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!"
The old lady pauses, and then tearfully says, "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago !!!! |
Funny...but it was Oakland, not Chicago
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Pompano
Elite Nomad
Posts: 8194
Registered: 11-14-2004
Location: Bay of Conception and Up North
Member Is Offline
Mood: Optimistic
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THE CREATION DUEL
In the beginning God created the heaven and the Earth. And the Earth was without form, and void, and darkness was upon the face of the deep. And the
Devil said, "It doesn't get any better than this."
And God said, "Let there be light" and there was light. And God said, "Let the earth bring forth grass, the herb yielding
seed, and the fruit tree yielding fruit," and God saw that it was good.
And the Devil said, "There goes the neighborhood."
And God said, "Let us make Man in our image, after our likeness, and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the fowl of
the air and over the cattle, and over all the Earth, and over every creeping thing that creepeth upon the Earth." And so God created Man in
his own image; male and female did He create.
And God looked upon Man and Woman and saw that they were lean and fit. "Muy bien."
And the Devil said, "I know how I can get back in this game."
And God populated the earth with rice and beans, broccoli and cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman
would live long and healthy lives.
And the Devil created tacos, carnitas, churros, & hot dog stands. And Antonio of Mulege brought forth the Saturday pigout. And the Devil
said to Man: "You want fries with that?" And Man said: "Supersize them." And Man gained 5 pounds.
And God created the healthful yogurt, that woman might keep her figure that man found so fair.
And the Devil brought forth chocolate dulce. And Woman gained 5 pounds.
And God said, "Try my crispy fresh salad."
And the Devil brought forth Ben and Jerry's. And Woman gained 10 pounds.
And God said, "I have sent thee heart-healthy vegetables and olive oil with which to cook them."
And the Devil brought forth the chicken-fried burrito so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained 10 pounds and his bad cholesterol went
through the roof.
And God brought forth running shoes and Man resolved to lose those extra pounds on the beach.
And the Devil brought forth cable TV with remote control so Man would not have to toil to change channels between ESPN and ESPN2. And Man gained
another 20 pounds.
And God said, "You're running up the score, Devil."
And God brought forth the potato, a vegetable naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.
And the Devil peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into papa fritas and deep-fat fried them. And the Devil created sour
cream dip.
And Man clutched his remote control and ate the papa fritas swaddled in cholesterol. And the Devil saw and said, "It is
good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.
And God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.
And the Devil canceled Man's health insurance.
Then God showed Woman how to peel the skin off chicken and cook the nourishing whole grain brown rice.
And the Devil created light cerveza so Man could poison his body with alcohol while feeling righteous because he had to drink twice as much of the
now-insipid brew to get the same buzz. And Man gained another ten pounds.
And God created the life-giving tofu.
And Woman ventured forth into the land of Godiva Chocolate and upon returning asked Man: "Do I look fat?"
And the Devil said, "Always tell the truth." And Man did.
And Woman went out from the presence of man and dwelt in the land of the divorce lawyer, east of the marriage counselor.
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.
..And so it goes...
I do what the voices in my tackle box tell me.
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Skipjack Joe
Elite Nomad
Posts: 8084
Registered: 7-12-2004
Location: Bahia Asuncion
Member Is Offline
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Tony's joke about prostates reminded me of this -
Question: How do you get a second opinion on the prostate test?
Answer: The doc uses 2 fingers.
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BajaSerg
Nomad
Posts: 182
Registered: 3-31-2008
Location: Los Angels/Rosarito
Member Is Offline
Mood: Happy
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what does the jolly green giant fear the most?
scroll down
scroll down
Avocado pickers!
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dougf69
Junior Nomad
Posts: 38
Registered: 5-28-2008
Location: mulege & Okanagan Valley, B.C.
Member Is Offline
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I don't get it.
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desertcpl
Super Nomad
Posts: 2396
Registered: 10-26-2008
Location: yuma,az
Member Is Offline
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must be an inside joke
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